SO SHE LAUGHED SILENTLY TO HERSELF..... Genesis 18:12
(If you have never read Sarah's story about being barren and God saying he would provide them a child, go and read Sarah and Abraham's story in Genesis.)
I always think that I am so bad for having any doubts or letting my doubts creep in and steal my joy. I wish that I were perfect or that I could say that I never doubt in the plan that's laid out in front of me. I let doubt and worry creep in, I try so hard not to but it happens.
So when I read verses like part of the one above...Sarah laughed, let me just say that again, she laughed.....she laughed at the fact that GOD told them that he would provide them a child, even in their old age. If Sarah can laugh at God telling them that specifically, then she must be human just like me and fall short just like me. Wow, someone God saw fit for her story to be shared in the Bible has similarities with me. She was in doubt of His plan. But he blessed her anyways. He did provide them a child, not because she deserved it but because that child would fulfill a part of God's plan. Its all really about the glory to the one true God. (Really God uses the imperfect every single day: thieves, tax collectors, adulterers, etc; cause we all fall short, but its nice to notice similarities there especially when you are in need of some extra reassurance)
I am not perfect and God knows that. He knows every single thing about our being and the emotions that we go through. He knows we may think His plan is ridiculous or crazy in our human eyes, but He sees it through His eyes, and I am thankful.
This morning I had all those worrisome thoughts creeping about all that could go wrong with the IVF. I'm telling ya'll my mind will probably think of the most bizarre things that can happen and make myself just believe it will happen to us. I know part of that is all that went on with Lawson and his pregnancy. I mean you pick some random infection, and bam I end up with it. Most everybody I know had never even heard of the infection that killed Lawson. So excuse me while I think to myself, "don't ever tell me something is rare and not gonna happen". And excuse my little word rambling there, ;) I know my weaknesses, ya'll and am not afraid to admit them, because we all have them and God will provide levelness to my craziness.
He has opened the doors thus far with everything looking great and lining up and I can only pray that it continues to be in His plan for things to go smoothly and maybe a precious child to come out of it all. I just have to remember as bad as I want to control things, I have to remind myself He is in control and I never will be. I can have doubts but he will provide what He sees fit. Prayers still needed in a big way!
Update on the process of IVF (not my emotions):
-Started taking shots in my belly on the 21st of June to slow my ovaries from ovulating on their own(Lupron). No crazy side effects from that medicine.
- Had injection training with the nurse to learn about all the medicines.
- Started my ovarian stimulation injectable medicines (Gonal-F, Menopur) on Monday July 4th...I was pretty emotional about starting these cause that means we are actually in the process now.
- I will now be going every few days for labs/ultrasounds to see how my ovaries are reacting to the medicines. Hoping and praying for good progress each time!
Let me start by saying what an inspiration you are to me, and I'm sure many, many more! I don't know exactly what you are going through emotionally, but I can totally relate. I struggle with a disease that many people will argue isn't a disease. We call that addiction. With that alone being said, after I completed Bradford, where I was treated for it and then set out into what they call the "real world" I struggled to maintain my sobriety. After I was sober 6 months, I was asked to come into Bradford and speak to all the ladies being treated there. I was terrified, all these thoughts were going through my head, telling me that I would say something that would make one of them go use again. I prayed the whole way there,and then more when I got there with the ladies that were going in there with me. The answer I continued to get was "just tell your story, your experience, strength, and hope" so I went in there in front of a group of about 40 ladies that looked like me 6 months earlier. I shared with them my story, and only mine because that's the only one that I have lived. When it was over I couldn't tell you two words that had come out of my mouth, but I had ladies coming up to me telling me that they could relate, and seeing me m on the other side of recovery showed them that they too could do it. That was my blessing! I know that our stories are totally different, but we both have one. I continue to pray for you and Billy every time I pray! When you said that God will provide levelness to my craziness, I know exactly what you mean! I love you and God is providing you this way for his work to be done!
ReplyDeleteThanks! We will take all the prayers we can get! I hope I can help anyone that needs it, not just people with infertility issues. I believe addiction is a disease and it should be treated as such. Prayers for you too because we all have different areas that we struggle in.
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