The day I've been worrying about came and went. The day my oldest baby started kindergarten. It makes me sad that he doesn't seem so little anymore, but I was and am so proud of the way he seems to be embracing school. He's pretty much a quiet kid and I was a little worried with him not knowing anyone and being scared, but he seems to be adapting without a problem. Children seem to have a knack for fitting in and going with the change better than adults.
I did good and didn't cry until I got about halfway to work. Then I broke down and had a good cry thinking of all that Landon will be learning and seeing and that I will never get that "first day" with Lawson. No first giggle, no first steps, no first words, no first day of school and that breaks my heart. Billy made the point that Lawson had his first day in Heaven and that it had been so much better. Which is so true, but as a mother I wanted those pictures of him and those sweet hugs as we left him to start his first big adventures. I will miss out on all those firsts that he would have had if he was here with us. I miss him terribly and will always wonder what he would have been.
Lots of things about him and our situation have been constantly on my mind lately and I'm not sure why. I'm sure its the stress of all these changes and fertility treatments, and Billy being back on the road traveling. It doesn't make it easier, that's for sure. Its been a constant battle lately of trusting God and wanting to give up. Have to keep in mind that I may not understand His will but I need to accept it because He knows more than I do.
