Let me just begin to share my feelings since I haven’t in a while. This might be a long one!
I am not crying daily like I used to, but I still miss him EVERY SINGLE moment.
I still wish things had been different, that he was here with his older brother and cousins running around and just being a child.
Here smiling and laughing, even crying and getting upset. Because that would mean he was HERE.
But he’s not and that’s something I still have trouble with on a daily basis. I still, and always will, have that gut wrenching heartbreaking moment when I see or do something that would have been better if he was here.
It’s Christmas time as everyone knows, and I’ve always loved Christmas and everything about it: Jesus, decorating, presents, lights, and family. I even don’t mid the cold because I get to snuggle up with family and be warm. But this year I don’t look at any of these moments the same. Decorating the outside of my house was extra special this year because my husband and I wanted it to look extra special for Lawson looking down. Silly as it may seem, Billy and I discussed how he would probably think just like Landon and I and love love love lights and decorations. So for the first Christmas since Billy and I have been together, he actually said he wanted to do lights on the house because that was his way of doing something for Lawson this year! He wanted him to see it from Heaven. I was so excited! He still is a great dad even to the one who doesn’t get to spend Christmas with us physically!
Christmas is also different because all of our family moments will be minus one instead of plus one. His presence is felt but not seen, but oh how I wish he were there physically. I want to see his face light up with excitement for the moments of surprise with gifts and for the moments he gets to see family. I have to miss all that and I hate it!
Landon still seems confused that baby brother didn’t come home with us. He does like to visit brother’s grave. One day I think he understands as much as a four year old can, but the next day he may be asking questions again. I know in a child’s mind it is hard to understand why your cousins “baby brothers” came home and your baby brother is not home with you. I know time will help his understanding. I will still share Lawson with him in any way I can. He just has a tender heart and loves to be around younger children, so I have no doubt that he will be a GREAT big brother when he finally gets to bring a baby brother/sister home (if God has that plan for us).
I get sad thinking of what all I envisioned this Christmas to be like last year. I thought we would have a nine-month-old baby and a four year old and be a family of four. I looked forward to that change in our little family. I was very pregnant this time last year and it was close to when all the problems started. I get scared thinking of what took place this time last year and wish that I could have changed it somehow, but that’s not reality. I’m human and I’m not meant to be able to prevent things that are God’s will. That doesn’t change the uncertainty of life and each moment. I think about life in a much more fragile way now.
I have tended to make myself busy lately so that I don’t feel alone, and it has been harder with Billy back on the road traveling with work. It makes the house quieter, and its like a void is constantly there. We are minus two in our small household. Landon and I hold the fort down, believe me, but its just so lonely at times to come home and Landon has no brother to play with and my husband/his daddy is gone. Billy wants to be home with us as much as we want him to be. But things are just unpredictable right now.
Honestly, I will tell you that ever since this time last year I have felt uncertainty almost everyday of my life because I feel like this year has thrown so many things at our family that I did not expect. I didn’t think we would lose our child, or that Billy would have to go work outside our town again. There have been many moments I’ve gotten down and just cried out that I need a break, I need some peace that only He can provide, something to reassure me that above all else, He will pull through for me and for my family. That one day he will perform a miracle and I will have peace here.
I also have gotten really nervous about this time coming up again too, because Billy and I can try for another child now with my OBGYN’s permission. It is now considered safe for my body to be able to carry a child again. Why do you think I’m nervous? Sure there are many reasons. One I’m sure you know, is that its going to be hard going through a pregnancy and not being terrified of each thing that happens that something is wrong. I’ve pretty much accepted I will not be “okay” until my baby is born and is safely in my arms (and even then I will probably be a tad worried). But any parent that has lost a child has those feelings. No, my main concern that I pray to God about often is being able to conceive. Billy and I tried for a year and a half before Lawson was conceived, and he was only conceived because I went on a medication to help. I know that since Lawson isn’t here I feel even more antsy to be able to have another child because we have wanted another one for so long. I know that I am blessed to have been able to carry Landon and Lawson and I will not under appreciate those moments for anything. I loved carrying my boys. I would be pregnant all the time if my body were healthy. I pray to God more and more about it as the time has drawn here that He will choose to show out and provide my boy with the things it needs to be able to conceive.
So if you are reading this and think I’m just rambling right now, maybe I am, I just wanted to share my feelings and I got stuff off my chest.
Just please cherish every moment with your children while they are little and the fact that they were born and are here to be a part of your life. That you get to see their happy excited faces on Christmas because some of us don’t get that opportunity. And while you are at it, pray for me and my family, that we will have peace with the days of Christmas approaching and the emotions it brings. And that if it is God’s will that we will have the opportunity to bring home another child one day soon.
