The confusion in between...

The days after leaving the hospital seem to run together. We are all trying to adjust and learn how to cope with the things going on around us. All the while it seemed as if nothing was going to get better for a while. As if the things going on with the funeral and things you have to do as you prepare to bury your child weren't enough, I was becoming a burden myself.
It started in recovery when they had found a heart condition called Wolf Parkinson's White. That was another thing I was having to add to the list of stuff I needed to check up on. I had the liver problems in pregnancy, heart problems they discovered soon after pregnancy, and would soon have a blood clot in my c-section incision.
Since I didn't get much rest after returning home from the hospital with planning a funeral and finding a burial site for our precious baby, things weren't healing exactly right. It started while I was at the funeral home my incision started bleeding again and I was told it shouldn't do that so the day after we bury our baby, they tell me to return back to the ER and have it looked at. So I had to burden my husband with returning to the last place either of us wanted to be at the time. They found a blood clot in the incision and were able to take it right out, so it ended up being no big deal but you definitely don't want to deal with something else even as minor as it turned out to be.
I had to wear a heart monitor for a month and return to the doctor for that. He informed my condition was not life threatening and the only reason he would recommend getting an ablation was because I am in my child bearing years and he didn't wanna put me on any medications in my pregnancies that would cause low birth weight. So we are still making up our minds about whether I should do an ablation.
All the while I am also returning for regular visits to my OBGYN and it seems like I can't get any answers about what happened to make my baby so sick and the fact that we had no idea until right before he was born that he was sick.
The confusion of our baby dying so sudden and there are so many questions cause you just can't seem to wrap your head around. We knew that I had been tested for infectious type diseases soon after delivery so my OBGYN thought that the cause of death was CMV (cytomegalovirus). I, like most people, had no idea what this was. We were still waiting on the autopsy results though so she wouldn't really tell us a whole lot until that was proved as his cause of death.
The days all started to run together even more as I cried and searched for answers and it seemed as if no one could tell us what we wanted to know so desperately.....What happened to make our sweet baby so sick??!!