Well thankfully I used my instincts and aired on the side of caution!
We started ultrasounds with our fertility doctor at 6 weeks and everything looked great!
Then 7 weeks came and went and still looking great, then 8 weeks.
On Friday November the 4, we have the last ultrasound with our fertility doctor's office and we are so excited to be being released to our regular OB and to really get the pregnancy process with her started. So on Wednesday, November the 9th I went in to have my first OB appointment....my mom went with me. We had an ultrasound scheduled first and the techs found no heartbeat. I do ultrasound for a living and I knew before they said anything that I had seen no flickering of the heart and I was already trying to process it in my mind. Once she finally said it out loud, I couldn't wrap my brain around it.
"Why, why, why is this happening?"- that's all my brain could process and think. All that comfort and hope and happiness just fell right there in that room. I've never had a miscarriage and I wasn't bleeding and I wasn't hurting and yet our baby who was growing so wonderfully with such a strong heartbeat just days before was dead. No little flickering heartbeat, no life left. It was devastating! Then I had to make the call to my husband, who bless his heart just tried to comfort me....and still is.
Y'all I thought we walked through fire with Lawson and we did and yet here we are walking through it again. Why, that's one question I would love to have answered. What good comes from having life ripped from you after you've waited and prayed and hoped? I'm honestly not sure and I may never know.
We scheduled a d&c procedure due to me being about 9 weeks and it being a lot of tissue for my body to pass on it's own per doctor's recommendation. So on Friday, November the 11th I walked into the Women's and Children's hospital where I should only have been 7 months from now to deliver a baby, and now I'm walking in there way too early and to lose that baby that we prayed for. It's not something I ever wanted to do and pray I never have to do again.
So many emotions in so few time! I was pregnant and after one procedure that baby is gone. And right now with it, the dreams we had for it. I hated the thought of losing it without making sure one more time that a miracle hadn't happened since just two days before and maybe it's heart had started beating again, so they let us go to ultrasound once again so we would feel more at ease. It was not to be, still no heart beat. We had the procedure done and I wasn't pregnant anymore.
I probably seem so medical and I don't mean too, but to explain the emotions of it all, well there really are no words to quite describe it. It's heartbreaking, literally!
I'm sorry if this is all so dreadful to read but I've always been real and right now I don't have a whole lot to give.
Do I have faith that God had a purpose and plan for the things we've endured? I do, what else can I hope in if I don't trust in that
Do I have faith that God isn't just "punishing me"? I do but it's hard at times to not blame myself nor wonder
Did I ever think I would be in a devastating place such as this ever again? I had prayed not but my plans are not His
Guys,
I'm in love with God and nothing changes that but when you are at rock bottom is when He's carrying you and right now I need Him only to carry me because I have nothing of my own.
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." - Psalm 46:1
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11 |
