October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Project Heal
Ocotber 1: Sunrise
October 2: Identity
Lawson Drake Prince
We chose Lawson because that is my maiden name and a good way to honor my family name. Drake was chosen because we wanted the same initials as his older brother.
Lawson weighed 5lbs 7 oz and already had more hair than his older sibling did at birth. It was dark like his daddy's. His fingers and toes looked like his older brother's. He was perfect in every way.
He is our son! He is a grandson, nephew, cousin, and loved beyond all measures. The one that mommy will never forget and is holding in my heart. He is part of my testimony and though I may not know why, he is in Heaven and he is part of the reason I look forward to Heaven one day so that I can see him again.
October 3: Myths About Grief
Myth 1: "Don't bring up the baby in front of them, it may hurt their feelings or make them cry."
No, no, no! It might make me cry but in a good way! I love to talk about my son. You aren't reminding me that he died by bringing him up, believe me I feel that EVERY MOMENT! You are making me feel great because you are acknowledging he LIVED!
Myth 2: "Time heals."
Nope, not when you have lost a child. Sure you get better at controlling your emotions, but that's the extent. You know everyday that the hurt is there and some days, even if it's been ten years, your heart can break all over again for that loss.
Myth 3: "Daddies have to be strong and don't need to cry."
Again, NOPE! Many people told him that he didn't need to cry or be upset in front of me. I was relieved when I saw that my husband let his emotions show. It made me more connected to him. He was strong for me at times but you can only withstand so much! He had a son too and loved him as much as I did.
Myth 4: "Everyone loses someone in life, so you should get over it."
No one has ever said this to me, but I have heard people say it about someone that has lost a father, mother, etc. Fact is everyone's loss is different and you shouldn't judge their grieving process. It's exactly that...THEIR way of grieving!
October 4: Legacy
Lawson's legacy would be that he showed me and my husband how deep love of your children can go. I knew we both loved our first son and him, but when we lost him we saw how deep that love ran. It affects very part of your being and every aspect of your life. Your heart walks around outside your body when you have children. I appreciate and love better because of him.
October 5: Memory
The most thought about memory I have of my son was the moment they placed him in my arms after his death. He was my baby still an go kept admiring him. I kept thinking please wake up.
I think about that moment daily and miss his fingers, toes, little lips and every detail of him. I just wanna hold him again. I wish I had held him longer but I know that wouldn't have changed the fact that I left that hospital without him.
October 6: Ritual
I don't really have a ritual that I do, but one thing that I love and will always remind me of Lawson are owls. I can't tell you how many I have in my house now. I was decorating his room in owls and birds and bright colors. So now I think of him every time I see an owl.
October 7: You Now
My grief stage right now is uncertainty. I have whys and doubts almost every day, but the next day I will have more of a peace that God knows what He's doing and I don't. It's an everyday ups and downs struggle.
I feel sadness everyday because he's not here. I feel overwhelmed that this is how my son was taken and that I don't get to see him grow. I feel an aching in those moments that I remember all the details of the last couple months of my pregnancy and how quickly they faded into tragedy. I feel like my heart literally breaks when I wake up and have dreamed of him and he's not here for me to hold.
I would have to say I go through life paying attention to details I never took the time to notice before, learning more about me and the things I treasure. My heart is heavier because I will always be missing him, but it might be lighter in areas because he taught me to love better.
October 9: Music
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WAo2zdRbXic
This is one of the first songs I listened to after Lawson died. Just the sound of it brings me back to those moments. I had to be held by His hand then and still do.
October 10: Belief
October 11:Emotional Triggers
The hardest is when I'm around children that are about his age or pregnant women. I want to be in their position again when things were fine and I wasn't the grieving mom. I want my son to be alive and be growing like he's supposed to.
The cold weather is extra dreadful this year because it reminds me of the winter, which is when he died. It rained for weeks and weeks after we buried him and I feel like it may be a long first winter without him.
October 12: Article
This article is one I read recently and it was exactly how I feel! It explains exactly how I feel towards other mothers. I also enjoy her other posts. It is about how grieving mothers feel about mothers who have never lost a child. http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html?m=1
October 13: Book
The book that I have read that helped me the most was "I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy" by Angie Smith. Angie also lost a child and this is her story of the experience. She tells the raw truth of the moments of unexplainable anger and the moments you just have to drop to you knees and cry out to God. It was so real to read because I had felt those intricate moments as well.
Here is the link to purchase it on amazon. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/080546428X
October 14: Family
October 15: Wave of Light
Lighting a candle from mommy, daddy, and your big brother. We miss you, Lawson Drake!
October 16: Seasons
I think it will be a hard first Christmas since he died. Last Christmas I was still pregnant with him, but I was feeling very sick. That was the time that I started telling my family that I just felt something wasn't right. I had started feeling really bad and nothing helped. I still remember the feelings and I keep thinking about sitting at my mom and dad's house opening gifts and be swollen all over. I remember celebrating my birthday since its on December 23 at a restaurant and thinking I couldn't wait for him to be with us and celebrate my birthday and Christmas the next year. Little did I know that he would die several days later and I will spend this Christmas being so different, but not the different I wanted.
October 17: Time
Time, precious time. Or should I say awful bittersweet time. It hasn't yet been a year since he was nestled in my womb where I thought he was safe. It hasn't been a year since I saw him for the first time. It hasn't been a year since I held his tiny hand as he fought for his life. It hasn't been a year since I got to hold him in my arms as he gave his last breaths. It hasn't been a year since his funeral and the most horrifying feeling of burying our child and having to leave his tiny body in the ground there. And yet It has been an eternity it seems since I was able to hold him. It will seem an eternity forever, I think.
October 18: Release
I want to release the fear. The fear of the unknown, of going through another pregnancy. The fear of all the things associated with having a baby again. I want to release the regrets, the what ifs, the whys, all the questions. I just want to accept things as they are because I really can't turn back time and I can't make things "normal" again. I want to release all these things because I was chosen for this path one way or another and the fear doesn't change anything.
October 19: Support
My greatest support has been my husband. I did talk to him and still do to this day especially when the emotions hit me really hard! He is always there if he can do nothing but listen.
October 20: Hope
I do have hope for the future. I have a hope that I can make Lawson proud to call me his mommy. I have hope that he will have more brothers/sisters. I have hope that he has helped people in just the short time he was here even I may never know it. I have hope that our family will always remember him and will be better at loving because of him.
October 21: Honor
There are many ways that I have chosen to honor and keep him close in everyone's memory. The first thing that I really felt led to do was walk and raise donations for March for Babies. It was a great experience to share him with others involved. An overall way I vowed to honor him was to appreciate the little moments of his brother growing and to tell him he's loved more often. I want to take each moment with my children for all its worth!
October 22: Words
My favorite quote is one that we put on his headstone. It was one of the first quotes I read and it just fit.
"The world may never notice
If a rosebud doesn't bloom
Or even pause to wonder
if the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be
Touches the World in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we longed for
Were swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do
Every beating of my heart says
"I Remember You""
October 23: Tattoos/Jewelry
I had a piece of jewelry given to me by my best friends. It is a beautiful bracelet with my children's names on it. My husband and I both have tattoos that represent our children. My husband's tattoo is a copy of Lawson's hands and feet with his name above it. Mine is on my left back/shoulder and is a scripture that I found fitting with my living child and our angel baby birth dates on it.
October 25: #SayItOutLoud
I want people to know that I will talk about my baby, I want to hear his name. Yes it makes me sad but also makes me feel joy. He was alive and by you not acknowledging that he lived is like a slap in my face. When people ignore the event of his birth and death, who do you think that's better for me or you? I'm gonna say you. It will save you from having to acknowledge the loss. I know, I've been you. I've been the one on the other side and now I've been on this side also. So say it, say his name and acknowledge him in any way. It might make me cry but it will also make me so proud!
October 27: Signs
I believe that I have moments that I believe God is reminding us that Lawson is wonderful and happy with Him. I have felt most days that the sun starts shining right on me when I get overwhelmed with missing him. I have sat on my back porch many times and its as if the moment that I'm feeling the lowest the sun comes streaming through the trees to shine on the porch where I'm sitting. I'm not the only one who feels that way because my husband was visiting Lawson's grave the other day and was upset and the sun all of a sudden came out and shined straight on him. He said he felt as if it was Lawson telling him that he was fine and to not be upset. I know that in those moments there is a reason that I felt the warmth of that sun, as if it was meant to help warm my soul also.
October 28: Special Place
I can't think of a special place that I go to to think of him. I think there is no place that I don't take him with me. Going to his grave sometimes helps me, but I don't go up there much. I just have this awful feeling that I left his little body there and sometimes it overwhelms me. I know that he isn't there, because I believe he's in Heaven. My motherly instinct goes into overdrive though, it seems. When he first passed away, after we got home I would go to his room and cry and cry and look at his pictures and hold his blanket and clothes that he was last in. That room broke my heart, staring at the walls where I hadn't yet finished his room and thinking of what he would have looked like playing in his room. All in all, my special place is my heart where he will always be.
October 29: Healing
This one is hard for me because I am still healing and feel like I will always be healing and healing again from the events of his death. If course I've cried out to God many times, but especially in my times when I didn't feel like I could let all my anguish out on others. Of course there is my husband who I have also let my true and raw emotions and because he can also share the hurt, he has helped me heal because we are healing together.
I believe though the best therapy or help in healing has been to share Lawson with others. Saying his name and not being ashamed. Letting people know that I lost a son and that it happens to many people and if I can help one person through sharing our journey then that helps me heal a little at a time.
October 30: Growth
I know I've grown as a person. Maybe not on the exterior as much but my feelings and the ways I think of everyday situations have definitely changed. I've grown into a more forgiving person, not letting the little things hurt me as much. After all, I'm dealing with a lot more than most people try to throw at me. I tend to pay attention to the things going on around me more. I tend to have more sympathy and not judge someone's situation as quickly. I say over and over you don't know what you would do until you are in that person's situation and I mean it.
I don't quite understand yet why God chose me to walk this path but I sure do hope that something comes out of it. I hope it has a higher purpose. I hope I help one person with our story. I hope something will come out good from this experience because I want him to be honored and to have not died in vain.
October 31: Sunset
