Last night my husband and I sat and watched the new lifetime movie "Return to Zero". I had heard about it through various sites that I follow on Facebook that deal with infant death. I knew that I wanted to see if this movie would quite portray the way it feels to have something so precious taken from you. I was surprised at the reality of the emotions, and the way it showed the overwhelming way that it becomes a part of every aspect of your life. That baby and those feelings are a part of you for the rest of your life! There is no escaping the way that it tugs at your heart when you see things that remind you of him or when its quite and all you can think about is that baby. Of course, because its a movie, some odd things take place that had nothing to do with most people's journeys. But overall the film made me laugh and it made me cry. I remembered feeling like I was mad, sad, confused, and overwhelmed all at the same time. I remember crying and wanting to scream because there was no other way for my body to let out all those emotions. It physically hurt for so long. Yes, physically, I didn't even know that was possible. I felt like my heart was ripping open. And still I know that my heart will always have a piece missing. I still feel him everyday and think about him almost constantly. The what-ifs play in my head all the time, even though now I can calm them a little. No one knows what to do when you have to bury your child before you even get to think fully about their life. One of the things that they ask you in the hospital is arrangements for your child. I don't know a single parent that has decided what they will do when they bury a child. Where do you want him buried, is he to be cremated or buried....all the questions and you want to do nothing but scream at them to just let you have time. But time isn't what you get when this happens to you. Time is stolen. There is no time allowed to spend admiring each part of that little being, or time to watch them grow. It all happens so swiftly and time is not your friend.
People say that I've been strong and really no one sees the parts of you that fall apart and will never be put back together. Everyone will handle their emotions differently and for a while I felt as if I might not come out a better person. I still know that I am a little more bitter than I thought, but that's a part of me now too. I knew that going on through life was my only choice and I had to accept that as a mom that lost her child, I will NEVER be the same and that's okay.
Towards the end of the movie, the mother of the stillborn baby says, "The thing that no one tells you about is the relationship that begins after they die." ......Oh how true! You have a connection and love with that child that no one else will know. They can't see it because he isn't here physically, but its like your child is still a part of your body and your whole being. It takes a place in each part of your life.
