Honoring Lawson: The beginning and end of his short life

Its been a while since I've done any blogging and I'm sort of timid about starting this up again. I have had a trying last few months. To say the least, the year 2013 did NOT start out the best at all!!

I started the new year well into my pregnancy at 33 weeks and since this pregnancy hadn't been the easiest I was anticiapting his arrival even more so. I had a sicker pregnancy with this child. I had been diagnosed with cholestasis where my liver enzymes were moderately elevated and my belly was starting to measure weeks ahead. It had been a very different experience than my firsy pregnancy with Landon. However, I was not anticipating the news I would soon get.
I went into work on Monday January 7, 2013 and hadn't felt good over the holiday break, but that day in particular my intuition was telling me that something just didn't seem right. I was feeling a little light headed and couldn't seem to get it together, so just as a precaution I went over to the nurse's station at work and got them to take my blood pressure. It was 160/94. That is very high for me. I called the doctor and she was on rounds at the hospital and wanted me just to come in to the hospital and have a stress test to check the baby.
Off to the hospital I went, I called my sister and mom and they came over to sit with me. I insisted Billy stay at work as it was gonna be a standard stress test just to check the baby. I had the same experience with Landon and everything was fine. It all escalated quickly after I was taken back to a room and put on the monitors and had an ultrasound done. The ultrasound showed fluid that had accumulated in the baby's abdomen, brain, etc. After the results were shared with my doctor, she decided an emergency c-section was in order. It all happened so fast that I only remember bits and pieces.
Next thing I know I'm surronded by nurses and am in the OR with my baby being delivered and he isn't crying as I hear them say he's being born. Call it mother's intuition but I knew something was very wrong. They rushed him away and I just wanted to be with him.
I was in recovery for a while and they finally let me go straight up to see him in the NICU. He was very sick and hooked up to a ventilator and couldn't clot blood and multiple other things. I had no idea what to think or do. I held his little hand and my husband took a picture and that is a picture I will treasure forever and never be able to replace.
I still had the hope as they wheeled me and my husband to our regular room. You never think something can go so wrong until you are in it. a couple hours later, they called on us to return to the NICU and they explained he wasn't going to live much longer. His heart just couldn't take it all. Me and my husband got to hold our tiny baby one time each and it was the greatest moment. He passed away at around 1:00 the next morning. He lived about 6 hours, but all the while he was a fighter. My only prayer is that he wasn't in pain the whole time, because I wouldn't take anything for the moments I got to hold him.
The whole month of January seemed to go by in a fog. Planning your child's funeral and finding a place for him to be buried was something that I never dreamed I would be doing! Luckily me and my husband have a great support system with our family and friends, and I don't know how we would have coped through that time without them.
My greatest fear had come true and I'd lost a child and I think that for a few weeks it didn't seem true. Some days it still doesn't.