My faith sometimes falters

Oh the ups and downs of life! As the events unfolded in Oklahoma yesterday and I learned of all the children's lives lost, it hurt. It hit me all the way to my soul that more parents have joined the grief that my husband and I have gone through the last couple of months and it made me break down. There are no words. I don't understand and I had a bad day yesterday and just wanted to know with all my heart the purpose of taking children's lives. I know I need to have unfailing faith but sometimes I fail in that. I do ask why and I do want to do things over. It just hurts all the way to my heart. I know exactly what the phrase means when they say your heart breaks for someone because I may not have been in that exact situation with those parents but I know the heart break of losing a child and it is the worst feeling I've ever experienced.
There's disbelief and pain  and heartache and wishing that things were different. I cried to my husband last night and kept saying that a lot of events that unfolded before and during my pregnancy are just so bizarre. Why choose during my pregnancy for me to contract CMV? It would not have affected my baby if it had been contracted at any other time, but because it was at a point in my pregnancy, I am now without my child. He controls everything, so why let my husband and I have such problem getting pregnant and then let me go so far into my pregnancy only to take him? And as I'm sure those parents wonder why would he let their child be in the path of that tornado.
I don't know why I ask myself and God these questions because He never promised us all the answers and sometimes its better that we don't know. I am human however and just wish there was a better understanding in some situations but then it wouldn't require as much faith. And that's what He wants us to have is faith.
Maybe my small purpose in life is that I can show someone love and support in the event of a child's passing. If I can help one person even just by listening or by writing these blogs, then maybe that is part of my calling.

"When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strenthen you."

"Dear God, I've tried my best, but today if I lose my hope please tell me that Your plans are better than my dreams."

The love of a mother

Mother's Day was a day of rejoicing for the son that I have that is growing into a little man and a day for me to reflect on the son that I don't have here to watch him grow. He would have been 4 months old and I would have been holding him in my arms. Instead I had to go to the cemetery and put some new flowers out for him. I know that my son was smiling as I cried there talking to him. It was one of the hardest days I've had in a while trying to control my emotions. As I pulled up to his grave I was overwhelmed at how pretty it was! The sun was shining through the trees and everything was so green. His grave is under two trees and they are beautiful. I cried just at the site because I had not been up there since March and nothing was blooming or green yet. We put his flowers in a small green tractor planter and put an owl birdfeeder on the shepherd's hook beside his grave. It turned out so cute! So boyish just like he would have been, just like his brother.
Oh how I missed him yesterday and thoughts that I will never get to celebrate Mother's Day with all my children physically but in a way he can warm my heart from the inside so I can feel loved in so many ways!
I spent the day with my mom and grandma and they are most of the reason that I can be the mom I am today because they taught me how to love. God has an unconditional love and I think that the closest thing to that here on earth is a mother's love. 
So this is to the mothers that have children that are living, children that are sick, children that may have had a life of less than two weeks in your womb, children that were stillborn or too sick to move on, or anyway that they came into this world, be thankful for the chance to be a mother cause some women do not get the oppurtunity to bear children or watch their children grow. Please love them unconditionally just as God would!

A mother is she who can take the place of all others, but whose place no one else can take.

Mothers hold their children's hands for a little while, but their hearts forever.

More than my own

I have lost a life-Not my own.
But it would have been easier  to
have lost my own life
than to have lost the life
I loved more than my own.

No better words for how I feel daily. God please let me have some peace as it gets hard when I see other people and how happy they are with their children. I miss him so!

It's not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time,
but more of like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body,
leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty.
Making you feel weak and tired, and yet you can't even sleep,
cause the sadness is in your dreams too. It's a sadness you can't escape.