Feelings at Christmas

Let me just begin to share my feelings since I haven’t in a while. This might be a long one!

I am not crying daily like I used to, but I still miss him EVERY SINGLE moment.

I still wish things had been different, that he was here with his older brother and cousins running around and just being a child.

Here smiling and laughing, even crying and getting upset. Because that would mean he was HERE.

But he’s not and that’s something I still have trouble with on a daily basis. I still, and always will, have that gut wrenching heartbreaking moment when I see or do something that would have been better if he was here.

It’s Christmas time as everyone knows, and I’ve always loved Christmas and everything about it: Jesus, decorating, presents, lights, and family. I even don’t mid the cold because I get to snuggle up with family and be warm. But this year I don’t look at any of these moments the same. Decorating the outside of my house was extra special this year because my husband and I wanted it to look extra special for Lawson looking down. Silly as it may seem, Billy and I discussed how he would probably think just like Landon and I and love love love lights and decorations. So for the first Christmas since Billy and I have been together, he actually said he wanted to do lights on the house because that was his way of doing something for Lawson this year! He wanted him to see it from Heaven. I was so excited! He still is a great dad even to the one who doesn’t get to spend Christmas with us physically!

Christmas is also different because all of our family moments will be minus one instead of plus one. His presence is felt but not seen, but oh how I wish he were there physically. I want to see his face light up with excitement for the moments of surprise with gifts and for the moments he gets to see family. I have to miss all that and I hate it!

Landon still seems confused that baby brother didn’t come home with us. He does like to visit brother’s grave. One day I think he understands as much as a four year old can, but the next day he may be asking questions again. I know in a child’s mind it is hard to understand why your cousins “baby brothers” came home and your baby brother is not home with you. I know time will help his understanding. I will still share Lawson with him in any way I can. He just has a tender heart and loves to be around younger children, so I have no doubt that he will be a GREAT big brother when he finally gets to bring a baby brother/sister home (if God has that plan for us).

I get sad thinking of what all I envisioned this Christmas to be like last year. I thought we would have a nine-month-old baby and a four year old and be a family of four. I looked forward to that change in our little family. I was very pregnant this time last year and it was close to when all the problems started. I get scared thinking of what took place this time last year and wish that I could have changed it somehow, but that’s not reality. I’m human and I’m not meant to be able to prevent things that are God’s will. That doesn’t change the uncertainty of life and each moment. I think about life in a much more fragile way now.

I have tended to make myself busy lately so that I don’t feel alone, and it has been harder with Billy back on the road traveling with work. It makes the house quieter, and its like a void is constantly there. We are minus two in our small household. Landon and I hold the fort down, believe me, but its just so lonely at times to come home and Landon has no brother to play with and my husband/his daddy is gone. Billy wants to be home with us as much as we want him to be. But things are just unpredictable right now.

Honestly, I will tell you that ever since this time last year I have felt uncertainty almost everyday of my life because I feel like this year has thrown so many things at our family that I did not expect. I didn’t think we would lose our child, or that Billy would have to go work outside our town again. There have been many moments I’ve gotten down and just cried out that I need a break, I need some peace that only He can provide, something to reassure me that above all else, He will pull through for me and for my family. That one day he will perform a miracle and I will have peace here.

I also have gotten really nervous about this time coming up again too, because Billy and I can try for another child now with my OBGYN’s permission. It is now considered safe for my body to be able to carry a child again. Why do you think I’m nervous? Sure there are many reasons. One I’m sure you know, is that its going to be hard going through a pregnancy and not being terrified of each thing that happens that something is wrong. I’ve pretty much accepted I will not be “okay” until my baby is born and is safely in my arms (and even then I will probably be a tad worried). But any parent that has lost a child has those feelings. No, my main concern that I pray to God about often is being able to conceive. Billy and I tried for a year and a half before Lawson was conceived, and he was only conceived because I went on a medication to help. I know that since Lawson isn’t here I feel even more antsy to be able to have another child because we have wanted another one for so long. I know that I am blessed to have been able to carry Landon and Lawson and I will not under appreciate those moments for anything. I loved carrying my boys. I would be pregnant all the time if my body were healthy. I pray to God more and more about it as the time has drawn here that He will choose to show out and provide my boy with the things it needs to be able to conceive.

So if you are reading this and think I’m just rambling right now, maybe I am, I just wanted to share my feelings and I got stuff off my chest.

Just please cherish every moment with your children while they are little and the fact that they were born and are here to be a part of your life. That you get to see their happy excited faces on Christmas because some of us don’t get that opportunity. And while you are at it, pray for me and my family, that we will have peace with the days of Christmas approaching and the emotions it brings. And that if it is God’s will that we will have the opportunity to bring home another child one day soon.  

Bad Day?

I have these kind of days SO OFTEN!!!
Facets of Life...: Bad day?: Follow me on this one...  and please take no offense, this is just a reflective expression of my words ... just food for thought. There ar...

Project Heal: October: Capture Your Grief: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Project Heal

Ocotber 1: Sunrise

Captured the sunrise near where I saw and held my son for the first time. The only healing I get from that is that he may enjoy that sunrise as much as me. I believe he was smiling at me as I tried to get the sun streaming through the clouds. I will hold and see him again in Heaven and we will get to be with the Son! Thank God for the "sunrise" and the "Son rising". Each sun rise is appreciated while I remain here and because the Son rose I will get to see my baby again soon.

October 2: Identity

 Lawson Drake Prince

We chose Lawson because that is my maiden name and a good way to honor my family name. Drake was chosen because we wanted the same initials as his older brother. 

Lawson weighed 5lbs 7 oz and already had more hair than his older sibling did at birth. It was dark like his daddy's. His fingers and toes looked like his older brother's. He was perfect in every way. 

He is our son! He is a grandson, nephew, cousin, and loved beyond all measures. The one that mommy will never forget and is holding in my heart. He is part of my testimony and though I may not know why, he is in Heaven and he is part of the reason I look forward to Heaven one day so that I can see him again. 

October 3: Myths About Grief 

Myth 1: "Don't bring up the baby in front of them, it may hurt their feelings or make them cry." 

No, no, no! It might make me cry but in a good way! I love to talk about my son. You aren't reminding me that he died by bringing him up, believe me I feel that EVERY MOMENT! You are making me feel great because you are acknowledging he LIVED! 

Myth 2: "Time heals." 

Nope, not when you have lost a child. Sure you get better at controlling your emotions, but that's the extent. You know everyday that the hurt is there and some days, even if it's been ten years, your heart can break all over again for that loss. 

Myth 3: "Daddies have to be strong and don't need to cry." 

Again, NOPE! Many people told him that he didn't need to cry or be upset in front of me. I was relieved when I saw that my husband let his emotions show. It made me more connected to him. He was strong for me at times but you can only withstand so much! He had a son too and loved him as much as I did. 

Myth 4: "Everyone loses someone in life, so you should get over it."

No one has ever said this to me, but I have heard people say it about someone that has lost a father, mother, etc. Fact is everyone's loss is different and you shouldn't judge their grieving process. It's exactly that...THEIR way of grieving! 

October 4: Legacy 

Lawson's legacy would be that he showed me and my husband how deep love of your children can go. I knew we both loved our first son and him, but when we lost him we saw how deep that love ran. It affects very part of your being and every aspect of your life. Your heart walks around outside your body when you have children. I appreciate and love better because of him. 

October 5: Memory 

The most thought about memory I have of my son was the moment they placed him in my arms after his death. He was my baby still an go kept admiring him. I kept thinking please wake up. 

I think about that moment daily and miss his fingers, toes, little lips and every detail of him. I just wanna hold him again. I wish I had held him longer but I know that wouldn't have changed the fact that I left that hospital without him. 

October 6: Ritual 

I don't really have a ritual that I do, but one thing that I love and will always remind me of Lawson are owls. I can't tell you how many I have in my house now. I was decorating his room in owls and birds and bright colors. So now I think of him every time I see an owl. 

October 7: You Now 

My grief stage right now is uncertainty. I have whys and doubts almost every day, but the next day I will have more of a peace that God knows what He's doing and I don't. It's an everyday ups and downs struggle. 

I feel sadness everyday because he's not here. I feel overwhelmed that this is how my son was taken and that I don't get to see him grow. I feel an aching in those moments that I remember all the details of the last couple months of my pregnancy and how quickly they faded into tragedy. I feel like my heart literally breaks when I wake up and have dreamed of him and he's not here for me to hold. 

I would have to say I go through life paying attention to details I never took the time to notice before, learning more about me and the things I treasure. My heart is heavier because I will always be missing him, but it might be lighter in areas because he taught me to love better. 

October 9: Music 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WAo2zdRbXic

This is one of the first songs I listened to after Lawson died. Just the sound of it brings me back to those moments. I had to be held by His hand then and still do. 

October 10: Belief 

I believe that my son was welcomed into the arms of Jesus when he died. God knew Lawson's plan way before I did and I still don't know the purpose, but I am going to see my son again one day. That's the only thing that gets me past the heartbreak of missing him. 

October 11:Emotional Triggers

  

The hardest is when I'm around children that are about his age or pregnant women. I want to be in their position again when things were fine and I wasn't the grieving mom. I want my son to be alive and be growing like he's supposed to. 

The cold weather is extra dreadful this year because it reminds me of the winter, which is when he died. It rained for weeks and weeks after we buried him and I feel like it may be a long first winter without him. 

October 12: Article 

This article is one I read recently and it was exactly how I feel! It explains exactly how I feel towards other mothers. I also enjoy her other posts.  It is about how grieving mothers feel about mothers who have never lost a child. http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html?m=1

October 13: Book 

The book that I have read that helped me the most was "I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy"  by Angie Smith. Angie also lost a child and this is her story of the experience. She tells the raw truth of the moments of unexplainable anger and the moments you just have to drop to you knees and cry out to God. It was so real to read because I had felt those intricate moments as well. 

Here is the link to purchase it on amazon. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/080546428X

October 14: Family 

My family today, that's a hard one. We still look the same to people that don't really know us. It's still me, my husband and our 4 year old son. I am so thankful for them. They help me through the moments when I just want to go to heaven to see Lawson, but then I think of them and know that I wanna be there for them and experience more of life with them by my side. However, in my heart and mind, our family will always be missing one. One boy who is loved more than I can say. One boy who I will embrace again one day, but until then I will miss him every second of every day I'm alive. 

October 15: Wave of Light 

Lighting a candle from mommy, daddy, and your big brother. We miss you, Lawson Drake! 

October 16: Seasons

 I think it will be a hard first Christmas since he died. Last Christmas I was still pregnant with him, but I was feeling very sick. That was the time that I started telling my family that I just felt something wasn't right. I had started feeling really bad and nothing helped. I still remember the feelings and I keep thinking about sitting at my mom and dad's house opening gifts and be swollen all over. I remember celebrating my birthday since its on December 23 at a restaurant and thinking I couldn't wait for him to be with us and celebrate my birthday and Christmas the next year. Little did I know that he would die several days later and I will spend this Christmas being so different, but not the different I wanted. 

October 17: Time

Time, precious time. Or should I say awful bittersweet time. It hasn't yet been a year since he was nestled in my womb where I thought he was safe. It hasn't been a year since I saw him for the first time. It hasn't been a year since I held his tiny hand  as he fought for his life. It hasn't been a year since I got to hold him in my arms as he gave his last breaths. It hasn't been a year since his funeral and the most horrifying feeling of burying our child and having to leave his tiny body in the ground there. And yet It has been an eternity it seems since I was able to hold him. It will seem an eternity forever, I think. 

October 18: Release

I want to release the fear. The fear of the unknown, of going through another pregnancy. The fear of all the things associated with having a baby again. I want to release the regrets, the what ifs, the whys, all the questions. I just want to accept things as they are because I really can't turn back time and I can't make things "normal" again. I want to release all these things because I was chosen for this path one way or another and the fear doesn't change anything. 

October 19: Support 

My greatest support has been my husband. I did talk to him and still do to this day especially when the emotions hit me really hard! He is always there if he can do nothing but listen. 

October 20: Hope

I do have hope for the future. I have a hope that I can make Lawson proud to call me his mommy. I have hope that he will have more brothers/sisters. I have hope that he has helped people in just the short time he was here even I may never know it. I have hope that our family will always remember him and will be better at loving because of him. 

October 21: Honor

There are many ways that I have chosen to honor and keep him close in everyone's memory. The first thing that I really felt led to do was walk and raise donations for March for Babies. It was a great experience to share him with others involved. An overall way I vowed to honor him was to appreciate the little moments of his brother growing and to tell him he's loved more often. I want to take each moment with my children for all its worth! 

October 22: Words 

My favorite quote is one that we put on his headstone. It was one of the first quotes I read and it just fit. 

"The world may never notice

If a rosebud doesn't bloom

Or even pause to wonder

if the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be

Touches the World in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we longed for

Were swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do

Every beating of my heart says

"I Remember You"" 

October 23: Tattoos/Jewelry

 

I had a piece of jewelry given to me by my best friends. It is a beautiful bracelet with my children's names on it. My husband and I both have tattoos that represent our children. My husband's tattoo is a copy of Lawson's hands and feet with his name above it. Mine is on my left back/shoulder and is a scripture that I found fitting with my living child and our angel baby birth dates on it.

October 25: #SayItOutLoud

 

I want people to know that I will talk about my baby, I want to hear his name. Yes it makes me sad but also makes me feel joy. He was alive and by you not acknowledging that he lived is like a slap in my face. When people ignore the event of his birth and death, who do you think that's better for me or you? I'm gonna say you. It will save you from having to acknowledge the loss. I know, I've been you. I've been the one on the other side and now I've been on this side also. So say it, say his name and acknowledge him in any way. It might make me cry but it will also make me so proud! 

October 27: Signs 

I believe that I have moments that I believe God is reminding us that Lawson is wonderful and happy with Him. I have felt most days that the sun starts shining right on me when I get overwhelmed with missing him. I have sat on my back porch many times and its as if the moment that I'm feeling the lowest the sun comes streaming through the trees to shine on the porch where I'm sitting. I'm not the only one who feels that way because my husband was visiting Lawson's grave the other day and was upset and the sun all of a sudden came out and shined straight on him. He said he felt as if it was Lawson telling him that he was fine and to not be upset. I know that in those moments there is a reason that I felt the warmth of that sun, as if it was meant to help warm my soul also. 

October 28: Special Place

 

I can't think of a special place that I go to to think of him. I think there is no place that I don't take him with me. Going to his grave sometimes helps me, but I don't go up there much. I just have this awful feeling that I left his little body there and sometimes it overwhelms me. I know that he isn't there, because I believe he's in Heaven. My motherly instinct goes into overdrive though, it seems. When he first passed away, after we got home I would go to his room and cry and cry and look at his pictures and hold his blanket and clothes that he was last in. That room broke my heart, staring at the walls where I hadn't yet finished his room and thinking of what he would have looked like playing in his room. All in all, my special place is my heart where he will always be. 

October 29: Healing

This one is hard for me because I am still healing and feel like I will always be healing and healing again from the events of his death. If course I've cried out to God many times, but especially in my times when I didn't feel like I could let all my anguish out on others. Of course there is my husband who I have also let my true and raw emotions and because he can also share the hurt, he has helped me heal because we are healing together. 

I believe though the best therapy or help in healing has been to share Lawson with others. Saying his name and not being ashamed. Letting people know that I lost a son and that it happens to many people and if I can help one person through sharing our journey then that helps me heal a little at a time. 

October 30: Growth 

I know I've grown as a person. Maybe not on the exterior as much but my feelings and the ways I think of everyday situations have definitely changed. I've grown into a more forgiving person, not letting the little things hurt me as much. After all, I'm dealing with a lot more than most people try to throw at me. I tend to pay attention to the things going on around me more. I tend to have more sympathy and not judge someone's situation as quickly.  I say over and over you don't know what you would do until you are in that person's situation and I mean it. 

I don't quite understand yet why God chose me to walk this path but I sure do hope that something comes out of it. I hope it has a higher purpose. I hope I help one person with our story. I hope something will come out good from this experience because I want him to be honored and to have not died in vain. 

October 31: Sunset 

This is a subset picture my husband made a few months after Lawson died. He was away on storm and I loved the colors. The yellows kid of resemble a bird to me and I like to think he is as free as a bird in Heaven. That's also why I chose birds for my tattoo in rememberance of him. As the sun sets each day I know that I have made it through another day and I'm one day closer to seeing my precious baby again. 

Parts of my healing

There is some healing in knowing that I am not alone. I have been following two blogs lately. They are written as if they had my thoughts in their minds while writing. Its amazing how people can bond with someone they have never met. God gave me my story as well as theirs, although they seem the same, there are different situations.
If you want to check them out, I'm attaching the links. The first link I am sending you to is the first thing I read on her blog and I was immediately hooked. She put words in my mouth that day that I haven't known how to express and she does it beautifully.
http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html

The second link is a mother who inspired me to find ways to heal but still grieve. I am participating in her October 31 day photo challenge.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

Choose this path

The things I have learned about myself through the last couple of months has amazed me. You think who can know you better than yourself, but I am learning new things almost daily about myself. I've gained strength in knowing that I can make it through hard times, and humility in knowing that bad things can happen to me and I'm not exempt from these things.

I am reading a book called I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. I have only gotten through the first couple chapters and already I am learning. The thing that made me take a step back was reading how we think we know how God should fix things. In her words:
"I am pretty comfortable saying He is in complete control until the ground grows weak beneath me. At that point I tell Him what he should do to fix it."
I felt that God should and would intervene and heal my child, because that was what I thought he should do. God had a different plan, He knows more than I know. My cries were not for Him to decide what should become of my child, but I wanted him to heal him so that's what I cried out for. Its not wrong to ask God to intervene but I wasn't asking for His will to be done. I was asking Him to do what I thought He should do.

My child will not get his time on Earth because God chose that path for my life and my child's life.

'He answered, While the child was still alive I fasted and wept. I thought "Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live." But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.'  -2 Samuel 12:19-23

Lawson will not return to me and those are words that will tug at my heart for my remaining days until I get to see him again. But the hope that I hold to in that is that I will see him again, just not here.

I have had a very hard week this week and I know that these times will continue. I will have ups and downs. I will hopefully grow stronger but I am only human and will break down. I have had such a hard time and yesterday I just knew I had to go see his grave. I needed to go up there and talk to him. I know he isn't there but it feels better to have a place that you feel his presence and know that it's quiet. I have not been there many times, I will confess. It is hard for me because I just want to hold him again and the pain gets worse when I go to the last place I saw him. But I sat and cried for a while and talked to him and it made me feel a little better.
I know that Jesus weeps with me and stands beside me even at my weakest points because He doesn't like for us to be in pain. I think He weeps because we can't see what He can. We can't see the bigger plan. We can't understand why our son was taken.
This passage in the book gets to me also:
"He understands the ranting and the door slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my baby.
He knows.
And he has only one request.
Bring it right to Me.
Everytime the anger roars in your heart.
Bring it to Me.
Every time you feel like nobody hears you.
Bring it to Me.
When you think it isn't fair.When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.
Bring it to My feet and I will make an altar for your suffering."

It will 6 months on Sunday the 7th since we lost him. Just please pray for me and my family as we pass this milestone.


"When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not here to see,
If the sun should rise and find your
eyes, filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you.
And each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
When tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for everytime you think of me,
I'm right there in your heart."

Not the first to ask

My days come and go. I feel like some days I'm floating through life and don't have a purpose and then other days I am confident that I am living every moment to its fullest. It's been a roller coaster of emotions for me this year. I have hit the lowest lows ever and this past week has been extremely hard for me as I have encountered things that remind me that I will never get to see Lawson grow and learn and watch him progress through life. I don't want pity from anyone, just sharing my thoughts helps. I want people to know my story. If it helps you then great, if it doesn't thats ok too. I write these things for me and my sanity. Again I just want my story to be known because my baby was a human being and had a soul just like every other person and I want his memory and my feelings to be shared. I want people to know and learn about him because he is and will always be a part of me and my husband. 

Wife, mother, daughter and sister

"In the blink of an eye, everything can change. So forgive often and love with all your heart. You may never know when you may not have that chance again. "

Life changes....oh and how it does! It can take years, months, weeks, to even the tiniest second every thing you thought you knew about life can change. I have never realized that more than in the last few months. Before this year started, I was just something simple: a wife to my husband, a mother to my 3 year old child and one on the way, a normal daughter to my parents and an annoying sister to my sister (haha).
But on January 7th all that changed within a few hours, I was a mom praying for her child to be ok and at the time that's all that mattered.
A few hours later on January 8th, I was a grieving wife that didn't know if I wanted to live through this and having to lean on my husband, mother that had lost a child and wanting to cling to both my children, a scared daughter and sister who needed to be held together.
Man, even when you are going through it, the minutes that can change your life don't seem to be real. The feeling of standing there being helpless to help your own child is a feeling that no one can describe and I know that's the way God felt as Jesus hung on that cross. I would never wish that feeling on anyone.
If you think that your life can't change and it won't happen to you, you can take a step back just like I had to. I never ever thought I would be the mom sitting here at a computer sharing with people my experience with losing a child. If you had told me what my future held sometime last year, I would have thought you were crazy.
Yet, here I am. I am a wife who has to lean on her husband to get by some days, mother who grieves every day in some way for a child that I willl not know until I see him in Heaven, a mother that cherishes her time with her son that's living and gets upset at myself if I get upset with him, and a daughter and sister that tries to put on a smile.
It's hard every day and it's not a feeling that no one else has ever had, but let me tell you that every person deals with situations differently even if its the same situation. You don't know how you would handle the feelings that I've had unless you walked them with me in my body. My own husband has different feelings about some things and the experience was different for him in some ways because he's the father and men work different than women. Yes, he misses his child and it was his child the same as it was mine, but he has and will grieve different because that's how we are built. We went through the exact same thing but he has feelings to deal with that I may not understand, and vice versa.
The point is that when you stand there and criticize someone for the things they do or how they handle the things they are dealt. Just think. Have you ever stood in their steps, have you gone through what they have, have you been in their mind and thoughts?
I am the mother that has lost a child. Do I know other women that have lost a child, yes I do. But they will never know the exact way I thought and I will never know their thoughts. We may connect on some things, but ultimately we are different people and we will deal with things how we individually see fit. 
Life changes...in a second, minute, hour....however long, it can happen so appreciate each second that you have and appreciate your life. 

"You never know what God has in store, and you can make all the plans you want to. But at the end of the day, whatever's going to happen is going to happen."

I have made you and I will carry you.

Gonna write today because I have felt super stressed the last couple days. It's like I let it all build and it all comes crushing down. There are things going on in my life that I won't share on this blog, because that's just not my style, but it's not things that other people haven't gone through. I just got so overwhelmed with life in general on Monday. It seems like everywhere I turn something bad is happening to someone. It just hurts my heart.
I came in Monday to work and wanted to be there for a friend who had lost a great friend on Sunday, so I listened to her and just felt my heart get heavy. It just brought back a lot of memories.
Everywhere around me is death or hurting and I know that has always go on but I just don't understand it all sometimes. I know that I have a God who knows EVERY reason for EVERYthing, but sometimes that doesn't make it any easier. I have seen quite a few things happen to people around me lately: deaths, illness discoveries, etc. I think that the main reason I've become so affected by these is I know the hurt more real now than I ever thought possible. I see children with cancer, updates on babies that are sick, etc on Facebook and it all seems to hit right on my broken heart.
I thought that when I had my first broken heart was from my first love but that was FAR from true. My heart broke the day I lost my son. I think that God mends us but I also know that there is no way to replace that piece of my heart because I will always long for him until I'm with him. My heart lives outside my body with my two sons and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
If there was one verse that I have come to LOVE in the last couple weeks, it's this one:

I have made you and I will carry you.
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
                                     Isaiah 46:4

I got a tattoo the other day with this verse and my baby's birthdates. To me, this verse has two meanings: like God I have made and carried my sons, I sustain them by providing what they may need or want and I will hopefully provide some rescue whether it be just by turning the channel cause a scary part of a movie comes on tv (did that this morning for Landon...haha!). The second reason is that God provides all those things to me on a daily basis especially lately.
Do I fail God on a daily basis, I do, but it isn't something that I am proud of. I try to do good because I want to please him. He is my Father and I want to make him proud.
I know that Landon will probably do things that don't please me or my husband but I want to raise him in the way that he should go. He will always be my son, and so will Lawson even though I don't have to teach him because God is teaching him and he has no sin!
Moral of today's rambling ;) is that God will carry us on days like I've had this week and he will rescue me from this and let me have good days.   

My faith sometimes falters

Oh the ups and downs of life! As the events unfolded in Oklahoma yesterday and I learned of all the children's lives lost, it hurt. It hit me all the way to my soul that more parents have joined the grief that my husband and I have gone through the last couple of months and it made me break down. There are no words. I don't understand and I had a bad day yesterday and just wanted to know with all my heart the purpose of taking children's lives. I know I need to have unfailing faith but sometimes I fail in that. I do ask why and I do want to do things over. It just hurts all the way to my heart. I know exactly what the phrase means when they say your heart breaks for someone because I may not have been in that exact situation with those parents but I know the heart break of losing a child and it is the worst feeling I've ever experienced.
There's disbelief and pain  and heartache and wishing that things were different. I cried to my husband last night and kept saying that a lot of events that unfolded before and during my pregnancy are just so bizarre. Why choose during my pregnancy for me to contract CMV? It would not have affected my baby if it had been contracted at any other time, but because it was at a point in my pregnancy, I am now without my child. He controls everything, so why let my husband and I have such problem getting pregnant and then let me go so far into my pregnancy only to take him? And as I'm sure those parents wonder why would he let their child be in the path of that tornado.
I don't know why I ask myself and God these questions because He never promised us all the answers and sometimes its better that we don't know. I am human however and just wish there was a better understanding in some situations but then it wouldn't require as much faith. And that's what He wants us to have is faith.
Maybe my small purpose in life is that I can show someone love and support in the event of a child's passing. If I can help one person even just by listening or by writing these blogs, then maybe that is part of my calling.

"When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strenthen you."

"Dear God, I've tried my best, but today if I lose my hope please tell me that Your plans are better than my dreams."

The love of a mother

Mother's Day was a day of rejoicing for the son that I have that is growing into a little man and a day for me to reflect on the son that I don't have here to watch him grow. He would have been 4 months old and I would have been holding him in my arms. Instead I had to go to the cemetery and put some new flowers out for him. I know that my son was smiling as I cried there talking to him. It was one of the hardest days I've had in a while trying to control my emotions. As I pulled up to his grave I was overwhelmed at how pretty it was! The sun was shining through the trees and everything was so green. His grave is under two trees and they are beautiful. I cried just at the site because I had not been up there since March and nothing was blooming or green yet. We put his flowers in a small green tractor planter and put an owl birdfeeder on the shepherd's hook beside his grave. It turned out so cute! So boyish just like he would have been, just like his brother.
Oh how I missed him yesterday and thoughts that I will never get to celebrate Mother's Day with all my children physically but in a way he can warm my heart from the inside so I can feel loved in so many ways!
I spent the day with my mom and grandma and they are most of the reason that I can be the mom I am today because they taught me how to love. God has an unconditional love and I think that the closest thing to that here on earth is a mother's love. 
So this is to the mothers that have children that are living, children that are sick, children that may have had a life of less than two weeks in your womb, children that were stillborn or too sick to move on, or anyway that they came into this world, be thankful for the chance to be a mother cause some women do not get the oppurtunity to bear children or watch their children grow. Please love them unconditionally just as God would!

A mother is she who can take the place of all others, but whose place no one else can take.

Mothers hold their children's hands for a little while, but their hearts forever.

More than my own

I have lost a life-Not my own.
But it would have been easier  to
have lost my own life
than to have lost the life
I loved more than my own.

No better words for how I feel daily. God please let me have some peace as it gets hard when I see other people and how happy they are with their children. I miss him so!

It's not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time,
but more of like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body,
leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty.
Making you feel weak and tired, and yet you can't even sleep,
cause the sadness is in your dreams too. It's a sadness you can't escape.

Moments

This weekend was full of reminders of Lawson. I got home Friday and watched the episode of Grey's Anatomy that I had missed the night before. Well halfway through I got the most vivid memories of being in those moments of them making the decision to take him and being rushed to delivery and the anxiety and how upset I was.
The episode had a woman that was experiencing the birth of baby that had hypoplastic left heart snydrome. He was fine while in the womb, but when they delievered him he would need immediate surgery and chances of him living while making it to and through surgery are slim. As they were about to perform the c-section, she said no don't take him out, he's still living and I don't want him to die. That line that rocked me to my core and instantly made me cry. That was exactly what I was feeling and I wanted the best for him and they kept saying that the best was to get him out and work on him.You could say I was hysterical. Something was wrong with my baby, my husband wasn't there because it was supposed to be an easy checkup with the monitors, and I was going into a surgery that I'd never experienced before. But the only thing that I could think was that he wasn't healthy and I was freaking out. Luckily my sister was there with me. The only thing that I regret is that she had to be there to experience this sad event and had to inform the family what was going on after he was delievered. I thought that this kind of thing would never happen to me or any of us. I have never been more scared in my life.
Billy and I had a moment of crying and just holding each other also on Friday. It becomes so humbling in those times because it is knowing that I have someone there beside me that feels my pain. Because if there is ever a time when you feel alone its when you are trying your best to believe that something this awful could lead to good.
Last night Landon and I were playing on the bed and he pointed to my belly and said there's baby sister. He still calls it baby sister and I tried to explain once again that it was a brother and he had to go live in heaven with Jesus. I just don't know how to explain to a four year old and try to help him understand because I don't have his mind. It is a difficult concept for him I'm sure because he never got to see Lawson living. I wish that my son didn't have to try to understand such a hard subject and one of the most awful things that can happen to someone. I will share Lawson with him as he gets older so that maybe he will understand. As I will share Lawson with all my children that I may be blessed to have so that they may know that each and every breath and moment of life is special.

"I thought of you today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and
your picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake
from which I'll never part.
God has you in His arms,
I have you in my heart."

The Best One

Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you?  
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.  I asked “What makes a mother?” and I know I heard Him say, “A mother has a baby”.  
This we know is true.  “But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?”  “Yes you can,” He replied with confidence in His voice.  “I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.  Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.”
“I just don’t understand this God I want my baby to be here.”  
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear.  “I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today.  If you could see your child’s smile, with all the other children and say…”  
“We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear.  My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.  I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.  I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.  I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday.  When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay.  I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, “mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.”  
“So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay.  Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they’ll stay.  They’ll wait for you with me until your lessons through.  And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you.  
So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart.  It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start.  Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done.  They’ll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one.”

I love love love this poem. It means so much to me! I have had to look back at it many times during these trying times and remember that he is in the best place and is closer to my heart than I think possible. I did love him from the moment I knew about him. You see being an ultrasound tech I looked at my little baby all the time. I took his picture and sent it to family the whole pregnancy. That was one of the hardest things to do was to come back to the last place I had been when he was still alive in my belly. I didn't know how to NOT see him and feel him. You may think it strange but I suffered a long time with just wanting one more touch, one more hug with my little one. It was hard for weeks and I still have days where I crave his touch and want to go get his little body from its resting place. But I remind myself that his body is not what it was and his soul isn't there anyway. This poem helps me alot to look back at and remember that he is touching me, just not physically.

My heart is with both of them

The days are seeming to pass by in a blur the last couple of days. I realized on Sunday that Landon's birthday would be on Tuesday the 23rd of this week. It made me sad that my baby is growing up. The more I thought about sending him to school and not getting to spend the day with him, the more I didn't like the idea. It made me want to cry, well things worked out and I got to sepnd yesterday with my son. We had a great day together.
I wish his brother had been able to be with us. I know that I am blessed to have Landon! I miss Lawson like crazy but I apprecaite my time with Landon even more because of the things that have come to pass.
I love making him smile and hearing his laugh. I appreciate it so much when I hear that little voice say "I love you Momma". It is the most precious thing to hear.
As much as I miss Lawson, I am so thankful that I was able to get pregnant with him and caryy him almost to term. He was a part of our lives and always will be. I spoke with a woman  the other day that said she had never been able to concieve a child, and she cried each Mother's Day because she didn't understand God's plan in not allowing her to have a child. I just cried with her as we talked and told her of my situation also. We spoke about how there is nothing to do but remind yourself that God knows way more than we may ever know. He is smarter than our human brains and knows all. It may make us upset or sad but He does know best and if things were left up to us, the world may be even more of a mess. We then prayed together before she left. It was one of the most touching things that has happened in the last few months.
She showed me once again how blessed I am that I was able to have Landon and that Lawson was a part of my life for even that short amount of time.
God allowed me two pregnancies....one child is here to make me smile and for me to teach him all that I can and help to lead him in the right ways with the help of the Lord, and the other child is in heaven watching over us and living in my heart to warm me from the inside.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous, it is to decide to let your heart go walking around outside your body."

Well God decided to let me have two children, and one has my heart walking around the earth and the other has my heart walking around in heaven. Oh what a feeling!

God speaks to me

I hear God talking to me a lot through situations now. The other day I had a patient that was talking with me about her premature babies. They are both still living after being born at 28 and 26 weeks. The boy that was born at 26 weeks has a lot of developmental problems and it broke my heart to hear her story. It makes me thankful that God chose to take my baby from that pain. I honestly believe he may have had a lot of issues if he had lived. If God had chosen for him to stay however, I would have cared for him with everything I had. But it would hurt me to know that I could only help him in certain ways. I hate for people to make fun of other people especially when it is something that the person can't help, such as mental issues, etc. I would have been one of those crazy moms that might have gone nuts on someone! I truly believe that God chose to spare my son of those hardships and for that I am grateful!
The other day I had to take Landon home from the ballpark because he was acting up and sassing me. I was so so upset at the time, but after talking to this lady and her telling me that she had to make her son get out of the van at the ballpark just because he has a lot of social development problems and he doesn't like to be around people. He was very upset but she had to watch her daughter play ball. I was thinking to myself, Ok God I understand that I need to appreciate my blessings. I have a wonderful child that may act up every once in a while and what child doesn't. There are people dealing with things like this lady everyday around the world.
This quote stuck out at me after all this going on,
 "Don't let yourself become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget that you already have one."

I think that Lawson would be proud of his big brother even if he is a handful sometimes!

That tiny voice

I mess up in a lot of ways as a mother but I love my sons with all my heart! There are days when I cling to the hope that Lawson will be in my arms and its all just a dream and today is one of those days.I was driving to work and this song came on.

"Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now."
Credit to Plumb "Need You Now- How Many Times"

It hit the nail right on the head. It just popped into my head as I'm listening to this song that God knows exactly how we are feeling at the exact moment that we feel it and even before. He knew this moment in my life before I was born. Isn't that awesome and also a little nerve wracking?! He knows the bad things you thik also and that's why I'm glad we are still able to celebrate Easter this past month. Because He died for my sins and rose again so that the times I didn't exactly put all my trust in him or tried to take things into my own hands or even had bad thoughts or did bad things that I would be forgiven!

What do people do that don't have a support system like God or family do in times such as these?! I know that I can admit that even as much strength as those provide I still have felt as though I just might not take the next breath cause the pain was so strong. But because of my support from above and around me I am taking each step minute by minute.

There area times when I'm down and times when I'm ok with all that's went on. I miss my son more than I can say. I just try to trust that I have a God that knows the whys of my life.

I saw a quote the other day that said,

"Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day
saying, "I will try again tomorrow". "

How true that is to me! I have people message me or tell me that I have been so strong and they admire me for that. But honestly I have that tiny voice inside that says I can get through this and will because I have something to live for. Thats the only way I keep myself composed in daily struggles with this. I just have to tell God  this....
"Dear God,
I've tried my best and if today I lose my hope,
please tell me that your plans are better than my dreams."

I will carry you all my life

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this
'People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

A friend sent me this song (I changed the "her" to "him" in the lyrics). I loved it! This song says everything I feel. Of course it made me cry because I know that I could have taught him so many things but God is teaching him so many things also and is a way better teacher than I ever could have been. I'm thankful that I know where my precious baby is and can't wait to carry him again!

The little things

I'm finding as the days go on that I thought I would miss him the most on holidays and such times as that, but really it's the smallest things like watching Landon play, laughing with my husband, spending time with my parents and sister, and the sun shining on me as I'm enjoying the outdoors that I find myself longing for Lawson and wishing so bad that he were here on Earth with us to complete our little family. One of times I cry and talk to him the most is my drive to and from work. I am by myself so my mind is filled with thoughts of him and what we would be doing if he were here.
This weekend is Easter and as I got Landon ready for his Easter egg hunt and party at school this morning, I kept thinking that Landon would have loved to show his little brother his Easter eggs and talk to him. Landon is and would have been the greatest brother because he talks to his younger cousins so sweetly and is easy with them. This would have been Lawson's first Easter and would have been so fun dressing him and his brother as we would attend church on Sunday.
He would have been smiling at mommy and daddy now and learning new things everyday just as Landon did. I wish I could see his smile! I'm sure its the most beautiful thing. I can feel him smiling at me yesterday as I was sitting on our back porch and the sun was just gleaming down on me. It was the most wonderful feeling but always makes me cry. 
I know that God is taking such sweet care of my little one and he couldn't be happier, because God knew every minute of our little guy's life. I am certain of the happiness in my child's heart. Lawson was perfect as God knew exactly what he was doing even if we don't!

Psalm 139:13-16  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

 

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father

 

I love these verses and they just reiterate the thoughts I have that God knew exactly what He was doing and I love the gift that He gave us if only for a short time, because he has and will always have a GIANT impact on my life for as long as I live until I get to see him again!!

Carry him with me

"There's often an outpouring of support immediately after the loss of a baby, but with time, it dwindles. Family and friends seem to go on with their lives and grieving parents often feel pressure from the people around them to move on and let go.

For the grieving parents, however, "moving on" isn't possible. Their lives have changed forever, touched by a child who lives on in their hearts. There's a real fear of forgetting or dishonoring that child."
This phrase caught my attention in an article and it hit me right to the core because this is the way I've felt for weeks now.
I will keep this time in my life in my heart and will not hide it nor will I pick things up and act like this all didn't happen. This will be a part of my life FOREVER and it has changed me. There is no one that I have had contact with that isn't changed by such a tragic event in their lives. I will choose however to make my baby proud and carry him with me in my heart and live my life the best I know how. I will remember him everytime I see the sun peeking through the clouds, a light wind blows my hair, and in everyday activites I will picture him being a part of it with us.
My family and friends already seem to not want to bring him up or just feel safer not bringing up the whole situation in general and I understand that to a certain extent. You don't want to make me cry or upset, but he was a baby just like my living child. I love him as much as I love Landon and I talk about Landon constantly. I also feel sometimes that people feel uncomfortable when I bring him, they seem to get quiet. I don't want it to be an awkward situation, its ok to cry with me if we talk about him and ok not to cry too. 
I just want him to be proud of the way that I honored him by keeping his memory alive. 
Here is a poem that I really love. 

"Daddy, please don't look so sad
Mommy, please don't cry
cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God or think Him unkind. 
Don't think He sent me to you and then changed His mind. 
You see I am a special child and needed up above. 
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. 
I'll always be there with you.
Watch the sky at night, find the brightest star that is gleaming,
that is my halo's light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'm dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, thats me panting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug, that's me, I'll be there giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad
Mommy, please don't cry
cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies."