I'm finding as the days go on that I thought I would miss him the most on holidays and such times as that, but really it's the smallest things like watching Landon play, laughing with my husband, spending time with my parents and sister, and the sun shining on me as I'm enjoying the outdoors that I find myself longing for Lawson and wishing so bad that he were here on Earth with us to complete our little family. One of times I cry and talk to him the most is my drive to and from work. I am by myself so my mind is filled with thoughts of him and what we would be doing if he were here.
This weekend is Easter and as I got Landon ready for his Easter egg hunt and party at school this morning, I kept thinking that Landon would have loved to show his little brother his Easter eggs and talk to him. Landon is and would have been the greatest brother because he talks to his younger cousins so sweetly and is easy with them. This would have been Lawson's first Easter and would have been so fun dressing him and his brother as we would attend church on Sunday.
He would have been smiling at mommy and daddy now and learning new things everyday just as Landon did. I wish I could see his smile! I'm sure its the most beautiful thing. I can feel him smiling at me yesterday as I was sitting on our back porch and the sun was just gleaming down on me. It was the most wonderful feeling but always makes me cry.
I know that God is taking such sweet care of my little one and he couldn't be happier, because God knew every minute of our little guy's life. I am certain of the happiness in my child's heart. Lawson was perfect as God knew exactly what he was doing even if we don't!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Carry him with me
"There's often an outpouring of support immediately after the loss of a baby, but with time, it dwindles. Family and friends seem to go on with their lives and grieving parents often feel pressure from the people around them to move on and let go.
For the grieving parents, however, "moving on" isn't possible. Their lives have changed forever, touched by a child who lives on in their hearts. There's a real fear of forgetting or dishonoring that child." This phrase caught my attention in an article and it hit me right to the core because this is the way I've felt for weeks now.
I will keep this time in my life in my heart and will not hide it nor will I pick things up and act like this all didn't happen. This will be a part of my life FOREVER and it has changed me. There is no one that I have had contact with that isn't changed by such a tragic event in their lives. I will choose however to make my baby proud and carry him with me in my heart and live my life the best I know how. I will remember him everytime I see the sun peeking through the clouds, a light wind blows my hair, and in everyday activites I will picture him being a part of it with us.
My family and friends already seem to not want to bring him up or just feel safer not bringing up the whole situation in general and I understand that to a certain extent. You don't want to make me cry or upset, but he was a baby just like my living child. I love him as much as I love Landon and I talk about Landon constantly. I also feel sometimes that people feel uncomfortable when I bring him, they seem to get quiet. I don't want it to be an awkward situation, its ok to cry with me if we talk about him and ok not to cry too.
I just want him to be proud of the way that I honored him by keeping his memory alive.
Here is a poem that I really love.
"Daddy, please don't look so sad
Mommy, please don't cry
cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God or think Him unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you and then changed His mind.
You see I am a special child and needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you.
Watch the sky at night, find the brightest star that is gleaming,
that is my halo's light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'm dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, thats me panting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug, that's me, I'll be there giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad
Mommy, please don't cry
cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies."
Monday, March 25, 2013
Why?
Of course there will always be questions in my mind as well as my husbands. The whys and what ifs are abundant when something such as this happens. I have to remind myself over and over that God knows what He is doing and knows His plan for our lives and we may never fully understand. But that doesn't stop my brain from going over each detail of the things that came to pass. We really struggled with all the questions the first few weeks and my husband and I would cry for hours trying to understand. We still struggle everyday with the questions that our human minds can't seem to grasp.
I'll share some of the details that still disturb my mind, but am trying to hand over to God. Right around the time Landon was 2 was when we decided we would like to have another child. Billy and I had tried over a year to get pregnant again and it just wasn't happening. So we had to go another route and try a medicine that I would take on certain days to help boost my ovaries. Well it worked like a charm and we were pregnant within the first month of me being on the medicine. We were thrilled to say the least!
So as the days and weeks passed we kept talking about our baby and planning to be a family of four. I went all the way to 33 weeks with a clear prognosis for the baby. Yes I was having problems with my liver and feeling sick all the time but the baby wasn't supposed to be affected. I made myself power through with the least amount of complaining possible. ;) But I kept telling Billy, my mom and several other family members that everything had been completely different this pregnancy and my body could just tell something didn't feel right. Billy especially can attest to the fact that I kept saying over and over that it just seemed something was out of place. Little did I know that my feeling would be right.
The biggest why I struggle with is I wonder why God let us have such a hard time getting pregnant again amd let me go as far into my pregnancy as I did only to take my baby too soon. I just can't wrap my head around it. The only possible scenarios that I can come up with is that the baby would have had a lot of medical problems and God saw fit to rescue him from those by taking him to heaven. Maybe me and Billy needed to be shown a way to appreciate life.
Another thing that people try to comfort us with is that God never puts more on you than you can handle and we must be strong for Him to have known we could get through this. Yes, I believe that I am stronger some days and will never take for granted the joys of my child and pregnancy and every single detail of my children's lives. I will never feel the same about holding my baby for the first time. It is hard to explain the feeling I get when I think about holding our next baby if God sees fit to bless us with another one. It is a wonderful feeling to hold your child for the first time but with losing a baby after only holding him once, you look at that moment with so much more clarity and thankfulness.
Another why I seem to wonder a lot is why me and Billy? Why pick us over the millions of other people in the world? I know we are strong people but there are tons of strong people. I look around at life and see news of parents killing their children and abusing them and young women having children that they don't have a clue what they will do with a child. Also children having to grow up in the most awful family settings and wonder why God doesn't help those children by taking them to heaven. I would have loved my baby and done anything in my power to keep him safe, as would Billy. I am not the one that needs to judge these people however and I would never wish the hurt that I have expereinced on anyone, and in no way would I want someone to think that about me. I am just expressing the thoughts that I have sometimes. I know that I am not God and have no idea of His plan for anyone or any child. So I try my hardest not to ask the why questions. But I'm only human and they do play in to my mind when I'm not guarding it.
The one verse that I have to rememeber is Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I pray everyday that I am going to have a future with my children and He sees fit to bless me and Billy with more children. They will never replace Lawson's spot in our heart, but I will care for them and love them harder because I saw firsthand how fast God can choose to take them. I know that Lawson has a future and his future looks magnificient because he is already in heaven and never has to endure the pain and heartache of life on earth.
I'll share some of the details that still disturb my mind, but am trying to hand over to God. Right around the time Landon was 2 was when we decided we would like to have another child. Billy and I had tried over a year to get pregnant again and it just wasn't happening. So we had to go another route and try a medicine that I would take on certain days to help boost my ovaries. Well it worked like a charm and we were pregnant within the first month of me being on the medicine. We were thrilled to say the least!
So as the days and weeks passed we kept talking about our baby and planning to be a family of four. I went all the way to 33 weeks with a clear prognosis for the baby. Yes I was having problems with my liver and feeling sick all the time but the baby wasn't supposed to be affected. I made myself power through with the least amount of complaining possible. ;) But I kept telling Billy, my mom and several other family members that everything had been completely different this pregnancy and my body could just tell something didn't feel right. Billy especially can attest to the fact that I kept saying over and over that it just seemed something was out of place. Little did I know that my feeling would be right.
The biggest why I struggle with is I wonder why God let us have such a hard time getting pregnant again amd let me go as far into my pregnancy as I did only to take my baby too soon. I just can't wrap my head around it. The only possible scenarios that I can come up with is that the baby would have had a lot of medical problems and God saw fit to rescue him from those by taking him to heaven. Maybe me and Billy needed to be shown a way to appreciate life.
Another thing that people try to comfort us with is that God never puts more on you than you can handle and we must be strong for Him to have known we could get through this. Yes, I believe that I am stronger some days and will never take for granted the joys of my child and pregnancy and every single detail of my children's lives. I will never feel the same about holding my baby for the first time. It is hard to explain the feeling I get when I think about holding our next baby if God sees fit to bless us with another one. It is a wonderful feeling to hold your child for the first time but with losing a baby after only holding him once, you look at that moment with so much more clarity and thankfulness.
Another why I seem to wonder a lot is why me and Billy? Why pick us over the millions of other people in the world? I know we are strong people but there are tons of strong people. I look around at life and see news of parents killing their children and abusing them and young women having children that they don't have a clue what they will do with a child. Also children having to grow up in the most awful family settings and wonder why God doesn't help those children by taking them to heaven. I would have loved my baby and done anything in my power to keep him safe, as would Billy. I am not the one that needs to judge these people however and I would never wish the hurt that I have expereinced on anyone, and in no way would I want someone to think that about me. I am just expressing the thoughts that I have sometimes. I know that I am not God and have no idea of His plan for anyone or any child. So I try my hardest not to ask the why questions. But I'm only human and they do play in to my mind when I'm not guarding it.
The one verse that I have to rememeber is Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I pray everyday that I am going to have a future with my children and He sees fit to bless me and Billy with more children. They will never replace Lawson's spot in our heart, but I will care for them and love them harder because I saw firsthand how fast God can choose to take them. I know that Lawson has a future and his future looks magnificient because he is already in heaven and never has to endure the pain and heartache of life on earth.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
The autopsy
The day finally came that we could talk to the NICU doctor about our sweet baby and the things that had caused his death. I was more emotional than I had anticipated. We got there and she took us to a conference room, we sat down to talk and she confirmed the diagnosis of CMV.
CMV is the virus most frequently passed on to babies during pregnancy. It is transmitted via body secretions, such as saliva, etc. It is especially common in daycares and around small children.
10 to 15 percent of newborns infected with CMV in the womb have serious complications that are present at birth, such as central nervous system abnormalities, growth restriction, an unusually small head, an enlarged spleen and liver, jaundice, and a rash caused by bleeding underneath the skin. Some of these babies die. And up to 90 percent of the survivors end up with serious long-term health problems, which may include hearing loss, visual impairment, mental retardation, and other neurological problems.
Our baby was among the small percent that die from this. He had the fluid and mildly enlarged organs. The autopsy also revealed that a small flap (called the foramen ovale) that is supposed to close after birth after a few days was already closed off. It is supposed to close off days after birth because they don't need the flap to operate anymore once they breathe oxygen and need the blood to go to their lungs. It is what helps bypass the lungs when they are in utero.
This virus is so scary because the vast majority of women have no idea they have contracted unless they end up being tested for it for some reason. It is not a routine test done during pregnancy. It is also like a silent killer. We never knew that the baby was sick until a few hours before birth. The only indication before that day at the hospital was that I was measuring a few weeks later according to my belly measurements and we believe that was from the placenta enlarging from the infection.
My placenta had absorbed the virus and passed it to the baby and compromised the blood supply so it didn't have very many red or white blood cells, therefore his umbilical cord site was not able to clot.
He had small red spots underneath his skin which is a almost sure sign of CMV also.
He was such a sick baby and if nothing else comforts me, I am comforted in the fact that he didn't suffer long and he is with Jesus and will never know pain!
CMV is the virus most frequently passed on to babies during pregnancy. It is transmitted via body secretions, such as saliva, etc. It is especially common in daycares and around small children.
10 to 15 percent of newborns infected with CMV in the womb have serious complications that are present at birth, such as central nervous system abnormalities, growth restriction, an unusually small head, an enlarged spleen and liver, jaundice, and a rash caused by bleeding underneath the skin. Some of these babies die. And up to 90 percent of the survivors end up with serious long-term health problems, which may include hearing loss, visual impairment, mental retardation, and other neurological problems.
Our baby was among the small percent that die from this. He had the fluid and mildly enlarged organs. The autopsy also revealed that a small flap (called the foramen ovale) that is supposed to close after birth after a few days was already closed off. It is supposed to close off days after birth because they don't need the flap to operate anymore once they breathe oxygen and need the blood to go to their lungs. It is what helps bypass the lungs when they are in utero.
This virus is so scary because the vast majority of women have no idea they have contracted unless they end up being tested for it for some reason. It is not a routine test done during pregnancy. It is also like a silent killer. We never knew that the baby was sick until a few hours before birth. The only indication before that day at the hospital was that I was measuring a few weeks later according to my belly measurements and we believe that was from the placenta enlarging from the infection.
My placenta had absorbed the virus and passed it to the baby and compromised the blood supply so it didn't have very many red or white blood cells, therefore his umbilical cord site was not able to clot.
He had small red spots underneath his skin which is a almost sure sign of CMV also.
He was such a sick baby and if nothing else comforts me, I am comforted in the fact that he didn't suffer long and he is with Jesus and will never know pain!
Friday, March 22, 2013
The confusion in between...
The days after leaving the hospital seem to run together. We are all trying to adjust and learn how to cope with the things going on around us. All the while it seemed as if nothing was going to get better for a while. As if the things going on with the funeral and things you have to do as you prepare to bury your child weren't enough, I was becoming a burden myself.
It started in recovery when they had found a heart condition called Wolf Parkinson's White. That was another thing I was having to add to the list of stuff I needed to check up on. I had the liver problems in pregnancy, heart problems they discovered soon after pregnancy, and would soon have a blood clot in my c-section incision.
Since I didn't get much rest after returning home from the hospital with planning a funeral and finding a burial site for our precious baby, things weren't healing exactly right. It started while I was at the funeral home my incision started bleeding again and I was told it shouldn't do that so the day after we bury our baby, they tell me to return back to the ER and have it looked at. So I had to burden my husband with returning to the last place either of us wanted to be at the time. They found a blood clot in the incision and were able to take it right out, so it ended up being no big deal but you definitely don't want to deal with something else even as minor as it turned out to be.
I had to wear a heart monitor for a month and return to the doctor for that. He informed my condition was not life threatening and the only reason he would recommend getting an ablation was because I am in my child bearing years and he didn't wanna put me on any medications in my pregnancies that would cause low birth weight. So we are still making up our minds about whether I should do an ablation.
All the while I am also returning for regular visits to my OBGYN and it seems like I can't get any answers about what happened to make my baby so sick and the fact that we had no idea until right before he was born that he was sick.
The confusion of our baby dying so sudden and there are so many questions cause you just can't seem to wrap your head around. We knew that I had been tested for infectious type diseases soon after delivery so my OBGYN thought that the cause of death was CMV (cytomegalovirus). I, like most people, had no idea what this was. We were still waiting on the autopsy results though so she wouldn't really tell us a whole lot until that was proved as his cause of death.
The days all started to run together even more as I cried and searched for answers and it seemed as if no one could tell us what we wanted to know so desperately.....What happened to make our sweet baby so sick??!!
It started in recovery when they had found a heart condition called Wolf Parkinson's White. That was another thing I was having to add to the list of stuff I needed to check up on. I had the liver problems in pregnancy, heart problems they discovered soon after pregnancy, and would soon have a blood clot in my c-section incision.
Since I didn't get much rest after returning home from the hospital with planning a funeral and finding a burial site for our precious baby, things weren't healing exactly right. It started while I was at the funeral home my incision started bleeding again and I was told it shouldn't do that so the day after we bury our baby, they tell me to return back to the ER and have it looked at. So I had to burden my husband with returning to the last place either of us wanted to be at the time. They found a blood clot in the incision and were able to take it right out, so it ended up being no big deal but you definitely don't want to deal with something else even as minor as it turned out to be.
I had to wear a heart monitor for a month and return to the doctor for that. He informed my condition was not life threatening and the only reason he would recommend getting an ablation was because I am in my child bearing years and he didn't wanna put me on any medications in my pregnancies that would cause low birth weight. So we are still making up our minds about whether I should do an ablation.
All the while I am also returning for regular visits to my OBGYN and it seems like I can't get any answers about what happened to make my baby so sick and the fact that we had no idea until right before he was born that he was sick.
The confusion of our baby dying so sudden and there are so many questions cause you just can't seem to wrap your head around. We knew that I had been tested for infectious type diseases soon after delivery so my OBGYN thought that the cause of death was CMV (cytomegalovirus). I, like most people, had no idea what this was. We were still waiting on the autopsy results though so she wouldn't really tell us a whole lot until that was proved as his cause of death.
The days all started to run together even more as I cried and searched for answers and it seemed as if no one could tell us what we wanted to know so desperately.....What happened to make our sweet baby so sick??!!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Honoring Lawson: The beginning and end of his short life
Its been a while since I've done any blogging and I'm sort of timid about starting this up again. I have had a trying last few months. To say the least, the year 2013 did NOT start out the best at all!!
I started the new year well into my pregnancy at 33 weeks and since this pregnancy hadn't been the easiest I was anticiapting his arrival even more so. I had a sicker pregnancy with this child. I had been diagnosed with cholestasis where my liver enzymes were moderately elevated and my belly was starting to measure weeks ahead. It had been a very different experience than my firsy pregnancy with Landon. However, I was not anticipating the news I would soon get.
I went into work on Monday January 7, 2013 and hadn't felt good over the holiday break, but that day in particular my intuition was telling me that something just didn't seem right. I was feeling a little light headed and couldn't seem to get it together, so just as a precaution I went over to the nurse's station at work and got them to take my blood pressure. It was 160/94. That is very high for me. I called the doctor and she was on rounds at the hospital and wanted me just to come in to the hospital and have a stress test to check the baby.
Off to the hospital I went, I called my sister and mom and they came over to sit with me. I insisted Billy stay at work as it was gonna be a standard stress test just to check the baby. I had the same experience with Landon and everything was fine. It all escalated quickly after I was taken back to a room and put on the monitors and had an ultrasound done. The ultrasound showed fluid that had accumulated in the baby's abdomen, brain, etc. After the results were shared with my doctor, she decided an emergency c-section was in order. It all happened so fast that I only remember bits and pieces.
Next thing I know I'm surronded by nurses and am in the OR with my baby being delivered and he isn't crying as I hear them say he's being born. Call it mother's intuition but I knew something was very wrong. They rushed him away and I just wanted to be with him.
I was in recovery for a while and they finally let me go straight up to see him in the NICU. He was very sick and hooked up to a ventilator and couldn't clot blood and multiple other things. I had no idea what to think or do. I held his little hand and my husband took a picture and that is a picture I will treasure forever and never be able to replace.
I still had the hope as they wheeled me and my husband to our regular room. You never think something can go so wrong until you are in it. a couple hours later, they called on us to return to the NICU and they explained he wasn't going to live much longer. His heart just couldn't take it all. Me and my husband got to hold our tiny baby one time each and it was the greatest moment. He passed away at around 1:00 the next morning. He lived about 6 hours, but all the while he was a fighter. My only prayer is that he wasn't in pain the whole time, because I wouldn't take anything for the moments I got to hold him.
The whole month of January seemed to go by in a fog. Planning your child's funeral and finding a place for him to be buried was something that I never dreamed I would be doing! Luckily me and my husband have a great support system with our family and friends, and I don't know how we would have coped through that time without them.
My greatest fear had come true and I'd lost a child and I think that for a few weeks it didn't seem true. Some days it still doesn't.
I started the new year well into my pregnancy at 33 weeks and since this pregnancy hadn't been the easiest I was anticiapting his arrival even more so. I had a sicker pregnancy with this child. I had been diagnosed with cholestasis where my liver enzymes were moderately elevated and my belly was starting to measure weeks ahead. It had been a very different experience than my firsy pregnancy with Landon. However, I was not anticipating the news I would soon get.
I went into work on Monday January 7, 2013 and hadn't felt good over the holiday break, but that day in particular my intuition was telling me that something just didn't seem right. I was feeling a little light headed and couldn't seem to get it together, so just as a precaution I went over to the nurse's station at work and got them to take my blood pressure. It was 160/94. That is very high for me. I called the doctor and she was on rounds at the hospital and wanted me just to come in to the hospital and have a stress test to check the baby.
Off to the hospital I went, I called my sister and mom and they came over to sit with me. I insisted Billy stay at work as it was gonna be a standard stress test just to check the baby. I had the same experience with Landon and everything was fine. It all escalated quickly after I was taken back to a room and put on the monitors and had an ultrasound done. The ultrasound showed fluid that had accumulated in the baby's abdomen, brain, etc. After the results were shared with my doctor, she decided an emergency c-section was in order. It all happened so fast that I only remember bits and pieces.
Next thing I know I'm surronded by nurses and am in the OR with my baby being delivered and he isn't crying as I hear them say he's being born. Call it mother's intuition but I knew something was very wrong. They rushed him away and I just wanted to be with him.
I was in recovery for a while and they finally let me go straight up to see him in the NICU. He was very sick and hooked up to a ventilator and couldn't clot blood and multiple other things. I had no idea what to think or do. I held his little hand and my husband took a picture and that is a picture I will treasure forever and never be able to replace.
I still had the hope as they wheeled me and my husband to our regular room. You never think something can go so wrong until you are in it. a couple hours later, they called on us to return to the NICU and they explained he wasn't going to live much longer. His heart just couldn't take it all. Me and my husband got to hold our tiny baby one time each and it was the greatest moment. He passed away at around 1:00 the next morning. He lived about 6 hours, but all the while he was a fighter. My only prayer is that he wasn't in pain the whole time, because I wouldn't take anything for the moments I got to hold him.
The whole month of January seemed to go by in a fog. Planning your child's funeral and finding a place for him to be buried was something that I never dreamed I would be doing! Luckily me and my husband have a great support system with our family and friends, and I don't know how we would have coped through that time without them.
My greatest fear had come true and I'd lost a child and I think that for a few weeks it didn't seem true. Some days it still doesn't.
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