Bad Day?

I have these kind of days SO OFTEN!!!
Facets of Life...: Bad day?: Follow me on this one...  and please take no offense, this is just a reflective expression of my words ... just food for thought. There ar...

Project Heal: October: Capture Your Grief: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Project Heal

Ocotber 1: Sunrise

Captured the sunrise near where I saw and held my son for the first time. The only healing I get from that is that he may enjoy that sunrise as much as me. I believe he was smiling at me as I tried to get the sun streaming through the clouds. I will hold and see him again in Heaven and we will get to be with the Son! Thank God for the "sunrise" and the "Son rising". Each sun rise is appreciated while I remain here and because the Son rose I will get to see my baby again soon.

October 2: Identity

 Lawson Drake Prince

We chose Lawson because that is my maiden name and a good way to honor my family name. Drake was chosen because we wanted the same initials as his older brother. 

Lawson weighed 5lbs 7 oz and already had more hair than his older sibling did at birth. It was dark like his daddy's. His fingers and toes looked like his older brother's. He was perfect in every way. 

He is our son! He is a grandson, nephew, cousin, and loved beyond all measures. The one that mommy will never forget and is holding in my heart. He is part of my testimony and though I may not know why, he is in Heaven and he is part of the reason I look forward to Heaven one day so that I can see him again. 

October 3: Myths About Grief 

Myth 1: "Don't bring up the baby in front of them, it may hurt their feelings or make them cry." 

No, no, no! It might make me cry but in a good way! I love to talk about my son. You aren't reminding me that he died by bringing him up, believe me I feel that EVERY MOMENT! You are making me feel great because you are acknowledging he LIVED! 

Myth 2: "Time heals." 

Nope, not when you have lost a child. Sure you get better at controlling your emotions, but that's the extent. You know everyday that the hurt is there and some days, even if it's been ten years, your heart can break all over again for that loss. 

Myth 3: "Daddies have to be strong and don't need to cry." 

Again, NOPE! Many people told him that he didn't need to cry or be upset in front of me. I was relieved when I saw that my husband let his emotions show. It made me more connected to him. He was strong for me at times but you can only withstand so much! He had a son too and loved him as much as I did. 

Myth 4: "Everyone loses someone in life, so you should get over it."

No one has ever said this to me, but I have heard people say it about someone that has lost a father, mother, etc. Fact is everyone's loss is different and you shouldn't judge their grieving process. It's exactly that...THEIR way of grieving! 

October 4: Legacy 

Lawson's legacy would be that he showed me and my husband how deep love of your children can go. I knew we both loved our first son and him, but when we lost him we saw how deep that love ran. It affects very part of your being and every aspect of your life. Your heart walks around outside your body when you have children. I appreciate and love better because of him. 

October 5: Memory 

The most thought about memory I have of my son was the moment they placed him in my arms after his death. He was my baby still an go kept admiring him. I kept thinking please wake up. 

I think about that moment daily and miss his fingers, toes, little lips and every detail of him. I just wanna hold him again. I wish I had held him longer but I know that wouldn't have changed the fact that I left that hospital without him. 

October 6: Ritual 

I don't really have a ritual that I do, but one thing that I love and will always remind me of Lawson are owls. I can't tell you how many I have in my house now. I was decorating his room in owls and birds and bright colors. So now I think of him every time I see an owl. 

October 7: You Now 

My grief stage right now is uncertainty. I have whys and doubts almost every day, but the next day I will have more of a peace that God knows what He's doing and I don't. It's an everyday ups and downs struggle. 

I feel sadness everyday because he's not here. I feel overwhelmed that this is how my son was taken and that I don't get to see him grow. I feel an aching in those moments that I remember all the details of the last couple months of my pregnancy and how quickly they faded into tragedy. I feel like my heart literally breaks when I wake up and have dreamed of him and he's not here for me to hold. 

I would have to say I go through life paying attention to details I never took the time to notice before, learning more about me and the things I treasure. My heart is heavier because I will always be missing him, but it might be lighter in areas because he taught me to love better. 

October 9: Music 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WAo2zdRbXic

This is one of the first songs I listened to after Lawson died. Just the sound of it brings me back to those moments. I had to be held by His hand then and still do. 

October 10: Belief 

I believe that my son was welcomed into the arms of Jesus when he died. God knew Lawson's plan way before I did and I still don't know the purpose, but I am going to see my son again one day. That's the only thing that gets me past the heartbreak of missing him. 

October 11:Emotional Triggers

  

The hardest is when I'm around children that are about his age or pregnant women. I want to be in their position again when things were fine and I wasn't the grieving mom. I want my son to be alive and be growing like he's supposed to. 

The cold weather is extra dreadful this year because it reminds me of the winter, which is when he died. It rained for weeks and weeks after we buried him and I feel like it may be a long first winter without him. 

October 12: Article 

This article is one I read recently and it was exactly how I feel! It explains exactly how I feel towards other mothers. I also enjoy her other posts.  It is about how grieving mothers feel about mothers who have never lost a child. http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html?m=1

October 13: Book 

The book that I have read that helped me the most was "I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy"  by Angie Smith. Angie also lost a child and this is her story of the experience. She tells the raw truth of the moments of unexplainable anger and the moments you just have to drop to you knees and cry out to God. It was so real to read because I had felt those intricate moments as well. 

Here is the link to purchase it on amazon. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/080546428X

October 14: Family 

My family today, that's a hard one. We still look the same to people that don't really know us. It's still me, my husband and our 4 year old son. I am so thankful for them. They help me through the moments when I just want to go to heaven to see Lawson, but then I think of them and know that I wanna be there for them and experience more of life with them by my side. However, in my heart and mind, our family will always be missing one. One boy who is loved more than I can say. One boy who I will embrace again one day, but until then I will miss him every second of every day I'm alive. 

October 15: Wave of Light 

Lighting a candle from mommy, daddy, and your big brother. We miss you, Lawson Drake! 

October 16: Seasons

 I think it will be a hard first Christmas since he died. Last Christmas I was still pregnant with him, but I was feeling very sick. That was the time that I started telling my family that I just felt something wasn't right. I had started feeling really bad and nothing helped. I still remember the feelings and I keep thinking about sitting at my mom and dad's house opening gifts and be swollen all over. I remember celebrating my birthday since its on December 23 at a restaurant and thinking I couldn't wait for him to be with us and celebrate my birthday and Christmas the next year. Little did I know that he would die several days later and I will spend this Christmas being so different, but not the different I wanted. 

October 17: Time

Time, precious time. Or should I say awful bittersweet time. It hasn't yet been a year since he was nestled in my womb where I thought he was safe. It hasn't been a year since I saw him for the first time. It hasn't been a year since I held his tiny hand  as he fought for his life. It hasn't been a year since I got to hold him in my arms as he gave his last breaths. It hasn't been a year since his funeral and the most horrifying feeling of burying our child and having to leave his tiny body in the ground there. And yet It has been an eternity it seems since I was able to hold him. It will seem an eternity forever, I think. 

October 18: Release

I want to release the fear. The fear of the unknown, of going through another pregnancy. The fear of all the things associated with having a baby again. I want to release the regrets, the what ifs, the whys, all the questions. I just want to accept things as they are because I really can't turn back time and I can't make things "normal" again. I want to release all these things because I was chosen for this path one way or another and the fear doesn't change anything. 

October 19: Support 

My greatest support has been my husband. I did talk to him and still do to this day especially when the emotions hit me really hard! He is always there if he can do nothing but listen. 

October 20: Hope

I do have hope for the future. I have a hope that I can make Lawson proud to call me his mommy. I have hope that he will have more brothers/sisters. I have hope that he has helped people in just the short time he was here even I may never know it. I have hope that our family will always remember him and will be better at loving because of him. 

October 21: Honor

There are many ways that I have chosen to honor and keep him close in everyone's memory. The first thing that I really felt led to do was walk and raise donations for March for Babies. It was a great experience to share him with others involved. An overall way I vowed to honor him was to appreciate the little moments of his brother growing and to tell him he's loved more often. I want to take each moment with my children for all its worth! 

October 22: Words 

My favorite quote is one that we put on his headstone. It was one of the first quotes I read and it just fit. 

"The world may never notice

If a rosebud doesn't bloom

Or even pause to wonder

if the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be

Touches the World in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we longed for

Were swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do

Every beating of my heart says

"I Remember You"" 

October 23: Tattoos/Jewelry

 

I had a piece of jewelry given to me by my best friends. It is a beautiful bracelet with my children's names on it. My husband and I both have tattoos that represent our children. My husband's tattoo is a copy of Lawson's hands and feet with his name above it. Mine is on my left back/shoulder and is a scripture that I found fitting with my living child and our angel baby birth dates on it.

October 25: #SayItOutLoud

 

I want people to know that I will talk about my baby, I want to hear his name. Yes it makes me sad but also makes me feel joy. He was alive and by you not acknowledging that he lived is like a slap in my face. When people ignore the event of his birth and death, who do you think that's better for me or you? I'm gonna say you. It will save you from having to acknowledge the loss. I know, I've been you. I've been the one on the other side and now I've been on this side also. So say it, say his name and acknowledge him in any way. It might make me cry but it will also make me so proud! 

October 27: Signs 

I believe that I have moments that I believe God is reminding us that Lawson is wonderful and happy with Him. I have felt most days that the sun starts shining right on me when I get overwhelmed with missing him. I have sat on my back porch many times and its as if the moment that I'm feeling the lowest the sun comes streaming through the trees to shine on the porch where I'm sitting. I'm not the only one who feels that way because my husband was visiting Lawson's grave the other day and was upset and the sun all of a sudden came out and shined straight on him. He said he felt as if it was Lawson telling him that he was fine and to not be upset. I know that in those moments there is a reason that I felt the warmth of that sun, as if it was meant to help warm my soul also. 

October 28: Special Place

 

I can't think of a special place that I go to to think of him. I think there is no place that I don't take him with me. Going to his grave sometimes helps me, but I don't go up there much. I just have this awful feeling that I left his little body there and sometimes it overwhelms me. I know that he isn't there, because I believe he's in Heaven. My motherly instinct goes into overdrive though, it seems. When he first passed away, after we got home I would go to his room and cry and cry and look at his pictures and hold his blanket and clothes that he was last in. That room broke my heart, staring at the walls where I hadn't yet finished his room and thinking of what he would have looked like playing in his room. All in all, my special place is my heart where he will always be. 

October 29: Healing

This one is hard for me because I am still healing and feel like I will always be healing and healing again from the events of his death. If course I've cried out to God many times, but especially in my times when I didn't feel like I could let all my anguish out on others. Of course there is my husband who I have also let my true and raw emotions and because he can also share the hurt, he has helped me heal because we are healing together. 

I believe though the best therapy or help in healing has been to share Lawson with others. Saying his name and not being ashamed. Letting people know that I lost a son and that it happens to many people and if I can help one person through sharing our journey then that helps me heal a little at a time. 

October 30: Growth 

I know I've grown as a person. Maybe not on the exterior as much but my feelings and the ways I think of everyday situations have definitely changed. I've grown into a more forgiving person, not letting the little things hurt me as much. After all, I'm dealing with a lot more than most people try to throw at me. I tend to pay attention to the things going on around me more. I tend to have more sympathy and not judge someone's situation as quickly.  I say over and over you don't know what you would do until you are in that person's situation and I mean it. 

I don't quite understand yet why God chose me to walk this path but I sure do hope that something comes out of it. I hope it has a higher purpose. I hope I help one person with our story. I hope something will come out good from this experience because I want him to be honored and to have not died in vain. 

October 31: Sunset 

This is a subset picture my husband made a few months after Lawson died. He was away on storm and I loved the colors. The yellows kid of resemble a bird to me and I like to think he is as free as a bird in Heaven. That's also why I chose birds for my tattoo in rememberance of him. As the sun sets each day I know that I have made it through another day and I'm one day closer to seeing my precious baby again. 

Parts of my healing

There is some healing in knowing that I am not alone. I have been following two blogs lately. They are written as if they had my thoughts in their minds while writing. Its amazing how people can bond with someone they have never met. God gave me my story as well as theirs, although they seem the same, there are different situations.
If you want to check them out, I'm attaching the links. The first link I am sending you to is the first thing I read on her blog and I was immediately hooked. She put words in my mouth that day that I haven't known how to express and she does it beautifully.
http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html

The second link is a mother who inspired me to find ways to heal but still grieve. I am participating in her October 31 day photo challenge.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

Choose this path

The things I have learned about myself through the last couple of months has amazed me. You think who can know you better than yourself, but I am learning new things almost daily about myself. I've gained strength in knowing that I can make it through hard times, and humility in knowing that bad things can happen to me and I'm not exempt from these things.

I am reading a book called I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. I have only gotten through the first couple chapters and already I am learning. The thing that made me take a step back was reading how we think we know how God should fix things. In her words:
"I am pretty comfortable saying He is in complete control until the ground grows weak beneath me. At that point I tell Him what he should do to fix it."
I felt that God should and would intervene and heal my child, because that was what I thought he should do. God had a different plan, He knows more than I know. My cries were not for Him to decide what should become of my child, but I wanted him to heal him so that's what I cried out for. Its not wrong to ask God to intervene but I wasn't asking for His will to be done. I was asking Him to do what I thought He should do.

My child will not get his time on Earth because God chose that path for my life and my child's life.

'He answered, While the child was still alive I fasted and wept. I thought "Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live." But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.'  -2 Samuel 12:19-23

Lawson will not return to me and those are words that will tug at my heart for my remaining days until I get to see him again. But the hope that I hold to in that is that I will see him again, just not here.

I have had a very hard week this week and I know that these times will continue. I will have ups and downs. I will hopefully grow stronger but I am only human and will break down. I have had such a hard time and yesterday I just knew I had to go see his grave. I needed to go up there and talk to him. I know he isn't there but it feels better to have a place that you feel his presence and know that it's quiet. I have not been there many times, I will confess. It is hard for me because I just want to hold him again and the pain gets worse when I go to the last place I saw him. But I sat and cried for a while and talked to him and it made me feel a little better.
I know that Jesus weeps with me and stands beside me even at my weakest points because He doesn't like for us to be in pain. I think He weeps because we can't see what He can. We can't see the bigger plan. We can't understand why our son was taken.
This passage in the book gets to me also:
"He understands the ranting and the door slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my baby.
He knows.
And he has only one request.
Bring it right to Me.
Everytime the anger roars in your heart.
Bring it to Me.
Every time you feel like nobody hears you.
Bring it to Me.
When you think it isn't fair.When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.
Bring it to My feet and I will make an altar for your suffering."

It will 6 months on Sunday the 7th since we lost him. Just please pray for me and my family as we pass this milestone.


"When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not here to see,
If the sun should rise and find your
eyes, filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you.
And each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
When tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for everytime you think of me,
I'm right there in your heart."

Not the first to ask

My days come and go. I feel like some days I'm floating through life and don't have a purpose and then other days I am confident that I am living every moment to its fullest. It's been a roller coaster of emotions for me this year. I have hit the lowest lows ever and this past week has been extremely hard for me as I have encountered things that remind me that I will never get to see Lawson grow and learn and watch him progress through life. I don't want pity from anyone, just sharing my thoughts helps. I want people to know my story. If it helps you then great, if it doesn't thats ok too. I write these things for me and my sanity. Again I just want my story to be known because my baby was a human being and had a soul just like every other person and I want his memory and my feelings to be shared. I want people to know and learn about him because he is and will always be a part of me and my husband. 

Wife, mother, daughter and sister

"In the blink of an eye, everything can change. So forgive often and love with all your heart. You may never know when you may not have that chance again. "

Life changes....oh and how it does! It can take years, months, weeks, to even the tiniest second every thing you thought you knew about life can change. I have never realized that more than in the last few months. Before this year started, I was just something simple: a wife to my husband, a mother to my 3 year old child and one on the way, a normal daughter to my parents and an annoying sister to my sister (haha).
But on January 7th all that changed within a few hours, I was a mom praying for her child to be ok and at the time that's all that mattered.
A few hours later on January 8th, I was a grieving wife that didn't know if I wanted to live through this and having to lean on my husband, mother that had lost a child and wanting to cling to both my children, a scared daughter and sister who needed to be held together.
Man, even when you are going through it, the minutes that can change your life don't seem to be real. The feeling of standing there being helpless to help your own child is a feeling that no one can describe and I know that's the way God felt as Jesus hung on that cross. I would never wish that feeling on anyone.
If you think that your life can't change and it won't happen to you, you can take a step back just like I had to. I never ever thought I would be the mom sitting here at a computer sharing with people my experience with losing a child. If you had told me what my future held sometime last year, I would have thought you were crazy.
Yet, here I am. I am a wife who has to lean on her husband to get by some days, mother who grieves every day in some way for a child that I willl not know until I see him in Heaven, a mother that cherishes her time with her son that's living and gets upset at myself if I get upset with him, and a daughter and sister that tries to put on a smile.
It's hard every day and it's not a feeling that no one else has ever had, but let me tell you that every person deals with situations differently even if its the same situation. You don't know how you would handle the feelings that I've had unless you walked them with me in my body. My own husband has different feelings about some things and the experience was different for him in some ways because he's the father and men work different than women. Yes, he misses his child and it was his child the same as it was mine, but he has and will grieve different because that's how we are built. We went through the exact same thing but he has feelings to deal with that I may not understand, and vice versa.
The point is that when you stand there and criticize someone for the things they do or how they handle the things they are dealt. Just think. Have you ever stood in their steps, have you gone through what they have, have you been in their mind and thoughts?
I am the mother that has lost a child. Do I know other women that have lost a child, yes I do. But they will never know the exact way I thought and I will never know their thoughts. We may connect on some things, but ultimately we are different people and we will deal with things how we individually see fit. 
Life changes...in a second, minute, hour....however long, it can happen so appreciate each second that you have and appreciate your life. 

"You never know what God has in store, and you can make all the plans you want to. But at the end of the day, whatever's going to happen is going to happen."

I have made you and I will carry you.

Gonna write today because I have felt super stressed the last couple days. It's like I let it all build and it all comes crushing down. There are things going on in my life that I won't share on this blog, because that's just not my style, but it's not things that other people haven't gone through. I just got so overwhelmed with life in general on Monday. It seems like everywhere I turn something bad is happening to someone. It just hurts my heart.
I came in Monday to work and wanted to be there for a friend who had lost a great friend on Sunday, so I listened to her and just felt my heart get heavy. It just brought back a lot of memories.
Everywhere around me is death or hurting and I know that has always go on but I just don't understand it all sometimes. I know that I have a God who knows EVERY reason for EVERYthing, but sometimes that doesn't make it any easier. I have seen quite a few things happen to people around me lately: deaths, illness discoveries, etc. I think that the main reason I've become so affected by these is I know the hurt more real now than I ever thought possible. I see children with cancer, updates on babies that are sick, etc on Facebook and it all seems to hit right on my broken heart.
I thought that when I had my first broken heart was from my first love but that was FAR from true. My heart broke the day I lost my son. I think that God mends us but I also know that there is no way to replace that piece of my heart because I will always long for him until I'm with him. My heart lives outside my body with my two sons and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
If there was one verse that I have come to LOVE in the last couple weeks, it's this one:

I have made you and I will carry you.
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
                                     Isaiah 46:4

I got a tattoo the other day with this verse and my baby's birthdates. To me, this verse has two meanings: like God I have made and carried my sons, I sustain them by providing what they may need or want and I will hopefully provide some rescue whether it be just by turning the channel cause a scary part of a movie comes on tv (did that this morning for Landon...haha!). The second reason is that God provides all those things to me on a daily basis especially lately.
Do I fail God on a daily basis, I do, but it isn't something that I am proud of. I try to do good because I want to please him. He is my Father and I want to make him proud.
I know that Landon will probably do things that don't please me or my husband but I want to raise him in the way that he should go. He will always be my son, and so will Lawson even though I don't have to teach him because God is teaching him and he has no sin!
Moral of today's rambling ;) is that God will carry us on days like I've had this week and he will rescue me from this and let me have good days.