Well the day came...

The day I've been worrying about came and went. The day my oldest baby started kindergarten. It makes me sad that he doesn't seem so little anymore, but I was and am so proud of the way he seems to be embracing school. He's pretty much a quiet kid and I was a little worried with him not knowing anyone and being scared, but he seems to be adapting without a problem. Children seem to have a knack for fitting in and going with the change better than adults.
 I did good and didn't cry until I got about halfway to work. Then I broke down and had a good cry thinking of all that Landon will be learning and seeing and that I will never get that "first day" with Lawson.  No first giggle, no first steps, no first words, no first day of school and that breaks my heart. Billy made the point that Lawson had his first day in Heaven and that it had been so much better. Which is so true, but as a mother I wanted those pictures of him and those sweet hugs as we left him to start his first big adventures. I will miss out on all those firsts that he would have had if he was here with us. I miss him terribly and will always wonder what he would have been.

Lots of things about him and our situation have been constantly on my mind lately and I'm not sure why. I'm sure its the stress of all these changes and fertility treatments, and Billy being back on the road traveling. It doesn't make it easier, that's for sure. Its been a constant battle lately of trusting God and wanting to give up. Have to keep in mind that I may not understand His will but I need to accept it because He knows more than I do.

That all familiar feeling

Last night my husband and I sat and watched the new lifetime movie "Return to Zero". I had heard about it through various sites that I follow on Facebook that deal with infant death. I knew that I wanted to see if this movie would quite portray the way it feels to have something so precious taken from you. I was surprised at the reality of the emotions, and the way it showed the overwhelming way that it becomes a part of every aspect of your life. That baby and those feelings are a part of you for the rest of your life! There is no escaping the way that it tugs at your heart when you see things that remind you of him or when its quite and all you can think about is that baby. Of course, because its a movie, some odd things take place that had nothing to do with most people's journeys. But overall the film made me laugh and it made me cry. I remembered feeling like I was mad, sad, confused, and overwhelmed all at the same time. I remember crying and wanting to scream because there was no other way for my body to let out all those emotions. It physically hurt for so long. Yes, physically, I didn't even know that was possible. I felt like my heart was ripping open. And still I know that my heart will always have a piece missing. I still feel him everyday and think about him almost constantly. The what-ifs play in my head all the time, even though now I can calm them a little. No one knows what to do when you have to bury your child before you even get to think fully about their life. One of the things that they ask you in the hospital is arrangements for your child. I don't know a single parent that has decided what they will do when they bury a child. Where do you want him buried, is he to be cremated or buried....all the questions and you want to do nothing but scream at them to just let you have time. But time isn't what you get when this happens to you. Time is stolen. There is no time allowed to spend admiring each part of that little being, or time to watch them grow. It all happens so swiftly and time is not your friend.
People say that I've been strong and really no one sees the parts of you that fall apart and will never be put back together. Everyone will handle their emotions differently and for a while I felt as if I might not come out a better person. I still know that I am a little more bitter than I thought, but that's a part of me now too. I knew that going on through life was my only choice and I had to accept that as a mom that lost her child, I will NEVER be the same and that's okay.
 Towards the end of the movie, the mother of the stillborn baby says, "The thing that no one tells you about is the relationship that begins after they die." ......Oh how true! You have a connection and love with that child that no one else will know. They can't see it because he isn't here physically, but its like your child is still a part of your body and your whole being. It takes a place in each part of your life.

 

 

Days

Days have come and days have gone...though the days don't ever feel the same to me. I am healing in ways and only by God's grace but honestly the pressure society puts on parents to just get over their children they've lost is ludicrous. I miss and think of him in everything I do. I think of him when I'm alone, I think of him when I'm with many people and watching them with their children, I think of what we would be doing if he were here, how each thing we did would be different in some small way. He fills my thoughts. I think of him as we go through our fertility problems and how I would have a little more peace if he were here. I think that I was at the lowest point this time last year and God showed me how to pull myself up. I've come a really long way since the days of thinking that my heart was literally breaking in my chest. That's what it feels like to lose a child to me. Imagine the worst emotions you could ever have and they are uncontrollable. So uncontrollable that they make you physically hurt as well. They make you feel like your heart is being ripped out and doesn't know how to beat. I still remember laying in my bed and crying and crying and thinking that I may not live through the pain. 

God has another plan for me, I hope but I don't know quite what it is yet. I don't know why we were chosen for this path or the path that He's leading us on now. I just need his guidance. 

As I was writing this a scripture popped into my head so I will share it.  

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

                           Matthew 11:28

Feelings at Christmas

Let me just begin to share my feelings since I haven’t in a while. This might be a long one!

I am not crying daily like I used to, but I still miss him EVERY SINGLE moment.

I still wish things had been different, that he was here with his older brother and cousins running around and just being a child.

Here smiling and laughing, even crying and getting upset. Because that would mean he was HERE.

But he’s not and that’s something I still have trouble with on a daily basis. I still, and always will, have that gut wrenching heartbreaking moment when I see or do something that would have been better if he was here.

It’s Christmas time as everyone knows, and I’ve always loved Christmas and everything about it: Jesus, decorating, presents, lights, and family. I even don’t mid the cold because I get to snuggle up with family and be warm. But this year I don’t look at any of these moments the same. Decorating the outside of my house was extra special this year because my husband and I wanted it to look extra special for Lawson looking down. Silly as it may seem, Billy and I discussed how he would probably think just like Landon and I and love love love lights and decorations. So for the first Christmas since Billy and I have been together, he actually said he wanted to do lights on the house because that was his way of doing something for Lawson this year! He wanted him to see it from Heaven. I was so excited! He still is a great dad even to the one who doesn’t get to spend Christmas with us physically!

Christmas is also different because all of our family moments will be minus one instead of plus one. His presence is felt but not seen, but oh how I wish he were there physically. I want to see his face light up with excitement for the moments of surprise with gifts and for the moments he gets to see family. I have to miss all that and I hate it!

Landon still seems confused that baby brother didn’t come home with us. He does like to visit brother’s grave. One day I think he understands as much as a four year old can, but the next day he may be asking questions again. I know in a child’s mind it is hard to understand why your cousins “baby brothers” came home and your baby brother is not home with you. I know time will help his understanding. I will still share Lawson with him in any way I can. He just has a tender heart and loves to be around younger children, so I have no doubt that he will be a GREAT big brother when he finally gets to bring a baby brother/sister home (if God has that plan for us).

I get sad thinking of what all I envisioned this Christmas to be like last year. I thought we would have a nine-month-old baby and a four year old and be a family of four. I looked forward to that change in our little family. I was very pregnant this time last year and it was close to when all the problems started. I get scared thinking of what took place this time last year and wish that I could have changed it somehow, but that’s not reality. I’m human and I’m not meant to be able to prevent things that are God’s will. That doesn’t change the uncertainty of life and each moment. I think about life in a much more fragile way now.

I have tended to make myself busy lately so that I don’t feel alone, and it has been harder with Billy back on the road traveling with work. It makes the house quieter, and its like a void is constantly there. We are minus two in our small household. Landon and I hold the fort down, believe me, but its just so lonely at times to come home and Landon has no brother to play with and my husband/his daddy is gone. Billy wants to be home with us as much as we want him to be. But things are just unpredictable right now.

Honestly, I will tell you that ever since this time last year I have felt uncertainty almost everyday of my life because I feel like this year has thrown so many things at our family that I did not expect. I didn’t think we would lose our child, or that Billy would have to go work outside our town again. There have been many moments I’ve gotten down and just cried out that I need a break, I need some peace that only He can provide, something to reassure me that above all else, He will pull through for me and for my family. That one day he will perform a miracle and I will have peace here.

I also have gotten really nervous about this time coming up again too, because Billy and I can try for another child now with my OBGYN’s permission. It is now considered safe for my body to be able to carry a child again. Why do you think I’m nervous? Sure there are many reasons. One I’m sure you know, is that its going to be hard going through a pregnancy and not being terrified of each thing that happens that something is wrong. I’ve pretty much accepted I will not be “okay” until my baby is born and is safely in my arms (and even then I will probably be a tad worried). But any parent that has lost a child has those feelings. No, my main concern that I pray to God about often is being able to conceive. Billy and I tried for a year and a half before Lawson was conceived, and he was only conceived because I went on a medication to help. I know that since Lawson isn’t here I feel even more antsy to be able to have another child because we have wanted another one for so long. I know that I am blessed to have been able to carry Landon and Lawson and I will not under appreciate those moments for anything. I loved carrying my boys. I would be pregnant all the time if my body were healthy. I pray to God more and more about it as the time has drawn here that He will choose to show out and provide my boy with the things it needs to be able to conceive.

So if you are reading this and think I’m just rambling right now, maybe I am, I just wanted to share my feelings and I got stuff off my chest.

Just please cherish every moment with your children while they are little and the fact that they were born and are here to be a part of your life. That you get to see their happy excited faces on Christmas because some of us don’t get that opportunity. And while you are at it, pray for me and my family, that we will have peace with the days of Christmas approaching and the emotions it brings. And that if it is God’s will that we will have the opportunity to bring home another child one day soon.  

Bad Day?

I have these kind of days SO OFTEN!!!
Facets of Life...: Bad day?: Follow me on this one...  and please take no offense, this is just a reflective expression of my words ... just food for thought. There ar...

Project Heal: October: Capture Your Grief: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Project Heal

Ocotber 1: Sunrise

Captured the sunrise near where I saw and held my son for the first time. The only healing I get from that is that he may enjoy that sunrise as much as me. I believe he was smiling at me as I tried to get the sun streaming through the clouds. I will hold and see him again in Heaven and we will get to be with the Son! Thank God for the "sunrise" and the "Son rising". Each sun rise is appreciated while I remain here and because the Son rose I will get to see my baby again soon.

October 2: Identity

 Lawson Drake Prince

We chose Lawson because that is my maiden name and a good way to honor my family name. Drake was chosen because we wanted the same initials as his older brother. 

Lawson weighed 5lbs 7 oz and already had more hair than his older sibling did at birth. It was dark like his daddy's. His fingers and toes looked like his older brother's. He was perfect in every way. 

He is our son! He is a grandson, nephew, cousin, and loved beyond all measures. The one that mommy will never forget and is holding in my heart. He is part of my testimony and though I may not know why, he is in Heaven and he is part of the reason I look forward to Heaven one day so that I can see him again. 

October 3: Myths About Grief 

Myth 1: "Don't bring up the baby in front of them, it may hurt their feelings or make them cry." 

No, no, no! It might make me cry but in a good way! I love to talk about my son. You aren't reminding me that he died by bringing him up, believe me I feel that EVERY MOMENT! You are making me feel great because you are acknowledging he LIVED! 

Myth 2: "Time heals." 

Nope, not when you have lost a child. Sure you get better at controlling your emotions, but that's the extent. You know everyday that the hurt is there and some days, even if it's been ten years, your heart can break all over again for that loss. 

Myth 3: "Daddies have to be strong and don't need to cry." 

Again, NOPE! Many people told him that he didn't need to cry or be upset in front of me. I was relieved when I saw that my husband let his emotions show. It made me more connected to him. He was strong for me at times but you can only withstand so much! He had a son too and loved him as much as I did. 

Myth 4: "Everyone loses someone in life, so you should get over it."

No one has ever said this to me, but I have heard people say it about someone that has lost a father, mother, etc. Fact is everyone's loss is different and you shouldn't judge their grieving process. It's exactly that...THEIR way of grieving! 

October 4: Legacy 

Lawson's legacy would be that he showed me and my husband how deep love of your children can go. I knew we both loved our first son and him, but when we lost him we saw how deep that love ran. It affects very part of your being and every aspect of your life. Your heart walks around outside your body when you have children. I appreciate and love better because of him. 

October 5: Memory 

The most thought about memory I have of my son was the moment they placed him in my arms after his death. He was my baby still an go kept admiring him. I kept thinking please wake up. 

I think about that moment daily and miss his fingers, toes, little lips and every detail of him. I just wanna hold him again. I wish I had held him longer but I know that wouldn't have changed the fact that I left that hospital without him. 

October 6: Ritual 

I don't really have a ritual that I do, but one thing that I love and will always remind me of Lawson are owls. I can't tell you how many I have in my house now. I was decorating his room in owls and birds and bright colors. So now I think of him every time I see an owl. 

October 7: You Now 

My grief stage right now is uncertainty. I have whys and doubts almost every day, but the next day I will have more of a peace that God knows what He's doing and I don't. It's an everyday ups and downs struggle. 

I feel sadness everyday because he's not here. I feel overwhelmed that this is how my son was taken and that I don't get to see him grow. I feel an aching in those moments that I remember all the details of the last couple months of my pregnancy and how quickly they faded into tragedy. I feel like my heart literally breaks when I wake up and have dreamed of him and he's not here for me to hold. 

I would have to say I go through life paying attention to details I never took the time to notice before, learning more about me and the things I treasure. My heart is heavier because I will always be missing him, but it might be lighter in areas because he taught me to love better. 

October 9: Music 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WAo2zdRbXic

This is one of the first songs I listened to after Lawson died. Just the sound of it brings me back to those moments. I had to be held by His hand then and still do. 

October 10: Belief 

I believe that my son was welcomed into the arms of Jesus when he died. God knew Lawson's plan way before I did and I still don't know the purpose, but I am going to see my son again one day. That's the only thing that gets me past the heartbreak of missing him. 

October 11:Emotional Triggers

  

The hardest is when I'm around children that are about his age or pregnant women. I want to be in their position again when things were fine and I wasn't the grieving mom. I want my son to be alive and be growing like he's supposed to. 

The cold weather is extra dreadful this year because it reminds me of the winter, which is when he died. It rained for weeks and weeks after we buried him and I feel like it may be a long first winter without him. 

October 12: Article 

This article is one I read recently and it was exactly how I feel! It explains exactly how I feel towards other mothers. I also enjoy her other posts.  It is about how grieving mothers feel about mothers who have never lost a child. http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html?m=1

October 13: Book 

The book that I have read that helped me the most was "I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy"  by Angie Smith. Angie also lost a child and this is her story of the experience. She tells the raw truth of the moments of unexplainable anger and the moments you just have to drop to you knees and cry out to God. It was so real to read because I had felt those intricate moments as well. 

Here is the link to purchase it on amazon. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/080546428X

October 14: Family 

My family today, that's a hard one. We still look the same to people that don't really know us. It's still me, my husband and our 4 year old son. I am so thankful for them. They help me through the moments when I just want to go to heaven to see Lawson, but then I think of them and know that I wanna be there for them and experience more of life with them by my side. However, in my heart and mind, our family will always be missing one. One boy who is loved more than I can say. One boy who I will embrace again one day, but until then I will miss him every second of every day I'm alive. 

October 15: Wave of Light 

Lighting a candle from mommy, daddy, and your big brother. We miss you, Lawson Drake! 

October 16: Seasons

 I think it will be a hard first Christmas since he died. Last Christmas I was still pregnant with him, but I was feeling very sick. That was the time that I started telling my family that I just felt something wasn't right. I had started feeling really bad and nothing helped. I still remember the feelings and I keep thinking about sitting at my mom and dad's house opening gifts and be swollen all over. I remember celebrating my birthday since its on December 23 at a restaurant and thinking I couldn't wait for him to be with us and celebrate my birthday and Christmas the next year. Little did I know that he would die several days later and I will spend this Christmas being so different, but not the different I wanted. 

October 17: Time

Time, precious time. Or should I say awful bittersweet time. It hasn't yet been a year since he was nestled in my womb where I thought he was safe. It hasn't been a year since I saw him for the first time. It hasn't been a year since I held his tiny hand  as he fought for his life. It hasn't been a year since I got to hold him in my arms as he gave his last breaths. It hasn't been a year since his funeral and the most horrifying feeling of burying our child and having to leave his tiny body in the ground there. And yet It has been an eternity it seems since I was able to hold him. It will seem an eternity forever, I think. 

October 18: Release

I want to release the fear. The fear of the unknown, of going through another pregnancy. The fear of all the things associated with having a baby again. I want to release the regrets, the what ifs, the whys, all the questions. I just want to accept things as they are because I really can't turn back time and I can't make things "normal" again. I want to release all these things because I was chosen for this path one way or another and the fear doesn't change anything. 

October 19: Support 

My greatest support has been my husband. I did talk to him and still do to this day especially when the emotions hit me really hard! He is always there if he can do nothing but listen. 

October 20: Hope

I do have hope for the future. I have a hope that I can make Lawson proud to call me his mommy. I have hope that he will have more brothers/sisters. I have hope that he has helped people in just the short time he was here even I may never know it. I have hope that our family will always remember him and will be better at loving because of him. 

October 21: Honor

There are many ways that I have chosen to honor and keep him close in everyone's memory. The first thing that I really felt led to do was walk and raise donations for March for Babies. It was a great experience to share him with others involved. An overall way I vowed to honor him was to appreciate the little moments of his brother growing and to tell him he's loved more often. I want to take each moment with my children for all its worth! 

October 22: Words 

My favorite quote is one that we put on his headstone. It was one of the first quotes I read and it just fit. 

"The world may never notice

If a rosebud doesn't bloom

Or even pause to wonder

if the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be

Touches the World in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we longed for

Were swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do

Every beating of my heart says

"I Remember You"" 

October 23: Tattoos/Jewelry

 

I had a piece of jewelry given to me by my best friends. It is a beautiful bracelet with my children's names on it. My husband and I both have tattoos that represent our children. My husband's tattoo is a copy of Lawson's hands and feet with his name above it. Mine is on my left back/shoulder and is a scripture that I found fitting with my living child and our angel baby birth dates on it.

October 25: #SayItOutLoud

 

I want people to know that I will talk about my baby, I want to hear his name. Yes it makes me sad but also makes me feel joy. He was alive and by you not acknowledging that he lived is like a slap in my face. When people ignore the event of his birth and death, who do you think that's better for me or you? I'm gonna say you. It will save you from having to acknowledge the loss. I know, I've been you. I've been the one on the other side and now I've been on this side also. So say it, say his name and acknowledge him in any way. It might make me cry but it will also make me so proud! 

October 27: Signs 

I believe that I have moments that I believe God is reminding us that Lawson is wonderful and happy with Him. I have felt most days that the sun starts shining right on me when I get overwhelmed with missing him. I have sat on my back porch many times and its as if the moment that I'm feeling the lowest the sun comes streaming through the trees to shine on the porch where I'm sitting. I'm not the only one who feels that way because my husband was visiting Lawson's grave the other day and was upset and the sun all of a sudden came out and shined straight on him. He said he felt as if it was Lawson telling him that he was fine and to not be upset. I know that in those moments there is a reason that I felt the warmth of that sun, as if it was meant to help warm my soul also. 

October 28: Special Place

 

I can't think of a special place that I go to to think of him. I think there is no place that I don't take him with me. Going to his grave sometimes helps me, but I don't go up there much. I just have this awful feeling that I left his little body there and sometimes it overwhelms me. I know that he isn't there, because I believe he's in Heaven. My motherly instinct goes into overdrive though, it seems. When he first passed away, after we got home I would go to his room and cry and cry and look at his pictures and hold his blanket and clothes that he was last in. That room broke my heart, staring at the walls where I hadn't yet finished his room and thinking of what he would have looked like playing in his room. All in all, my special place is my heart where he will always be. 

October 29: Healing

This one is hard for me because I am still healing and feel like I will always be healing and healing again from the events of his death. If course I've cried out to God many times, but especially in my times when I didn't feel like I could let all my anguish out on others. Of course there is my husband who I have also let my true and raw emotions and because he can also share the hurt, he has helped me heal because we are healing together. 

I believe though the best therapy or help in healing has been to share Lawson with others. Saying his name and not being ashamed. Letting people know that I lost a son and that it happens to many people and if I can help one person through sharing our journey then that helps me heal a little at a time. 

October 30: Growth 

I know I've grown as a person. Maybe not on the exterior as much but my feelings and the ways I think of everyday situations have definitely changed. I've grown into a more forgiving person, not letting the little things hurt me as much. After all, I'm dealing with a lot more than most people try to throw at me. I tend to pay attention to the things going on around me more. I tend to have more sympathy and not judge someone's situation as quickly.  I say over and over you don't know what you would do until you are in that person's situation and I mean it. 

I don't quite understand yet why God chose me to walk this path but I sure do hope that something comes out of it. I hope it has a higher purpose. I hope I help one person with our story. I hope something will come out good from this experience because I want him to be honored and to have not died in vain. 

October 31: Sunset 

This is a subset picture my husband made a few months after Lawson died. He was away on storm and I loved the colors. The yellows kid of resemble a bird to me and I like to think he is as free as a bird in Heaven. That's also why I chose birds for my tattoo in rememberance of him. As the sun sets each day I know that I have made it through another day and I'm one day closer to seeing my precious baby again. 

Parts of my healing

There is some healing in knowing that I am not alone. I have been following two blogs lately. They are written as if they had my thoughts in their minds while writing. Its amazing how people can bond with someone they have never met. God gave me my story as well as theirs, although they seem the same, there are different situations.
If you want to check them out, I'm attaching the links. The first link I am sending you to is the first thing I read on her blog and I was immediately hooked. She put words in my mouth that day that I haven't known how to express and she does it beautifully.
http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html

The second link is a mother who inspired me to find ways to heal but still grieve. I am participating in her October 31 day photo challenge.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/