New journey....insert drumroll

Soooooo....
Here it goes! After trying for over three years to get pregnant after we lost Lawson (not counting the 2 years it took us to get pregnant with him)....we have
- PRAYED
- talked over all details
- went over the whatifs and whatnots
- pretty much exhausted all other fertility options over the years
- taken time off over the months to relax ourselves
- done pretty much everything else you can think of ;)

Drum roll cause here it comes....
WE ARE GIVING INVITRO FERTILIZATION (or IVF as its commonly known) A SHOT!

That seems like I'm super excited, honestly I am...and I'm not....
if you've never been there just bare with me. Like I said we have prayed and prayed and done our fair share of battling with all this. It is definitely not a decision we made overnight.
I am excited that God has provided this opportunity (financially, spiritually and physically) to go forward with something as huge as this, however there are lots of things that we've endured over this journey that cause me to be overly cautious about getting myself worked up and excited. I am anxious, nervous, excited, sad, happy...the list could go on. (Ya'll, I need prayers cause I already have all those emotions and the hormone injections are not starting till the first week of July ;0))

Lets sort through all these:
I am excited because going through all this infertility crap is AWFUL but I get the opportunity to try a method that has awesome results and a high percentage rate (YAY!)
I am excited because we are praying and praying and putting our faith in God's perfect plan.
I am excited because I may be sporting a pregnant belly again in a couple months.
I am excited because God is providing us a way to expand our family and Landon may get a brother/sister.
I am excited because I will get to snuggle a sweet baby again whether its screaming at the top of its lungs or not
I am excited cause I would get to be a momma again

and then...
I am nervous about taking all these medicines that my body may not do well with and all the side effects
I am nervous about dealing with the emotions of the negative pregnancy test if that happens.
I am nervous about feeling like I let my husband down for like the gajillionth time (he has never made me feel that way, by the way, but you know how our lady minds work ;))
I am nervous about putting myself and my emotions on display for everyone
I am nervous about FAILURE

and then....
I am sad because this is what we have to try and do
I am sad because I never saw my life taking this turn
I am sad because if Lawson had not died, would I be feeling like something was missing in our lives right now and be trying so hard to add to our family
I am sad right now because I don't know the purpose of all this and frankly I don't have too

and then...
I am hopeful because I have an almighty God that knows my plan more than I do
I am hopeful because He is the pathway to these big things that I get to experience
I am hopeful because He blesses what He favors
I am hopeful because even though I'm on this journey that I would not have picked for myself, may HE shine brighter in it
I am hopeful because I have prayed for His will to be done, and ultimately I hope this journey is the one where He blesses us with another child
I am hopeful because HE is our God who is capable of all things and no matter what doctors come up with what procedures, HE is in control!

I really struggled with whether to share this journey or not but I know several have been praying for us already and I wanted to update you on things. I'm also telling you guys all this because some of you share this journey or a similar one, or maybe you don't but can relate to some of the things I'm saying....anyways I have felt led in the last couple days to just put it out there and ask for all the prayer warriors I can get.
So please pray for us!
That it will be a successful journey all the way through to the end pregnancy result
That it will be a learning experience for our family
That it will be helpful to someone I'm sharing it with
That it will be what God's plan has been about all along
That if it's God's will and He sees fit, He will expand our family

P.S. I am gonna try and share some of the journey throughout, but can't guarantee anything at this point. We will officially start the process in July so definitely be in prayer during that time!

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to you my son! Your first one is in Heaven! It's bittersweet for me knowing that you are having the best celebration, but I hate that we have to celebrate apart. I sent balloons up to you and I know they made me cry as I watched them float away but I felt like you would be watching me and your brother wishing you a happy birthday. Landon just laughed and laughed at us letting the balloons go, he loved it! I hope you did too! It's been a year since I got to see your precious face and touch you. I miss you with very part of my being. Happy 1st birthday, my sweet angel!