Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Hope...what strong word that holds so much meaning.
We announced we were pregnant once again after our miscarriage in November. Baby boy is due in October 2017! Man, what emotions it brought to me to try and decide when to announce that. You may think I'm crazy because hello, I've shared everything else. But it just comes with such caution the more Billy and I have endured with this whole process. Caution isn't bad but there were times I was at a loss of words because of the fear I had allowed to build up. Instead of handing it all over to Him, I had taken it upon myself to shoulder all of my emotions and trying to wade through them. I had prayed and prayed for another opportunity to be a mother and yet here I was being so scared and literally feeling like I was shielding my eyes from looking up because I was so scared that this big lighting bolt was going to come down and strike us. Have you ever felt that way? That maybe you feel like you're walking around trying to avoid getting hit by something miserable again. Billy and I felt that way in many areas of our life in the last few years. Trials have come our way all along and trials don't discriminate as they hit everyone no matter who you are. I had a person tell me this year that the tragedies in our family keep piling up and that they just don't understand. Can I say I understand? Nope, I sure can't. Do I think God works everything out for the good of those who love Him? Yep, I sure do. Does it mean its easy to stomach some of the things that have happened? Nope, but I do have hope still.
Here we are...hoping! Hoping for a chance to get to hold this baby boy in another 5 months. Hoping for a new opportunity to be a family with a new healthy little one. Hoping that the things we have endured through everything that He is building us up to do great things for Him.
Please pray with us that if it's God's will, that this baby will be born in October and we can raise him up to be a soldier for Christ. Especially after the battle we went through to have him here, I want God to use him in might ways.
Monday, November 12, 2018
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Miscarriage
As you all know we've been battling this infertility thing for years and we had our first embryo implantation on September 24. We became pregnant with Baby P as we nicknamed it. Things were progressing and we began planning and hoping and loving this baby. Foolish, maybe but I had already started clothes shopping and coming up with ideas for the nursery and buying diapers. I'm cautious, probably more than I should be, but it's just all the experience that comes with infertility. I let myself do these things because we wanted this baby and I just couldn't not get excited! I was so scared but so excited! We only told close family as part of our cautiousness. We didn't even talk with Landon yet. We wanted things to progress before confusing him with any more hard things than he's had to endure in his short years.
Well thankfully I used my instincts and aired on the side of caution!
We started ultrasounds with our fertility doctor at 6 weeks and everything looked great!
Then 7 weeks came and went and still looking great, then 8 weeks.
On Friday November the 4, we have the last ultrasound with our fertility doctor's office and we are so excited to be being released to our regular OB and to really get the pregnancy process with her started. So on Wednesday, November the 9th I went in to have my first OB appointment....my mom went with me. We had an ultrasound scheduled first and the techs found no heartbeat. I do ultrasound for a living and I knew before they said anything that I had seen no flickering of the heart and I was already trying to process it in my mind. Once she finally said it out loud, I couldn't wrap my brain around it.
"Why, why, why is this happening?"- that's all my brain could process and think. All that comfort and hope and happiness just fell right there in that room. I've never had a miscarriage and I wasn't bleeding and I wasn't hurting and yet our baby who was growing so wonderfully with such a strong heartbeat just days before was dead. No little flickering heartbeat, no life left. It was devastating! Then I had to make the call to my husband, who bless his heart just tried to comfort me....and still is.
Y'all I thought we walked through fire with Lawson and we did and yet here we are walking through it again. Why, that's one question I would love to have answered. What good comes from having life ripped from you after you've waited and prayed and hoped? I'm honestly not sure and I may never know.
We scheduled a d&c procedure due to me being about 9 weeks and it being a lot of tissue for my body to pass on it's own per doctor's recommendation. So on Friday, November the 11th I walked into the Women's and Children's hospital where I should only have been 7 months from now to deliver a baby, and now I'm walking in there way too early and to lose that baby that we prayed for. It's not something I ever wanted to do and pray I never have to do again.
So many emotions in so few time! I was pregnant and after one procedure that baby is gone. And right now with it, the dreams we had for it. I hated the thought of losing it without making sure one more time that a miracle hadn't happened since just two days before and maybe it's heart had started beating again, so they let us go to ultrasound once again so we would feel more at ease. It was not to be, still no heart beat. We had the procedure done and I wasn't pregnant anymore.
I probably seem so medical and I don't mean too, but to explain the emotions of it all, well there really are no words to quite describe it. It's heartbreaking, literally!
I'm sorry if this is all so dreadful to read but I've always been real and right now I don't have a whole lot to give.
Do I have faith that God had a purpose and plan for the things we've endured? I do, what else can I hope in if I don't trust in that
Do I have faith that God isn't just "punishing me"? I do but it's hard at times to not blame myself nor wonder
Did I ever think I would be in a devastating place such as this ever again? I had prayed not but my plans are not His
Guys,
I'm in love with God and nothing changes that but when you are at rock bottom is when He's carrying you and right now I need Him only to carry me because I have nothing of my own.
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." - Psalm 46:1
Well thankfully I used my instincts and aired on the side of caution!
We started ultrasounds with our fertility doctor at 6 weeks and everything looked great!
Then 7 weeks came and went and still looking great, then 8 weeks.
On Friday November the 4, we have the last ultrasound with our fertility doctor's office and we are so excited to be being released to our regular OB and to really get the pregnancy process with her started. So on Wednesday, November the 9th I went in to have my first OB appointment....my mom went with me. We had an ultrasound scheduled first and the techs found no heartbeat. I do ultrasound for a living and I knew before they said anything that I had seen no flickering of the heart and I was already trying to process it in my mind. Once she finally said it out loud, I couldn't wrap my brain around it.
"Why, why, why is this happening?"- that's all my brain could process and think. All that comfort and hope and happiness just fell right there in that room. I've never had a miscarriage and I wasn't bleeding and I wasn't hurting and yet our baby who was growing so wonderfully with such a strong heartbeat just days before was dead. No little flickering heartbeat, no life left. It was devastating! Then I had to make the call to my husband, who bless his heart just tried to comfort me....and still is.
Y'all I thought we walked through fire with Lawson and we did and yet here we are walking through it again. Why, that's one question I would love to have answered. What good comes from having life ripped from you after you've waited and prayed and hoped? I'm honestly not sure and I may never know.
We scheduled a d&c procedure due to me being about 9 weeks and it being a lot of tissue for my body to pass on it's own per doctor's recommendation. So on Friday, November the 11th I walked into the Women's and Children's hospital where I should only have been 7 months from now to deliver a baby, and now I'm walking in there way too early and to lose that baby that we prayed for. It's not something I ever wanted to do and pray I never have to do again.
So many emotions in so few time! I was pregnant and after one procedure that baby is gone. And right now with it, the dreams we had for it. I hated the thought of losing it without making sure one more time that a miracle hadn't happened since just two days before and maybe it's heart had started beating again, so they let us go to ultrasound once again so we would feel more at ease. It was not to be, still no heart beat. We had the procedure done and I wasn't pregnant anymore.
I probably seem so medical and I don't mean too, but to explain the emotions of it all, well there really are no words to quite describe it. It's heartbreaking, literally!
I'm sorry if this is all so dreadful to read but I've always been real and right now I don't have a whole lot to give.
Do I have faith that God had a purpose and plan for the things we've endured? I do, what else can I hope in if I don't trust in that
Do I have faith that God isn't just "punishing me"? I do but it's hard at times to not blame myself nor wonder
Did I ever think I would be in a devastating place such as this ever again? I had prayed not but my plans are not His
Guys,
I'm in love with God and nothing changes that but when you are at rock bottom is when He's carrying you and right now I need Him only to carry me because I have nothing of my own.
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." - Psalm 46:1
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11 |
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
She laughed....
SO SHE LAUGHED SILENTLY TO HERSELF..... Genesis 18:12
(If you have never read Sarah's story about being barren and God saying he would provide them a child, go and read Sarah and Abraham's story in Genesis.)
I always think that I am so bad for having any doubts or letting my doubts creep in and steal my joy. I wish that I were perfect or that I could say that I never doubt in the plan that's laid out in front of me. I let doubt and worry creep in, I try so hard not to but it happens.
So when I read verses like part of the one above...Sarah laughed, let me just say that again, she laughed.....she laughed at the fact that GOD told them that he would provide them a child, even in their old age. If Sarah can laugh at God telling them that specifically, then she must be human just like me and fall short just like me. Wow, someone God saw fit for her story to be shared in the Bible has similarities with me. She was in doubt of His plan. But he blessed her anyways. He did provide them a child, not because she deserved it but because that child would fulfill a part of God's plan. Its all really about the glory to the one true God. (Really God uses the imperfect every single day: thieves, tax collectors, adulterers, etc; cause we all fall short, but its nice to notice similarities there especially when you are in need of some extra reassurance)
I am not perfect and God knows that. He knows every single thing about our being and the emotions that we go through. He knows we may think His plan is ridiculous or crazy in our human eyes, but He sees it through His eyes, and I am thankful.
This morning I had all those worrisome thoughts creeping about all that could go wrong with the IVF. I'm telling ya'll my mind will probably think of the most bizarre things that can happen and make myself just believe it will happen to us. I know part of that is all that went on with Lawson and his pregnancy. I mean you pick some random infection, and bam I end up with it. Most everybody I know had never even heard of the infection that killed Lawson. So excuse me while I think to myself, "don't ever tell me something is rare and not gonna happen". And excuse my little word rambling there, ;) I know my weaknesses, ya'll and am not afraid to admit them, because we all have them and God will provide levelness to my craziness.
He has opened the doors thus far with everything looking great and lining up and I can only pray that it continues to be in His plan for things to go smoothly and maybe a precious child to come out of it all. I just have to remember as bad as I want to control things, I have to remind myself He is in control and I never will be. I can have doubts but he will provide what He sees fit. Prayers still needed in a big way!
Update on the process of IVF (not my emotions):
-Started taking shots in my belly on the 21st of June to slow my ovaries from ovulating on their own(Lupron). No crazy side effects from that medicine.
- Had injection training with the nurse to learn about all the medicines.
- Started my ovarian stimulation injectable medicines (Gonal-F, Menopur) on Monday July 4th...I was pretty emotional about starting these cause that means we are actually in the process now.
- I will now be going every few days for labs/ultrasounds to see how my ovaries are reacting to the medicines. Hoping and praying for good progress each time!
(If you have never read Sarah's story about being barren and God saying he would provide them a child, go and read Sarah and Abraham's story in Genesis.)
I always think that I am so bad for having any doubts or letting my doubts creep in and steal my joy. I wish that I were perfect or that I could say that I never doubt in the plan that's laid out in front of me. I let doubt and worry creep in, I try so hard not to but it happens.
So when I read verses like part of the one above...Sarah laughed, let me just say that again, she laughed.....she laughed at the fact that GOD told them that he would provide them a child, even in their old age. If Sarah can laugh at God telling them that specifically, then she must be human just like me and fall short just like me. Wow, someone God saw fit for her story to be shared in the Bible has similarities with me. She was in doubt of His plan. But he blessed her anyways. He did provide them a child, not because she deserved it but because that child would fulfill a part of God's plan. Its all really about the glory to the one true God. (Really God uses the imperfect every single day: thieves, tax collectors, adulterers, etc; cause we all fall short, but its nice to notice similarities there especially when you are in need of some extra reassurance)
I am not perfect and God knows that. He knows every single thing about our being and the emotions that we go through. He knows we may think His plan is ridiculous or crazy in our human eyes, but He sees it through His eyes, and I am thankful.
This morning I had all those worrisome thoughts creeping about all that could go wrong with the IVF. I'm telling ya'll my mind will probably think of the most bizarre things that can happen and make myself just believe it will happen to us. I know part of that is all that went on with Lawson and his pregnancy. I mean you pick some random infection, and bam I end up with it. Most everybody I know had never even heard of the infection that killed Lawson. So excuse me while I think to myself, "don't ever tell me something is rare and not gonna happen". And excuse my little word rambling there, ;) I know my weaknesses, ya'll and am not afraid to admit them, because we all have them and God will provide levelness to my craziness.
He has opened the doors thus far with everything looking great and lining up and I can only pray that it continues to be in His plan for things to go smoothly and maybe a precious child to come out of it all. I just have to remember as bad as I want to control things, I have to remind myself He is in control and I never will be. I can have doubts but he will provide what He sees fit. Prayers still needed in a big way!
Update on the process of IVF (not my emotions):
-Started taking shots in my belly on the 21st of June to slow my ovaries from ovulating on their own(Lupron). No crazy side effects from that medicine.
- Had injection training with the nurse to learn about all the medicines.
- Started my ovarian stimulation injectable medicines (Gonal-F, Menopur) on Monday July 4th...I was pretty emotional about starting these cause that means we are actually in the process now.
- I will now be going every few days for labs/ultrasounds to see how my ovaries are reacting to the medicines. Hoping and praying for good progress each time!
Thursday, June 9, 2016
New journey....insert drumroll
Soooooo....
Here it goes! After trying for over three years to get pregnant after we lost Lawson (not counting the 2 years it took us to get pregnant with him)....we have
- PRAYED
- talked over all details
- went over the whatifs and whatnots
- pretty much exhausted all other fertility options over the years
- taken time off over the months to relax ourselves
- done pretty much everything else you can think of ;)
Drum roll cause here it comes....
WE ARE GIVING INVITRO FERTILIZATION (or IVF as its commonly known) A SHOT!
That seems like I'm super excited, honestly I am...and I'm not....
if you've never been there just bare with me. Like I said we have prayed and prayed and done our fair share of battling with all this. It is definitely not a decision we made overnight.
I am excited that God has provided this opportunity (financially, spiritually and physically) to go forward with something as huge as this, however there are lots of things that we've endured over this journey that cause me to be overly cautious about getting myself worked up and excited. I am anxious, nervous, excited, sad, happy...the list could go on. (Ya'll, I need prayers cause I already have all those emotions and the hormone injections are not starting till the first week of July ;0))
Lets sort through all these:
I am excited because going through all this infertility crap is AWFUL but I get the opportunity to try a method that has awesome results and a high percentage rate (YAY!)
I am excited because we are praying and praying and putting our faith in God's perfect plan.
I am excited because I may be sporting a pregnant belly again in a couple months.
I am excited because God is providing us a way to expand our family and Landon may get a brother/sister.
I am excited because I will get to snuggle a sweet baby again whether its screaming at the top of its lungs or not
I am excited cause I would get to be a momma again
and then...
I am nervous about taking all these medicines that my body may not do well with and all the side effects
I am nervous about dealing with the emotions of the negative pregnancy test if that happens.
I am nervous about feeling like I let my husband down for like the gajillionth time (he has never made me feel that way, by the way, but you know how our lady minds work ;))
I am nervous about putting myself and my emotions on display for everyone
I am nervous about FAILURE
and then....
I am sad because this is what we have to try and do
I am sad because I never saw my life taking this turn
I am sad because if Lawson had not died, would I be feeling like something was missing in our lives right now and be trying so hard to add to our family
I am sad right now because I don't know the purpose of all this and frankly I don't have too
and then...
I am hopeful because I have an almighty God that knows my plan more than I do
I am hopeful because He is the pathway to these big things that I get to experience
I am hopeful because He blesses what He favors
I am hopeful because even though I'm on this journey that I would not have picked for myself, may HE shine brighter in it
I am hopeful because I have prayed for His will to be done, and ultimately I hope this journey is the one where He blesses us with another child
I am hopeful because HE is our God who is capable of all things and no matter what doctors come up with what procedures, HE is in control!
I really struggled with whether to share this journey or not but I know several have been praying for us already and I wanted to update you on things. I'm also telling you guys all this because some of you share this journey or a similar one, or maybe you don't but can relate to some of the things I'm saying....anyways I have felt led in the last couple days to just put it out there and ask for all the prayer warriors I can get.
So please pray for us!
That it will be a successful journey all the way through to the end pregnancy result
That it will be a learning experience for our family
That it will be helpful to someone I'm sharing it with
That it will be what God's plan has been about all along
That if it's God's will and He sees fit, He will expand our family
P.S. I am gonna try and share some of the journey throughout, but can't guarantee anything at this point. We will officially start the process in July so definitely be in prayer during that time!
Here it goes! After trying for over three years to get pregnant after we lost Lawson (not counting the 2 years it took us to get pregnant with him)....we have
- PRAYED
- talked over all details
- went over the whatifs and whatnots
- pretty much exhausted all other fertility options over the years
- taken time off over the months to relax ourselves
- done pretty much everything else you can think of ;)
Drum roll cause here it comes....
WE ARE GIVING INVITRO FERTILIZATION (or IVF as its commonly known) A SHOT!
That seems like I'm super excited, honestly I am...and I'm not....
if you've never been there just bare with me. Like I said we have prayed and prayed and done our fair share of battling with all this. It is definitely not a decision we made overnight.
I am excited that God has provided this opportunity (financially, spiritually and physically) to go forward with something as huge as this, however there are lots of things that we've endured over this journey that cause me to be overly cautious about getting myself worked up and excited. I am anxious, nervous, excited, sad, happy...the list could go on. (Ya'll, I need prayers cause I already have all those emotions and the hormone injections are not starting till the first week of July ;0))
Lets sort through all these:
I am excited because going through all this infertility crap is AWFUL but I get the opportunity to try a method that has awesome results and a high percentage rate (YAY!)
I am excited because we are praying and praying and putting our faith in God's perfect plan.
I am excited because I may be sporting a pregnant belly again in a couple months.
I am excited because God is providing us a way to expand our family and Landon may get a brother/sister.
I am excited because I will get to snuggle a sweet baby again whether its screaming at the top of its lungs or not
I am excited cause I would get to be a momma again
and then...
I am nervous about taking all these medicines that my body may not do well with and all the side effects
I am nervous about dealing with the emotions of the negative pregnancy test if that happens.
I am nervous about feeling like I let my husband down for like the gajillionth time (he has never made me feel that way, by the way, but you know how our lady minds work ;))
I am nervous about putting myself and my emotions on display for everyone
I am nervous about FAILURE
and then....
I am sad because this is what we have to try and do
I am sad because I never saw my life taking this turn
I am sad because if Lawson had not died, would I be feeling like something was missing in our lives right now and be trying so hard to add to our family
I am sad right now because I don't know the purpose of all this and frankly I don't have too
and then...
I am hopeful because I have an almighty God that knows my plan more than I do
I am hopeful because He is the pathway to these big things that I get to experience
I am hopeful because He blesses what He favors
I am hopeful because even though I'm on this journey that I would not have picked for myself, may HE shine brighter in it
I am hopeful because I have prayed for His will to be done, and ultimately I hope this journey is the one where He blesses us with another child
I am hopeful because HE is our God who is capable of all things and no matter what doctors come up with what procedures, HE is in control!
I really struggled with whether to share this journey or not but I know several have been praying for us already and I wanted to update you on things. I'm also telling you guys all this because some of you share this journey or a similar one, or maybe you don't but can relate to some of the things I'm saying....anyways I have felt led in the last couple days to just put it out there and ask for all the prayer warriors I can get.
So please pray for us!
That it will be a successful journey all the way through to the end pregnancy result
That it will be a learning experience for our family
That it will be helpful to someone I'm sharing it with
That it will be what God's plan has been about all along
That if it's God's will and He sees fit, He will expand our family
P.S. I am gonna try and share some of the journey throughout, but can't guarantee anything at this point. We will officially start the process in July so definitely be in prayer during that time!
Happy Birthday
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Waiting.....
Waiting... such a small word with such weight.
I personally am not the most patient person ever, so waiting doesn't come easy for me. Waiting in a doctor's office, waiting on the day to take that next pregnancy test, waiting on dinner to cook, waiting on the next payday, waiting for marriage or to graduate college, waiting on high school to end, waiting to become an adult, waiting on the next thing in life....it seems most of the time we are waiting. Recently I've tried to pray for God to open my eyes to the things/lessons I'm supposed to learn while waiting. I need to take this waiting time to be renewed. I came to the realization that I must be needing to learn something during this waiting time in my life. Like I said, I'm not a real patient person so sometimes I allow myself to get irritated at waiting so I don't see that person next to me in the waiting room (literally and figuratively) who may just need me to offer them a smile or just say a prayer for them, after all they may have just learned they have cancer or some other scary disease. Maybe I could have said a prayer for everyone in there instead of focusing on myself. Maybe I could be just spending time with Landon or Billy while I'm waiting on dinner to cook....I'm supposed to just spend time in God's glory and soak up all I can while I'm waiting. In the small moments of waiting and the big moments of waiting for something to change in our life, I must let God renew my strength.
But those who WAIT on the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not grow faint. Isaiah 40:31
See, what we do if everything just came exactly when we wanted it and exactly how we wanted it. Life, we think, would just be peachy. But not really, we may get things that would hurt us in the long run. What we think looks good in the moment may not be all we hoped for when we actually achieve it. Ever heard the saying, "thank God for unanswered prayers". I don't think there are unanswered prayers but He does choose how He answers them. Just because you think its going unanswered may mean He is working it out in another way. In the waiting maybe God is trying to give you a new perspective and we have to look beyond ourselves to see it. With Lawson, I was waiting for God to heal him because I just knew there was no other way for it to be okay. But he did heal him, just not the way I was envisioning. He healed him by taking him to Heaven for the ultimate healing.
Have you ever doubted in the waiting and couldn't see past your own hurt/impatience? In the book of Luke (Luke 24:13-35), after Jesus rose from the dead two of his disciples were debating the happenings and talking about their doubt and Jesus caught up with them. But he did not yet reveal himself as Christ. He let them debate and offered insight, they asked him to stay with them as they reached where they were going. He then broke bread with them and revealed Himself to them.
And it happened that, while he was with them at table,
he took bread, said the blessing,
broke it, and gave it to them.
With that their eyes were opened and they recognized him,
but he vanished from their sight.
Luke 24:30-31
He knew their doubt and he chose that moment to show them he had been there all along. Isn't it crazy to think of a Savior who does nothing but try and save us from ourselves and yet we still doubt and turn away?
Then they said to each other,
“Were not our hearts burning within us
while he spoke to us on the way and opened the Scriptures to us?”
Luke 24:32
Its in those moments that we realize those little tugs to do something you're scared of doing, or while you're waiting and aren't sure what's ahead, that Jesus was there all along. Those small signs that He's waiting with you to renew you and prepare your heart for what's to come. Miracles, happenings that we cannot understand or even see occur constantly around us, both good and evil. He may not ever fully reveal the workings or He may let us see how He worked all along in every tiny detail. I believe God hides certain things from our eyes because we can not fully comprehend His ways.
Even in the waiting and hoping, He will renew us. Sure, I still don't like waiting but hopefully when I look back on this waiting I will be glad that I sought God and that I will see at least some of His work along the way.
That He will reveal himself and I'll be able to say, My Lord, My God was with me all the time.
I personally am not the most patient person ever, so waiting doesn't come easy for me. Waiting in a doctor's office, waiting on the day to take that next pregnancy test, waiting on dinner to cook, waiting on the next payday, waiting for marriage or to graduate college, waiting on high school to end, waiting to become an adult, waiting on the next thing in life....it seems most of the time we are waiting. Recently I've tried to pray for God to open my eyes to the things/lessons I'm supposed to learn while waiting. I need to take this waiting time to be renewed. I came to the realization that I must be needing to learn something during this waiting time in my life. Like I said, I'm not a real patient person so sometimes I allow myself to get irritated at waiting so I don't see that person next to me in the waiting room (literally and figuratively) who may just need me to offer them a smile or just say a prayer for them, after all they may have just learned they have cancer or some other scary disease. Maybe I could have said a prayer for everyone in there instead of focusing on myself. Maybe I could be just spending time with Landon or Billy while I'm waiting on dinner to cook....I'm supposed to just spend time in God's glory and soak up all I can while I'm waiting. In the small moments of waiting and the big moments of waiting for something to change in our life, I must let God renew my strength.
But those who WAIT on the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not grow faint. Isaiah 40:31
See, what we do if everything just came exactly when we wanted it and exactly how we wanted it. Life, we think, would just be peachy. But not really, we may get things that would hurt us in the long run. What we think looks good in the moment may not be all we hoped for when we actually achieve it. Ever heard the saying, "thank God for unanswered prayers". I don't think there are unanswered prayers but He does choose how He answers them. Just because you think its going unanswered may mean He is working it out in another way. In the waiting maybe God is trying to give you a new perspective and we have to look beyond ourselves to see it. With Lawson, I was waiting for God to heal him because I just knew there was no other way for it to be okay. But he did heal him, just not the way I was envisioning. He healed him by taking him to Heaven for the ultimate healing.
Have you ever doubted in the waiting and couldn't see past your own hurt/impatience? In the book of Luke (Luke 24:13-35), after Jesus rose from the dead two of his disciples were debating the happenings and talking about their doubt and Jesus caught up with them. But he did not yet reveal himself as Christ. He let them debate and offered insight, they asked him to stay with them as they reached where they were going. He then broke bread with them and revealed Himself to them.
And it happened that, while he was with them at table,
he took bread, said the blessing,
broke it, and gave it to them.
With that their eyes were opened and they recognized him,
but he vanished from their sight.
Luke 24:30-31
He knew their doubt and he chose that moment to show them he had been there all along. Isn't it crazy to think of a Savior who does nothing but try and save us from ourselves and yet we still doubt and turn away?
Then they said to each other,
“Were not our hearts burning within us
while he spoke to us on the way and opened the Scriptures to us?”
Luke 24:32
Its in those moments that we realize those little tugs to do something you're scared of doing, or while you're waiting and aren't sure what's ahead, that Jesus was there all along. Those small signs that He's waiting with you to renew you and prepare your heart for what's to come. Miracles, happenings that we cannot understand or even see occur constantly around us, both good and evil. He may not ever fully reveal the workings or He may let us see how He worked all along in every tiny detail. I believe God hides certain things from our eyes because we can not fully comprehend His ways.
Even in the waiting and hoping, He will renew us. Sure, I still don't like waiting but hopefully when I look back on this waiting I will be glad that I sought God and that I will see at least some of His work along the way.
That He will reveal himself and I'll be able to say, My Lord, My God was with me all the time.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Remove the thorn in my side
So I have recently finished a book by Laura Story and its called "When God Doesn't Fix It"(She also sings "Blessings", look it up if you haven't heard it). It really opened my eyes to a lot of the things we face all through our lives that we tend to push to the bottom and try to just not look at. Our trials, our pain, our hurt....its all something we have, but sometimes its just that...too painful to bring up. We have to learn to look at those trials as blessings that draw us closer to God. I know with me I focus on just coasting through life without soaking up God like I should as long as things are going great and then WHAM, something stops me in my tracks and I'm left to do nothing but fall back on my knees at God's feet. I'm not saying that I don't kneel to God during good times, but I don't tend to cry out for his guidance quite as loud as when I'm hurting. This passage (2 Corinthians 12:6-9) is what I read last night and it 'stuck' with me.
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. God tells Paul that he will not remove the thorn in Paul's side because His power is made great in weakness. WHAT?! Yep, think about telling all these people about Christ when you've had no trials.
All of us can relate more to pain than we do to everything being in good working order all the time. God takes our pain and makes it GREAT! He brings glory to Himself, yes, but he also heals us along the way if we lay it all at his feet. We seem to want everyone to think we have it all together but sometimes (most of the time), you can really help others by putting your story out there because somehow/somewhere, even if you never know it, someone will hear it that needed it. I have never felt closer to people that have seen/been through the trials that I have. No one's story is exactly like another person's but there is beauty in that also. I don't know about ya'll but that makes me feel all warm inside when I read/hear something that makes me feel like I'm not alone in this thing we call life.
God wants us to love one another and one of those ways is helping one another even if we think its still painful in the process. In all the times I've gotten the opportunity to share about Lawson or our fertility struggles, I have felt some of that load lifted and hopefully someone else was helped also. I may never know the amount of people that my story has reached, and I don't have to. Because God does, and if it brought him glory, then my job was worth it. If you had told me three years ago that Lawson's death would be a story for me to tell about God's glory, I would have been so mad. God changed those feelings and if He can do it for stubborn old me then He can for you too. I know there are people everywhere who have walked through much worse things than the things I have to lay at His feet, but it doesn't make my story less significant.
I am weak and I have never been more proud to be weak because He is made strong!
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. God tells Paul that he will not remove the thorn in Paul's side because His power is made great in weakness. WHAT?! Yep, think about telling all these people about Christ when you've had no trials.
All of us can relate more to pain than we do to everything being in good working order all the time. God takes our pain and makes it GREAT! He brings glory to Himself, yes, but he also heals us along the way if we lay it all at his feet. We seem to want everyone to think we have it all together but sometimes (most of the time), you can really help others by putting your story out there because somehow/somewhere, even if you never know it, someone will hear it that needed it. I have never felt closer to people that have seen/been through the trials that I have. No one's story is exactly like another person's but there is beauty in that also. I don't know about ya'll but that makes me feel all warm inside when I read/hear something that makes me feel like I'm not alone in this thing we call life.
God wants us to love one another and one of those ways is helping one another even if we think its still painful in the process. In all the times I've gotten the opportunity to share about Lawson or our fertility struggles, I have felt some of that load lifted and hopefully someone else was helped also. I may never know the amount of people that my story has reached, and I don't have to. Because God does, and if it brought him glory, then my job was worth it. If you had told me three years ago that Lawson's death would be a story for me to tell about God's glory, I would have been so mad. God changed those feelings and if He can do it for stubborn old me then He can for you too. I know there are people everywhere who have walked through much worse things than the things I have to lay at His feet, but it doesn't make my story less significant.
I am weak and I have never been more proud to be weak because He is made strong!
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