Why?

Of course there will always be questions in my mind as well as my husbands. The whys and what ifs are abundant when something such as this happens. I have to remind myself over and over that God knows what He is doing and knows His plan for our lives and we may never fully understand. But that doesn't stop my brain from going over each detail of the things that came to pass. We really struggled with all the questions the first few weeks and my husband and I would cry for hours trying to understand. We still struggle everyday with the questions that our human minds can't seem to grasp.

I'll share some of the details that still disturb my mind, but am trying to hand over to God.  Right around the time Landon was 2 was when we decided we would like to have another child. Billy and I had tried over a year to get pregnant again and it just wasn't happening. So we had to go another route and try a medicine that I would take on certain days to help boost my ovaries. Well it worked like a charm and we were pregnant within the first month of me being on the medicine. We were thrilled to say the least!
So as the days and weeks passed we kept talking about our baby and planning to be a family of four. I went all the way to 33 weeks with a clear prognosis for the baby. Yes I was having problems with my liver and feeling sick all the time but the baby wasn't supposed to be affected. I made myself power through with the least amount of complaining possible. ;) But I kept telling Billy, my mom and several other family members that everything had been completely different this pregnancy and my body could just tell something didn't feel right. Billy especially can attest to the fact that I kept saying over and over that it just seemed something was out of place. Little did I know that my feeling would be right.
The biggest why I struggle with is I wonder why God let us have such a hard time getting pregnant again amd let me go as far into my pregnancy as I did only to take my baby too soon. I just can't wrap my head around it. The only possible scenarios that I can come up with is that the baby would have had a lot of medical problems and God saw fit to rescue him from those by taking him to heaven. Maybe me and Billy needed to be shown a way to appreciate life.
Another thing that people try to comfort us with is that God never puts more on you than you can handle and we must be strong for Him to have known we could get through this. Yes, I believe that I am stronger some days and will never take for granted the joys of my child and pregnancy and every single detail of my children's lives. I will never feel the same about holding my baby for the first time. It is hard to explain the feeling I get when I think about holding our next baby if God sees fit to bless us with another one. It is a wonderful feeling to hold your child for the first time but with losing a baby after only holding him once, you look at that moment with so much more clarity and thankfulness.
Another why I seem to wonder a lot is why me and Billy? Why pick us over the millions of other people in the world? I know we are strong people but there are tons of strong people. I look around at life and see news of parents killing their children and abusing them and young women having children that they don't have a clue what they will do with a child. Also children having to grow up in the most awful family settings and wonder why God doesn't help those children by taking them to heaven. I would have loved my baby and done anything in my power to keep him safe, as would Billy. I am not the one that needs to judge these people however and I would never wish the hurt that I have expereinced on anyone, and in no way would I want someone to think that about me. I am just expressing the thoughts that I have sometimes. I know that I am not God and have no idea of His plan for anyone or any child. So I try my hardest not to ask the why questions. But I'm only human and they do play in to my mind when I'm not guarding it.
The one verse that I have to rememeber is Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I pray everyday that I am going to have a future with my children and He sees fit to bless me and Billy with more children. They will never replace Lawson's spot in our heart, but I will care for them and love them harder because I saw firsthand how fast God can choose to take them. I know that Lawson has a future and his future looks magnificient because he is already in heaven and never has to endure the pain and heartache of life on earth.