Choose this path

The things I have learned about myself through the last couple of months has amazed me. You think who can know you better than yourself, but I am learning new things almost daily about myself. I've gained strength in knowing that I can make it through hard times, and humility in knowing that bad things can happen to me and I'm not exempt from these things.

I am reading a book called I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. I have only gotten through the first couple chapters and already I am learning. The thing that made me take a step back was reading how we think we know how God should fix things. In her words:
"I am pretty comfortable saying He is in complete control until the ground grows weak beneath me. At that point I tell Him what he should do to fix it."
I felt that God should and would intervene and heal my child, because that was what I thought he should do. God had a different plan, He knows more than I know. My cries were not for Him to decide what should become of my child, but I wanted him to heal him so that's what I cried out for. Its not wrong to ask God to intervene but I wasn't asking for His will to be done. I was asking Him to do what I thought He should do.

My child will not get his time on Earth because God chose that path for my life and my child's life.

'He answered, While the child was still alive I fasted and wept. I thought "Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live." But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.'  -2 Samuel 12:19-23

Lawson will not return to me and those are words that will tug at my heart for my remaining days until I get to see him again. But the hope that I hold to in that is that I will see him again, just not here.

I have had a very hard week this week and I know that these times will continue. I will have ups and downs. I will hopefully grow stronger but I am only human and will break down. I have had such a hard time and yesterday I just knew I had to go see his grave. I needed to go up there and talk to him. I know he isn't there but it feels better to have a place that you feel his presence and know that it's quiet. I have not been there many times, I will confess. It is hard for me because I just want to hold him again and the pain gets worse when I go to the last place I saw him. But I sat and cried for a while and talked to him and it made me feel a little better.
I know that Jesus weeps with me and stands beside me even at my weakest points because He doesn't like for us to be in pain. I think He weeps because we can't see what He can. We can't see the bigger plan. We can't understand why our son was taken.
This passage in the book gets to me also:
"He understands the ranting and the door slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my baby.
He knows.
And he has only one request.
Bring it right to Me.
Everytime the anger roars in your heart.
Bring it to Me.
Every time you feel like nobody hears you.
Bring it to Me.
When you think it isn't fair.When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.
Bring it to My feet and I will make an altar for your suffering."

It will 6 months on Sunday the 7th since we lost him. Just please pray for me and my family as we pass this milestone.


"When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not here to see,
If the sun should rise and find your
eyes, filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you.
And each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
When tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for everytime you think of me,
I'm right there in your heart."

Not the first to ask

My days come and go. I feel like some days I'm floating through life and don't have a purpose and then other days I am confident that I am living every moment to its fullest. It's been a roller coaster of emotions for me this year. I have hit the lowest lows ever and this past week has been extremely hard for me as I have encountered things that remind me that I will never get to see Lawson grow and learn and watch him progress through life. I don't want pity from anyone, just sharing my thoughts helps. I want people to know my story. If it helps you then great, if it doesn't thats ok too. I write these things for me and my sanity. Again I just want my story to be known because my baby was a human being and had a soul just like every other person and I want his memory and my feelings to be shared. I want people to know and learn about him because he is and will always be a part of me and my husband.