This weekend was full of reminders of Lawson. I got home Friday and watched the episode of Grey's Anatomy that I had missed the night before. Well halfway through I got the most vivid memories of being in those moments of them making the decision to take him and being rushed to delivery and the anxiety and how upset I was.
The episode had a woman that was experiencing the birth of baby that had hypoplastic left heart snydrome. He was fine while in the womb, but when they delievered him he would need immediate surgery and chances of him living while making it to and through surgery are slim. As they were about to perform the c-section, she said no don't take him out, he's still living and I don't want him to die. That line that rocked me to my core and instantly made me cry. That was exactly what I was feeling and I wanted the best for him and they kept saying that the best was to get him out and work on him.You could say I was hysterical. Something was wrong with my baby, my husband wasn't there because it was supposed to be an easy checkup with the monitors, and I was going into a surgery that I'd never experienced before. But the only thing that I could think was that he wasn't healthy and I was freaking out. Luckily my sister was there with me. The only thing that I regret is that she had to be there to experience this sad event and had to inform the family what was going on after he was delievered. I thought that this kind of thing would never happen to me or any of us. I have never been more scared in my life.
Billy and I had a moment of crying and just holding each other also on Friday. It becomes so humbling in those times because it is knowing that I have someone there beside me that feels my pain. Because if there is ever a time when you feel alone its when you are trying your best to believe that something this awful could lead to good.
Last night Landon and I were playing on the bed and he pointed to my belly and said there's baby sister. He still calls it baby sister and I tried to explain once again that it was a brother and he had to go live in heaven with Jesus. I just don't know how to explain to a four year old and try to help him understand because I don't have his mind. It is a difficult concept for him I'm sure because he never got to see Lawson living. I wish that my son didn't have to try to understand such a hard subject and one of the most awful things that can happen to someone. I will share Lawson with him as he gets older so that maybe he will understand. As I will share Lawson with all my children that I may be blessed to have so that they may know that each and every breath and moment of life is special.
"I thought of you today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and
your picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake
from which I'll never part.
God has you in His arms,
I have you in my heart."
Monday, April 29, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
The Best One
Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you?
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked “What makes a mother?” and I know I heard Him say, “A mother has a baby”.
This we know is true. “But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?” “Yes you can,” He replied with confidence in His voice. “I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.”
“I just don’t understand this God I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear. “I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child’s smile, with all the other children and say…”
“We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday. When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, “mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.”
“So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me until your lessons through. And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one.”
I love love love this poem. It means so much to me! I have had to look back at it many times during these trying times and remember that he is in the best place and is closer to my heart than I think possible. I did love him from the moment I knew about him. You see being an ultrasound tech I looked at my little baby all the time. I took his picture and sent it to family the whole pregnancy. That was one of the hardest things to do was to come back to the last place I had been when he was still alive in my belly. I didn't know how to NOT see him and feel him. You may think it strange but I suffered a long time with just wanting one more touch, one more hug with my little one. It was hard for weeks and I still have days where I crave his touch and want to go get his little body from its resting place. But I remind myself that his body is not what it was and his soul isn't there anyway. This poem helps me alot to look back at and remember that he is touching me, just not physically.
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked “What makes a mother?” and I know I heard Him say, “A mother has a baby”.
This we know is true. “But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?” “Yes you can,” He replied with confidence in His voice. “I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.”
“I just don’t understand this God I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear. “I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child’s smile, with all the other children and say…”
“We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday. When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, “mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.”
“So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me until your lessons through. And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one.”
I love love love this poem. It means so much to me! I have had to look back at it many times during these trying times and remember that he is in the best place and is closer to my heart than I think possible. I did love him from the moment I knew about him. You see being an ultrasound tech I looked at my little baby all the time. I took his picture and sent it to family the whole pregnancy. That was one of the hardest things to do was to come back to the last place I had been when he was still alive in my belly. I didn't know how to NOT see him and feel him. You may think it strange but I suffered a long time with just wanting one more touch, one more hug with my little one. It was hard for weeks and I still have days where I crave his touch and want to go get his little body from its resting place. But I remind myself that his body is not what it was and his soul isn't there anyway. This poem helps me alot to look back at and remember that he is touching me, just not physically.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
My heart is with both of them
The days are seeming to pass by in a blur the last couple of days. I realized on Sunday that Landon's birthday would be on Tuesday the 23rd of this week. It made me sad that my baby is growing up. The more I thought about sending him to school and not getting to spend the day with him, the more I didn't like the idea. It made me want to cry, well things worked out and I got to sepnd yesterday with my son. We had a great day together.
I wish his brother had been able to be with us. I know that I am blessed to have Landon! I miss Lawson like crazy but I apprecaite my time with Landon even more because of the things that have come to pass.
I love making him smile and hearing his laugh. I appreciate it so much when I hear that little voice say "I love you Momma". It is the most precious thing to hear.
As much as I miss Lawson, I am so thankful that I was able to get pregnant with him and caryy him almost to term. He was a part of our lives and always will be. I spoke with a woman the other day that said she had never been able to concieve a child, and she cried each Mother's Day because she didn't understand God's plan in not allowing her to have a child. I just cried with her as we talked and told her of my situation also. We spoke about how there is nothing to do but remind yourself that God knows way more than we may ever know. He is smarter than our human brains and knows all. It may make us upset or sad but He does know best and if things were left up to us, the world may be even more of a mess. We then prayed together before she left. It was one of the most touching things that has happened in the last few months.
She showed me once again how blessed I am that I was able to have Landon and that Lawson was a part of my life for even that short amount of time.
God allowed me two pregnancies....one child is here to make me smile and for me to teach him all that I can and help to lead him in the right ways with the help of the Lord, and the other child is in heaven watching over us and living in my heart to warm me from the inside.
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous, it is to decide to let your heart go walking around outside your body."
Well God decided to let me have two children, and one has my heart walking around the earth and the other has my heart walking around in heaven. Oh what a feeling!
I wish his brother had been able to be with us. I know that I am blessed to have Landon! I miss Lawson like crazy but I apprecaite my time with Landon even more because of the things that have come to pass.
I love making him smile and hearing his laugh. I appreciate it so much when I hear that little voice say "I love you Momma". It is the most precious thing to hear.
As much as I miss Lawson, I am so thankful that I was able to get pregnant with him and caryy him almost to term. He was a part of our lives and always will be. I spoke with a woman the other day that said she had never been able to concieve a child, and she cried each Mother's Day because she didn't understand God's plan in not allowing her to have a child. I just cried with her as we talked and told her of my situation also. We spoke about how there is nothing to do but remind yourself that God knows way more than we may ever know. He is smarter than our human brains and knows all. It may make us upset or sad but He does know best and if things were left up to us, the world may be even more of a mess. We then prayed together before she left. It was one of the most touching things that has happened in the last few months.
She showed me once again how blessed I am that I was able to have Landon and that Lawson was a part of my life for even that short amount of time.
God allowed me two pregnancies....one child is here to make me smile and for me to teach him all that I can and help to lead him in the right ways with the help of the Lord, and the other child is in heaven watching over us and living in my heart to warm me from the inside.
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous, it is to decide to let your heart go walking around outside your body."
Well God decided to let me have two children, and one has my heart walking around the earth and the other has my heart walking around in heaven. Oh what a feeling!
Monday, April 15, 2013
God speaks to me
I hear God talking to me a lot through situations now. The other day I had a patient that was talking with me about her premature babies. They are both still living after being born at 28 and 26 weeks. The boy that was born at 26 weeks has a lot of developmental problems and it broke my heart to hear her story. It makes me thankful that God chose to take my baby from that pain. I honestly believe he may have had a lot of issues if he had lived. If God had chosen for him to stay however, I would have cared for him with everything I had. But it would hurt me to know that I could only help him in certain ways. I hate for people to make fun of other people especially when it is something that the person can't help, such as mental issues, etc. I would have been one of those crazy moms that might have gone nuts on someone! I truly believe that God chose to spare my son of those hardships and for that I am grateful!
The other day I had to take Landon home from the ballpark because he was acting up and sassing me. I was so so upset at the time, but after talking to this lady and her telling me that she had to make her son get out of the van at the ballpark just because he has a lot of social development problems and he doesn't like to be around people. He was very upset but she had to watch her daughter play ball. I was thinking to myself, Ok God I understand that I need to appreciate my blessings. I have a wonderful child that may act up every once in a while and what child doesn't. There are people dealing with things like this lady everyday around the world.
This quote stuck out at me after all this going on,
"Don't let yourself become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget that you already have one."
I think that Lawson would be proud of his big brother even if he is a handful sometimes!
The other day I had to take Landon home from the ballpark because he was acting up and sassing me. I was so so upset at the time, but after talking to this lady and her telling me that she had to make her son get out of the van at the ballpark just because he has a lot of social development problems and he doesn't like to be around people. He was very upset but she had to watch her daughter play ball. I was thinking to myself, Ok God I understand that I need to appreciate my blessings. I have a wonderful child that may act up every once in a while and what child doesn't. There are people dealing with things like this lady everyday around the world.
This quote stuck out at me after all this going on,
"Don't let yourself become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget that you already have one."
I think that Lawson would be proud of his big brother even if he is a handful sometimes!
Monday, April 8, 2013
That tiny voice
I mess up in a lot of ways as a mother but I love my sons with all my heart! There are days when I cling to the hope that Lawson will be in my arms and its all just a dream and today is one of those days.I was driving to work and this song came on.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
I will carry you all my life
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this
'People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
A friend sent me this song (I changed the "her" to "him" in the lyrics). I loved it! This song says everything I feel. Of course it made me cry because I know that I could have taught him so many things but God is teaching him so many things also and is a way better teacher than I ever could have been. I'm thankful that I know where my precious baby is and can't wait to carry him again!
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this
'People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
A friend sent me this song (I changed the "her" to "him" in the lyrics). I loved it! This song says everything I feel. Of course it made me cry because I know that I could have taught him so many things but God is teaching him so many things also and is a way better teacher than I ever could have been. I'm thankful that I know where my precious baby is and can't wait to carry him again!
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