Speaking about Lawson

So I was asked to speak at a women's conference in May and I thought I'd share the testimony that I did.....
 

In Jeremiah 1: 4-9,

4 The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

⁵ “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

⁶ “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

⁷ But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. ⁸ Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

⁹ Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth.   

 

I’ll start with telling you a little about me. I am 26. I grew up not far from here towards Huntsville/Gurley area.  My parents raised me in church and encouraged me to participate and I stayed pretty active in church activities all throughout my childhood into teenage years. I felt like I had a pretty good relationship with God as I’ve grown up. I went to a small school where we were pretty much all involved in church and unafraid to express our faith because we all knew each other so much, it was hard to not know something about each other.  I didn’t have a whole lot of “trying” times during my childhood and only a few as I was in my teenage years. I’m just like all of you, I had and have everyday struggles in my faith and have fallen short plenty of times. I know you guys don’t want hear my whole life story because that would be pretty boring. So I’ve given you a little of the backstory but for the most part, as far as testing my faith, I hadn’t gone through a whole lot of struggles. 

I am a wife and a mother. My husband, Billy Prince and I have been married for almost 6 years and I have a very active and stubborn 6 year old little boy named Landon. My husband and I had a few early rough years of marriage trying to juggle one income, me still being in school, having a small child. Just in the last couple years of our life as a young family, we have withstood some very trying times in our lives.

We began talking of wanting another child when Landon was about 2, and for months and months it just wasn’t happening. I started seeing my OBGYN doctor for problems with my cycles and such. After a year and a half of trying, we started on a round of fertility medicine called Clomid. Miracles happen, because within a month on Clomid I was pregnant. I was so nervous, especially during the first couple months, with my background in healthcare (I do ultrasound), I had heard and studied almost every kind of abnormality in pregnancies that could happen and let me assure you that knowledge can be super scary. I prayed and prayed for a healthy baby all through those months, all my time driving back and forth to work was me crying out to God about my fears and asking for His peace. As the pregnancy progressed I began to feel more comfortable that God was going to give us a healthy child. All the ultrasounds had been normal and no other problems. Around my 6^th month I started feeling pretty bad, that was around the holidays because the baby was due at the end of February.  I had started telling my husband that things just didn’t feel right and I didn’t have the peace that this pregnancy was ok. I struggled through the holidays and had my parents stay with me a couple times while Billy was away for work. I started back to a normal routine at work once the holidays were over but I still didn’t feel good. I just kept telling myself it was part of the pregnancy, and I just had a few more months. I could do this! I had a few abnormal liver tests and such as I progressed but I was assured that it would have no effect on the baby and that they were going to monitor me closely. Finally on January 7, I went in to work like any other day and I just couldn’t clear my head and felt dizzy. I went over and had the nurse take my blood pressure and it was super high. I called my doctor’s office and she wanted me to go to the hospital to be monitored. They put me on the monitors and not long after my doctor came in to tell me that she wasn’t too happy with the way he was reacting so she was going to keep me overnight and I would be on bed rest from here on out. She had ordered an ultrasound so that she could get a better picture of what we were dealing with. The ultrasound was done within about 20 minutes and everything from there was almost a blur. The ultrasound showed fluid on the belly and brain and the baby didn’t look good at all. My doctor explained that they needed to deliver the baby now so that the doctors could look at him and figure out what needed to be done. I was crying hysterically, of course, because it was all so sudden and I was only 33 weeks so I knew that we were taking a huge risk. My husband wasn’t there and everything was not going like I planned. But on that same day January 7, 2013 Lawson Drake Prince was delivered within a few hours of me being there, and they knew as soon as he was out that things did not look good. He weighed 5 lbs but he was very sick and they weren’t very certain what all was going on. Let me just tell you that the worst fear of being a mother had come true, my child was sick and close to dying and I couldn’t control it or help him. It’s the most heartbreaking moment I’ve ever felt.

So many questions and no answers, it was literally all in God’s hands because we can only do so much and our human efforts weren’t helping him. Throughout the next few hours, I kept a sort of denial that he would die. I just knew that this couldn’t happen. I can’t really explain except that my brain was in kind of a fog. Like I was standing back watching someone else go through this. As I came up from recovery after the c-section, I was rolled in and got to hold his hand. (That’s the picture that you see.)I spent a few minutes with him, but then we were sent to a room to get settled. But it wasn’t long before we were called back to the NICU. When we arrived, I just stared at this baby that couldn’t give anymore and I just cried and cried. His little body just didn’t have any more power and God took him. In those moments, I didn’t cry out to Him. I was too upset and in that fog that nothing made sense in the world. I wasn’t real in my mind in those few hours. Maybe he gives us those coping mechanisms just to get through. There is so much uncertainty and in that time there are so many things that parents never want to think about. We didn’t even know that he was going to be a boy until right before he was born, so his boy name had just been on the backburner so to speak. We had decided on a girl name for sure, because that’s what our 20 week ultrasound told us.(we even had all baby girl clothes picked out and her bedding was purple gray and yellow) So we luckily had a name already picked and decided God had given us the name Lawson for a reason so it was the only choice. (by the way that’s my maiden name) 

There are a lot of emotions that I went through just in the few short days that I had to remain in the hospital. The worst memories are of course the prominent ones because of my exhausted emotional state. Particularly when you are on the maternity floor after your child has died, the nurses and staff are used to congratulating parents on their newborn, however, with my situation it’s not such a happy situation. There were instances such as the nurses bringing by our menu for the “congratulatory” dinner they provide and having to explain we didn’t want it. There were doctors that came in to check in on me that had not read the fetal demise sign on the door nor my chart and said things such as with your new baby, you will be a little stressed but try to take care of yourself also. Finally I broke down at the last doctor and said “well, my baby died.”

While we were still in the hospital the day after Lawson died I just broke down and sobbed because I wanted to be the one that had been taken so that he had a chance at life. I remember my mother saying to me that I was her baby and that she didn’t want me to be taken just as much as I hadn’t wanted Lawson to die. There was so much anger, so much fear, and so many emotions in such a small span of time. You have to learn to be a whole new person in a matter of seconds. You have to explain to people that don’t know what happened. And then there’s the awkward silence or the odd comment from them. Lots of times people want to be sympathetic and say things like “well God has a reason for everything.” That’s not exactly something I wanted to hear at all. (its hard to come up with anything in my book that is ok to say, harsh I know but there really are no words) Even as you leave that place where your child died, you feel like you are losing control because you aren’t supposed to be getting in that car without your baby. You have to go back to a house that has all the baby things you’ve bought and it hits you that the last time you were here, he was still alive. And eventually that house will get empty of visitors and you have to sit in the silence of a house that isn’t supposed to be silent or sad. Billy and I had to try and think of a way to explain it to Landon without scaring him. There were several times when Billy and I needed some quiet time to grieve, but life didn’t slow down with an active 4 year old. He was still asking about his “sister” and acting really confused about our answers. Billy is a very quiet guy and he tends to hold his feelings in. So I had to try and find a way to still be a mom and wife and comfort them but I couldn’t even figure out how to get through a moment without wanting to break down, much less take care of someone else. 

 The nightmare kept going, it seemed because then came the worst decisions: where do we bury him, where will the funeral be, what kind of casket do you want, what kind of headstone will portray him the best…oh those were some of the most awful decisions I’ve had to make. You forced to make all these decisions while you are still trying to cling to and grasp what has gone on.

 I believe God still stood there with me, as I lost my son, as I was upset, as we went through the funeral and buried him, as I had such a disbelief that I couldn’t comprehend it all, He stood right there and did what He does best. He was with me, when it seemed no one was. Because I can tell you that it wasn’t me getting around, it was Him carrying me.

Dealing with a child’s death is one of the worst things we can experience in my opinion. I believe God gives us that unconditional love and natural protection for our children that’s completely different than the love of our spouse or other family. I think that’s the closest thing on earth to His love for us. So after Lawson died and the funeral was over, I was devastated and I remember laying in the bed and just crying out to Him and being so mad at Him. Why did you give me this child to take him from me, why me, why him, why when we’ve tried so hard do you give these other people no problems conceiving and they don’t care for their children…..any “why” you can come up with, I probably yelled at Him. In Psalm 6:6-7, it says,  “I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.⁷ My eyes grow weak with sorrow;  they fail because of all my foes.” That’s exactly how I felt. I was worn out from this suffering and it took me a long time to want to praise the One who gave me Lawson, and the One I felt like allowed him to be taken from me. I was upset, angry, sad, the list could go on and on. One of my favorite songs that I refer to over and over is “I will carry you” by Selah. The lyrics go

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

God uses His ways to do things, sure He could have come in and healed Lawson or He could have kept me from getting that virus all together, but His way isn’t our way. Ecclesiastes 11:5 As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.  

When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, he didn’t do it when Mary and Martha and the others were expecting him too, He did it in His time because it required more belief in the awesome power of God. Maybe that was God’s plan for Lawson and I, losing him was my way to rely solely on God and allow Him to show me the way and teach others through my experiences. He knew that I would fall, that I would be mad at Him. And He lets us be, He understand our pain. He lets us come to Him. He lets us literally “heave” all those problems on Him and you know what, He gladly accepts them because that means we are calling on Him. I could have kept all that bitterness and anger but slowly, and I mean it took a lot of time and definitely wasn’t easy, I started looking at the good things that He was in all along the way. For example, He allowed my mom and sister to be there at the hospital that day so I wasn’t physically alone, He gave me and my husband time to see our child, He didn’t allow me as an ultrasound tech to find my baby’s heart not beating…the list goes on. To me, my struggles were the worst, and I found myself upset that other people were mourning this or that when I had lost a child and in my mind nothing could compare to that. But to God, our struggles are all equal to Him. Just like a good parent, God hates our suffering. We don’t like to see our own children hurt or suffer and neither does He! How awesome is it to know that our God is so powerful that He can know every emotion we have and every trial that He will walk through with us and yet He still pours out all His love on us…who are we to deserve such love and understanding? After all, Lawson was never really mine at all, for everything that is, is His. The bible says it numerous times,

The world is mine, and all that is in it. Psalm 50:12

For everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. 1 Chronicles 29:11

 I have the faith in my God that I will get to see Lawson again. He just allowed me to have Lawson the small time that I did and I am thankful for each and every moment.

Even now, as I feel like I’ve sorted out the emotions and feel like I’m in a better place with my relationship with God, I still have struggles everyday with those upset feelings trying to take over. We are still suffering from infertility and it has not been an easy journey. However, it is so easy to let the devil come in and steal your joy of today. “Lord, if you wanted me to have more children, you would let it happen” and “are you trying to tell me something by taking our second child”….doubts and questions like this don’t get me any closer with my trust in God. There are many people in the Bible who experienced the things we experience. Hannah suffered for a long time with infertility. She cried out to God and He finally granted her a son. Now I won’t say that God gives every person a child, because He doesn’t. That’s another area in our lives that we do not know God’s exact plans for us. As you can see all through my talk here that I certainly don’t pretend to know God’s plans for the events in my life especially. Sarah also suffered from infertility and Abraham had been told that he would be the father of many nations so Sarah got impatient and offered the servant to him. It resulted in heartache for her as she endured her husband having a child with another woman. She didn’t wait on God’s timing and tried to take matters into her own hands, isn’t that so like us? I know I do that!

We have expectations and although we know He is God, we are still hurt when we feel like he hasn’t met the request like we want.  It’s sometimes hard to pray for His will to be done because we all know that sometimes the Lord’s way isn’t our way and really there are blessings in that. He knows far more about our lives and the way they will play out than we do.

I’m sure you have had your fair share of hurt and times when you are upset with God, but know that he sees us in our grief and hurt. After all, even Jesus wept while He was here on Earth.  There may not be answers to the things you or I struggle with. I believe that He is an almighty God and He can do things that are unimaginable but He doesn’t always answer things the way we want. So the belief that needs to stand firm is that when the things don’t turn out good or how we planned, that one day it will be perfect. And I pray for the promise of that perfect eternity to be etched into our hearts and minds so that we may go on. A quote from Angie Smith’s book “I Will Carry You”, When the wind blows through my soul and tempts me to despair over the lot I have been given, I cling to the truth that the Lord has something better for me. It won’t always be like this. You will know Him fully one day and all the hurts that consume you in this moment will vanish and be forgotten.”- Angie Smith 

A friend of mine told me to look up verses that coincide with days of importance to me and see if a scripture fits that day, so it peaked my interest and I looked and found 2^nd Corinthians 1:7,

And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. I sat and thought about that verse and I knew it went perfectly with his birth and that time in my life, because he shared that suffering with me and He also shared in the comfort that eventually came and still to this day is sharing in all of it.

The bottom line of all that I have shared with you today and I hope that you remember and take away with you is that we are not alone. He walks with us and stands by us when no one else does. He understands more about you than you do. I wasn’t alone in the delivery room, wasn’t alone as I watched the breath leave him, wasn’t alone when I cried tears that I thought would never stop, wasn’t alone when I felt as if my heart was literally going to break free of my chest…I’m not alone now as I think every moment of another positive pregnancy test, as I think about all the love that I have left to give another child…   as I go through every awful and joyful moment of this journey He stands right there. He knows every inch of my journey (my emotions, my struggles, my strengths, everything) because He made me.

 

The two years and the struggle

Well its been quite a while since I updated the blog. A lot has changed for our family and extended family in just a short time. I won't go in to all the specifics but God has had a way of showing me just how precious time is and how fast time with the ones you love and cherish can slip away faster than you can blink. We have been through a lot in just a few short months but God has pulled us through (literally may have pulled me at times). I admire the strength He's given me to step forward each day and choose to go on. He has given so many others that same strength, they just may not realize its Him.
My husband and I had some conversations about grief and the way people handle things. God gave us each a special heart and mind so that we would and could use them in the ways that we choose.
Our fertility problems have not gotten any better and this February will be a month that I've been going to a fertility doctor for these issues and unfortunately God has not chosen for it to be our time. There are so many mixed emotions about this for me, as with most people. I know that God allowed me to become pregnant with two beautiful boys and one was taken from us here, but I get so angry sometimes that I don't understand His plan. I may never know His plan and some days I accept that and it feels right in my heart and other days I feel furious that I don't have a reason. God knows the plans He has for me and most days that's comforting to know that He is in control and not me, and other days I cry out to help to give me peace. Secondary infertility is something a lot of people don't understand. They don't understand how I can get pregnant once or twice and not get pregnant again whenever I want to. Its hard to explain but sometimes my body won't do what other women's bodies do without them even knowing it. I have made a choice to go forward from here and eat healthier and make better choices for my body this new year. It may not help but it can't hurt me. I want to know that I'm doing all I can to get in the right place to carry a healthy baby if God chooses to bless us again.
Happy New Year to everyone and I hope that each of you are blessed this year.

Well the day came...

The day I've been worrying about came and went. The day my oldest baby started kindergarten. It makes me sad that he doesn't seem so little anymore, but I was and am so proud of the way he seems to be embracing school. He's pretty much a quiet kid and I was a little worried with him not knowing anyone and being scared, but he seems to be adapting without a problem. Children seem to have a knack for fitting in and going with the change better than adults.
 I did good and didn't cry until I got about halfway to work. Then I broke down and had a good cry thinking of all that Landon will be learning and seeing and that I will never get that "first day" with Lawson.  No first giggle, no first steps, no first words, no first day of school and that breaks my heart. Billy made the point that Lawson had his first day in Heaven and that it had been so much better. Which is so true, but as a mother I wanted those pictures of him and those sweet hugs as we left him to start his first big adventures. I will miss out on all those firsts that he would have had if he was here with us. I miss him terribly and will always wonder what he would have been.

Lots of things about him and our situation have been constantly on my mind lately and I'm not sure why. I'm sure its the stress of all these changes and fertility treatments, and Billy being back on the road traveling. It doesn't make it easier, that's for sure. Its been a constant battle lately of trusting God and wanting to give up. Have to keep in mind that I may not understand His will but I need to accept it because He knows more than I do.

That all familiar feeling

Last night my husband and I sat and watched the new lifetime movie "Return to Zero". I had heard about it through various sites that I follow on Facebook that deal with infant death. I knew that I wanted to see if this movie would quite portray the way it feels to have something so precious taken from you. I was surprised at the reality of the emotions, and the way it showed the overwhelming way that it becomes a part of every aspect of your life. That baby and those feelings are a part of you for the rest of your life! There is no escaping the way that it tugs at your heart when you see things that remind you of him or when its quite and all you can think about is that baby. Of course, because its a movie, some odd things take place that had nothing to do with most people's journeys. But overall the film made me laugh and it made me cry. I remembered feeling like I was mad, sad, confused, and overwhelmed all at the same time. I remember crying and wanting to scream because there was no other way for my body to let out all those emotions. It physically hurt for so long. Yes, physically, I didn't even know that was possible. I felt like my heart was ripping open. And still I know that my heart will always have a piece missing. I still feel him everyday and think about him almost constantly. The what-ifs play in my head all the time, even though now I can calm them a little. No one knows what to do when you have to bury your child before you even get to think fully about their life. One of the things that they ask you in the hospital is arrangements for your child. I don't know a single parent that has decided what they will do when they bury a child. Where do you want him buried, is he to be cremated or buried....all the questions and you want to do nothing but scream at them to just let you have time. But time isn't what you get when this happens to you. Time is stolen. There is no time allowed to spend admiring each part of that little being, or time to watch them grow. It all happens so swiftly and time is not your friend.
People say that I've been strong and really no one sees the parts of you that fall apart and will never be put back together. Everyone will handle their emotions differently and for a while I felt as if I might not come out a better person. I still know that I am a little more bitter than I thought, but that's a part of me now too. I knew that going on through life was my only choice and I had to accept that as a mom that lost her child, I will NEVER be the same and that's okay.
 Towards the end of the movie, the mother of the stillborn baby says, "The thing that no one tells you about is the relationship that begins after they die." ......Oh how true! You have a connection and love with that child that no one else will know. They can't see it because he isn't here physically, but its like your child is still a part of your body and your whole being. It takes a place in each part of your life.

 

 

Days

Days have come and days have gone...though the days don't ever feel the same to me. I am healing in ways and only by God's grace but honestly the pressure society puts on parents to just get over their children they've lost is ludicrous. I miss and think of him in everything I do. I think of him when I'm alone, I think of him when I'm with many people and watching them with their children, I think of what we would be doing if he were here, how each thing we did would be different in some small way. He fills my thoughts. I think of him as we go through our fertility problems and how I would have a little more peace if he were here. I think that I was at the lowest point this time last year and God showed me how to pull myself up. I've come a really long way since the days of thinking that my heart was literally breaking in my chest. That's what it feels like to lose a child to me. Imagine the worst emotions you could ever have and they are uncontrollable. So uncontrollable that they make you physically hurt as well. They make you feel like your heart is being ripped out and doesn't know how to beat. I still remember laying in my bed and crying and crying and thinking that I may not live through the pain. 

God has another plan for me, I hope but I don't know quite what it is yet. I don't know why we were chosen for this path or the path that He's leading us on now. I just need his guidance. 

As I was writing this a scripture popped into my head so I will share it.  

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

                           Matthew 11:28

Feelings at Christmas

Let me just begin to share my feelings since I haven’t in a while. This might be a long one!

I am not crying daily like I used to, but I still miss him EVERY SINGLE moment.

I still wish things had been different, that he was here with his older brother and cousins running around and just being a child.

Here smiling and laughing, even crying and getting upset. Because that would mean he was HERE.

But he’s not and that’s something I still have trouble with on a daily basis. I still, and always will, have that gut wrenching heartbreaking moment when I see or do something that would have been better if he was here.

It’s Christmas time as everyone knows, and I’ve always loved Christmas and everything about it: Jesus, decorating, presents, lights, and family. I even don’t mid the cold because I get to snuggle up with family and be warm. But this year I don’t look at any of these moments the same. Decorating the outside of my house was extra special this year because my husband and I wanted it to look extra special for Lawson looking down. Silly as it may seem, Billy and I discussed how he would probably think just like Landon and I and love love love lights and decorations. So for the first Christmas since Billy and I have been together, he actually said he wanted to do lights on the house because that was his way of doing something for Lawson this year! He wanted him to see it from Heaven. I was so excited! He still is a great dad even to the one who doesn’t get to spend Christmas with us physically!

Christmas is also different because all of our family moments will be minus one instead of plus one. His presence is felt but not seen, but oh how I wish he were there physically. I want to see his face light up with excitement for the moments of surprise with gifts and for the moments he gets to see family. I have to miss all that and I hate it!

Landon still seems confused that baby brother didn’t come home with us. He does like to visit brother’s grave. One day I think he understands as much as a four year old can, but the next day he may be asking questions again. I know in a child’s mind it is hard to understand why your cousins “baby brothers” came home and your baby brother is not home with you. I know time will help his understanding. I will still share Lawson with him in any way I can. He just has a tender heart and loves to be around younger children, so I have no doubt that he will be a GREAT big brother when he finally gets to bring a baby brother/sister home (if God has that plan for us).

I get sad thinking of what all I envisioned this Christmas to be like last year. I thought we would have a nine-month-old baby and a four year old and be a family of four. I looked forward to that change in our little family. I was very pregnant this time last year and it was close to when all the problems started. I get scared thinking of what took place this time last year and wish that I could have changed it somehow, but that’s not reality. I’m human and I’m not meant to be able to prevent things that are God’s will. That doesn’t change the uncertainty of life and each moment. I think about life in a much more fragile way now.

I have tended to make myself busy lately so that I don’t feel alone, and it has been harder with Billy back on the road traveling with work. It makes the house quieter, and its like a void is constantly there. We are minus two in our small household. Landon and I hold the fort down, believe me, but its just so lonely at times to come home and Landon has no brother to play with and my husband/his daddy is gone. Billy wants to be home with us as much as we want him to be. But things are just unpredictable right now.

Honestly, I will tell you that ever since this time last year I have felt uncertainty almost everyday of my life because I feel like this year has thrown so many things at our family that I did not expect. I didn’t think we would lose our child, or that Billy would have to go work outside our town again. There have been many moments I’ve gotten down and just cried out that I need a break, I need some peace that only He can provide, something to reassure me that above all else, He will pull through for me and for my family. That one day he will perform a miracle and I will have peace here.

I also have gotten really nervous about this time coming up again too, because Billy and I can try for another child now with my OBGYN’s permission. It is now considered safe for my body to be able to carry a child again. Why do you think I’m nervous? Sure there are many reasons. One I’m sure you know, is that its going to be hard going through a pregnancy and not being terrified of each thing that happens that something is wrong. I’ve pretty much accepted I will not be “okay” until my baby is born and is safely in my arms (and even then I will probably be a tad worried). But any parent that has lost a child has those feelings. No, my main concern that I pray to God about often is being able to conceive. Billy and I tried for a year and a half before Lawson was conceived, and he was only conceived because I went on a medication to help. I know that since Lawson isn’t here I feel even more antsy to be able to have another child because we have wanted another one for so long. I know that I am blessed to have been able to carry Landon and Lawson and I will not under appreciate those moments for anything. I loved carrying my boys. I would be pregnant all the time if my body were healthy. I pray to God more and more about it as the time has drawn here that He will choose to show out and provide my boy with the things it needs to be able to conceive.

So if you are reading this and think I’m just rambling right now, maybe I am, I just wanted to share my feelings and I got stuff off my chest.

Just please cherish every moment with your children while they are little and the fact that they were born and are here to be a part of your life. That you get to see their happy excited faces on Christmas because some of us don’t get that opportunity. And while you are at it, pray for me and my family, that we will have peace with the days of Christmas approaching and the emotions it brings. And that if it is God’s will that we will have the opportunity to bring home another child one day soon.  

Bad Day?

I have these kind of days SO OFTEN!!!
Facets of Life...: Bad day?: Follow me on this one...  and please take no offense, this is just a reflective expression of my words ... just food for thought. There ar...