Moments

This weekend was full of reminders of Lawson. I got home Friday and watched the episode of Grey's Anatomy that I had missed the night before. Well halfway through I got the most vivid memories of being in those moments of them making the decision to take him and being rushed to delivery and the anxiety and how upset I was.
The episode had a woman that was experiencing the birth of baby that had hypoplastic left heart snydrome. He was fine while in the womb, but when they delievered him he would need immediate surgery and chances of him living while making it to and through surgery are slim. As they were about to perform the c-section, she said no don't take him out, he's still living and I don't want him to die. That line that rocked me to my core and instantly made me cry. That was exactly what I was feeling and I wanted the best for him and they kept saying that the best was to get him out and work on him.You could say I was hysterical. Something was wrong with my baby, my husband wasn't there because it was supposed to be an easy checkup with the monitors, and I was going into a surgery that I'd never experienced before. But the only thing that I could think was that he wasn't healthy and I was freaking out. Luckily my sister was there with me. The only thing that I regret is that she had to be there to experience this sad event and had to inform the family what was going on after he was delievered. I thought that this kind of thing would never happen to me or any of us. I have never been more scared in my life.
Billy and I had a moment of crying and just holding each other also on Friday. It becomes so humbling in those times because it is knowing that I have someone there beside me that feels my pain. Because if there is ever a time when you feel alone its when you are trying your best to believe that something this awful could lead to good.
Last night Landon and I were playing on the bed and he pointed to my belly and said there's baby sister. He still calls it baby sister and I tried to explain once again that it was a brother and he had to go live in heaven with Jesus. I just don't know how to explain to a four year old and try to help him understand because I don't have his mind. It is a difficult concept for him I'm sure because he never got to see Lawson living. I wish that my son didn't have to try to understand such a hard subject and one of the most awful things that can happen to someone. I will share Lawson with him as he gets older so that maybe he will understand. As I will share Lawson with all my children that I may be blessed to have so that they may know that each and every breath and moment of life is special.

"I thought of you today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and
your picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake
from which I'll never part.
God has you in His arms,
I have you in my heart."